Silent Struggles.


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I'll tell you "what's wrong"

  "What's wrong?" The question I get asked daily. The question that kills me inside. I feel like it's just me though, that's the problem. I feel like I'm all alone, I feel like no one else knows how it feels to be so hurt. I'm always so upset. Then "what's wrong?" Makes it even worse. What's wrong your asking? well fine, I'll tell you what's wrong, what's wrong ?everything that's not .right. What's wrong ? I need someone to poor my heart out to but I don't even know who my real friends are anymore. I say I don't know who my real friends are but even if I did, it's not like I would actually be able to poor my heart out to them. Why, you ask ? Because I don't know what to say. Why is it that the only person you want to talk to is the only one who is hard to talk to. Not hard as in you can't do it. But hard as in it just doesn't work. You take a deep breath, trying to explain all your messed up problems but as your breath out. It doesn't work. You can't speak. You get tongue tied and just have a mental break down. What's wrong ? What's wrong is that I just need someone for my own, im so tired of sharing. I just need my own special person that makes me feel wanted. I need a special person to understand what no one else can. But.. at the same time, I don't expect anyone to understand when I don't even understand myself.

I've had enough. I've had all I can take now. I'm sick and tired of this. "What's wrong?" Ughh I just hate it ! Especially when my, what I call 'friends' ask. I mean. If they are friends then shouldn't they already know. If they are my friends would I even be as upset as I am these days. If they were my friends wouldn't I be crying on their shoulder instead of in class with my head on the table then running out to the toilets to cry even more. Its embarressing how much I cry. I get the biggest headaches which just make me anxious. And I just get to the point where sometimes I don't even wanna be alive. Then one day when I was walking home this girl came up to me. My 'friend'. She says "Sarah, im not gonna ask what's wrong because I don't expect you to tell me. But I see you cry all the time and it honestly breaks my heart. I don't like seeing you like this so please talk to someone about it. I'm here for you but that's your choice if you wanna tell me things or not. Sarah, everything is going to be alright. Stay strong and you can get through anything. I'll see you tomorrow. " and hugged me good bye. wow.... my mind exploded. That's all I needed to hear. Its amazing. It takes one person, to say one simple thing to make something great happen. For the rest of the night, I kept a big smile on my face and stayed full of positive thoughts. I finally thought that things were gonna be great again. I can't believe I thought everything was gonna be great again. What was wrong with me, to think that from what she said was gonna keep me smiling for the rest of my life. I'm stupid. I really am just stupid.

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"I'm" sorry ?

Sometimes, I just want to fall into a deep deep sleep and never wake up.

Sometimes, I consider ending my life.

Sometimes, all I wanna do is cry because sometimes I just wanna die. Sometimes I just want everything to end. Because all I do is cry behind my smile. Behind my filthy fake laughs. I'm never happy anymore and it kills me that people think That I am. Sometimes I just hate life. I run out of situations crying and saying "I'm sorry." I'm sorry, I really am. I just can't deal with anything anymore. I don't know how to. But why should I be sorry. "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything. And not every " im sorry" deserves an "it's okay" back.

I hate how I'm always giving my 'friends' advice of gold, and I don't listen to it myself. I say stuff like," I'm always here to help you but you can't just expect things to get better on its own, you have to help yourself too okay." Like woah WAKE UP SARAH WHY ARE YOU TELLING OTHER PEOPLE THIS WHNE YOU SHOULD BE TELLING YOURSELF THIS!?!! 

My bestfriend once told me a story and at the end said "the key is to just be as crazy as possible, as creative as possible, as mad as possible, as loud as possible and just live life to the fullest and have a bomb ass life." That really slapped me in the face. ever since that day I would try be really happy and try to just be who I am. But it was all so fake. I wasn't happy, I was faking it all. Why was it so hard though. Last year I was so pumped for 2017 and I would always say "2017 is actually gonna be the best year ever" and I was no joke so excited. But unfortunately, it hasn't been what I expected or wanted it to be like. It's been the complete opposite. First term was alright, term 2 was triggering and I hated term 3 so I stoped going to school. I was scared of walking through the school doors in the morning. I was scared of looking at the faces of the ones who had hurt me. I was just scared of everything. Nearly 3 months had past without going to school, mum finally took a stand and told me that I can't stay home forever. So she moved me. I moved schools. I was so happy for the rest of the term and I thought nothing would ever go wrong again. How stupid of me to think that. I'm just stupid

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Being used.

 It's annoying, how you can be so happy and then all of the sudden one person has to ruin things for you. Just the other day I thought to myself, "wow. I'm finally happy, I'm always laughing and I actually feel like I have proper friends now. I feel like I'm loved." And then things go back to normal. Shitty days every day. Always crying and something always wrong. I'm never happy anymore, I never was and I feel like I never will be. I was nearly depressed before I moved schools, until I ran away from things. Then I was finally the happiest girl alive. But what I ran away from, I ran straight back into.. my mum did tell me though, she said "if you have problems then fix them or leave them positively because what you run away from, you run back into until you suck it up and deal with it." I said " but I'm not running away from anything, I just want change. I want a fresh start." I was wrong, she was right. I did get a fresh start though. A bloody fresh start to a new hell ! With a dfferent problem topic every week. This week is about being used. I feel like people pretend to like me so they can get something out of me and use it against me, I don't know what though. They use me and make me feel like the happiest girl alive and then suddenly turn on me for being who I am. 

I don't know who my real friends are anymore. They act like my friends but then I'm pretty sure they go talk a bunch if shit behind my back. I jut want someone who I can trust with no hesitation or fear that they are gonna dog me out. I want to be appreciated for who I am, not who or what others want me to be. I want someone I can be myself around without thinking I'm being judged. I don't like being someone I'm not. I want to be me. I need someone who i know I can go to when I'm sad and know they will make me better within a click of a finger.

But no one is there for me like that, I don't have someone for my own.

I can imagine having my soul mate though. I need that person now. But where are they ? I'm looking hard and I'm thinking hard. What more can I do but try harder ?!

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Taking a stand.

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