Happiness can be found on the corner of Destiny Way and Inspiration Drive. At least that’s what my aunt and uncle believe. They say that everything will be solved there. They say that things will change there. And I say that they are full of it. Not to their faces of course. Oh, no, to their faces I say that I know things will change, that I will be happy, that I will try.

“You’re going to make friends here,” my aunt says.

“You’re going to meet people dealing with the same problems,” my uncle says.

And I nod and say, “Of course I will.”

And now I’m sitting in the backseat of my uncle’s car. My aunt sits next to me and keeps patting my shoulder. My uncle keeps glancing back at me as if I would disappear if he didn’t check up on me every five seconds. I just want to yell at them. I want to shout that I am okay. I’m not dying. I’m not going to explode. Except that would prove their exploding theory.

Finally we reach the corner of Destiny Way and Inspiration Drive. A plain grey building greets me. I sigh. I don’t want to go into that building, but my choices are limited. I could sit here and continue listening to my aunt and uncle tell me it will be okay or I could get up and go to the meeting. I unbuckle myself.

“Do you want us to go in with you?” My aunt asks.

I shake my head and say forcefully, “No, I’ll be okay.”

My uncle turns to face me, “Are you sure? You don’t need to do this alone.”

I nod, “I’m sure.”

I open the car door and start towards the building. I only look back when I reach the door. My aunt and uncle are both looking at me with hope in their eyes. I take a deep breath. I might not be able to enter this building for myself, but I can do it for them. I open the door and step in.

    It looks like I stepped into a school commons. Signs claiming to support all types of groups are plastered on the walls. In the middle of all of it is a couch and on the couch is a woman with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. She has long blond hair and the bluest eyes I have ever seen. The woman’s eyes land on mine. She starts to wave at me like a mad woman. I want to run away. Instead I walk up to her.

    “Hi,” the woman’s smile gets even bigger, “ You look a bit lost. Where do you need to be?”

    I stare at her for a second. That smile has to be hurting her face. “Um, yeah. I’m  here for Mr. Thatcher’s Support Group.”

The woman exclaims, “You must be Selene! I’m Mrs. Thatcher. Mr. Thatcher told me that they were getting a new member this week! The elevator is just over here.”

    Mrs. Thatcher jumps up and takes my hand. She pulls me to an elevator just behind the couches. “The meeting is on the top floor. I could take you if you want.”

    I quickly say, “No thank you. I’ll be fine.”

    Her smile flickers, “Are you sure? I know it can be unnerving to go to one of these things.”

    I attempt a smile, “I’m positive.”

    Mrs. Thatcher nods as I turn to face the elevator. I take a deep breath and then another. My aunt and uncle invade my mind. I can do this for them, I tell myself. I can. I press the button.

The elevator doors slide open and I step through. Just as the doors are about to close two forms soar into the elevator. I squish myself against the wall. The forms were a boy and a girl. Both of them had brown hair and yellow eyes.

          “Barely made it!” a girl shouts gleefully”

    A boy laughs, “I knew we could make it.”

    “No you didn’t!” The girl pokes him. “You said that we should wait for the next one.”

    The boy looks at me, “Don’t believe a word Nora says. She was the doubtful one.”

    Nora pokes him again, “What my brother is trying to say was that he is a huge wimp, and that I am the totally awesome one who wanted to race to the elevator.”

    The boy mouths ‘she’s lying’ as Nora gives her mini speech. I feel the urge to leave this place starting to form. First a woman who couldn’t stop smiling and now an insane brother and sister. I want to go home. I want to go to my bed and lay down. I just want to be left in peace.

    The boy seems to be oblivious to my internal plea “I’m Ian and this is my twin sister, Nora.”

    They both stuck out their hand for me to shake. I ignore them both and curtly reply, “Selene.”

    “Are you new to the group?” Nora asks me.

    I frown, these people cannot be in the group I’m going to. “I’m going to Mr. Thatcher’s group.”

    Nora screams, “Us, too!!!! Isn’t that awesome Ian!!!”

    Ian rubs his ears, “Yeah sis, awesome. Now try to keep down the volume.”

    Nora sticks her tongue out at Ian and another argument starts between them. I press myself even closer to the wall. I can deal with these people. I tell myself. I’m all good. It’s just once a week. Only once a week.

    Finally we reach the top level. Nora grabs my arm as the elevator doors open and whispers, “You are going to love Mr. Thatcher’s group. We always have a lot of fun!”

    The doors completely open. The twins and I step out into a spacious loft. If the lobby was a school commons then this room would be the art room. Paints covered the room top to bottom except for the huge window on the other side of the room. Bean bag chairs of every shape and color occupied the floor. The room would have been perfect except for the three people on the bean bag chairs and the two besides me.

The people all stare at me so I stare back. One by one their gazes falter and they look away. I can’t help but wonder what they saw in my eyes. I wonder if they reveal what I can’t.

Nora senses the tension and walks in front of me, “Hi everyone! This is Selene.”

They all half heartedly mutter hi to me. I sigh and take a seat in one of the bean bags next to a window. I look down at the parking lot below me. My aunt and uncle’s car is still there, waiting for me.

The elevator doors open behind me. I see a reflection of a man with black hair and green eyes through the window. He looks around the room and smiles when his eyes settle on me. I turn to face him.

“Selene! Hi I’m Mr. Thatcher. I’m so glad you could make it today,” Mr. Thatcher says. His smile rivals his wife’s.

“Um, Hi,” I mutter.

He walks up to me and offers me his hand. I looked at it for a minute before he retracts it. “Your aunt and uncle said that they thought this would be the perfect group for you. Have you met the other members?”

I shrug, “I’ve met Ian and Nora.”

He smiles encouragingly, “That’s good. Everyone this is Selene. Selene this is everyone.”

Mr. Thatcher introduces me to everyone in the room. A sickly looking strawberry blond named Emma sits closest to the door, a gangly boy with huge glasses named Perry glares at me and a bodybuilder of a boy named Will grunts a greeting. No one but Mr. Thatcher and the twins seem to be happy to be there.  At least I wasn’t the only resistant one.

“We start our meetings with telling the group how we feel today,” Mr. Thatcher tells me.

Mr. Thatcher tell us to get into a circle and start to tell everyone how we are feeling. The twins feel happy today because they got to see their friends in the group. Everyone gives them an annoyed look. From what I’ve seen they don’t belong in this group. Bodybuilder says that he felt strong. The blond mumbles something about peace. Glasses says that he feels like running away. Now it’s my turn.

“I feel…” I start, but can’t go on. I look around my head for an emotion that I can tell them. “Pass.”

Mr. Thatcher frowns, “Selene it is a requirement to say how you…”

“Pass,” I interrupt him.

“Selene, I think it would be...”  As Mr. Thatcher talked the elevator doors open and a boy steps into the room. Everyone turns to face him.

“Hey Thatcher! How’s it going?” He grins at Mr. Thatcher, then he saw me, “We got a new one. What are you? Another anorexic? A cutter? No… that’s not right. I got it you’re like the twins. But you don’t look fake happy.”

“James!” Mr. Thatcher warns him. “Sit down.”

James laughs, “Oh come on Thatcher. I was just wondering.”

James moves to the back of the room and takes the bean bag next to mine. He winks. I gape at him. I’m starting to believe that I am the only sane person in the entire building.

I shake my head and stand up, “You’re right Mr. Thatcher. I should share my feelings and I feel as if this group isn’t right for me. So, thank you for your time and goodbye.”

I feel seven pairs of eyes follow me as I leave the room. My aunt and uncle are wrong. Those people aren’t going through the same things I’m going through. My problems aren’t going to be fixed there.

Thankfully Mrs. Thatcher isn’t in the commons as I get out of the elevator. I don’t know if I can have deal with her overwhelming smiles. I glance at my phone. There is still a lot of time left before Mr. Thatcher’s group ends. Again I face two equally uninviting choices. I can go out to my aunt and uncle’s car and face their disappointment or wait in one of the couches for the group to be over. The couches are very comfy.

I walk into the grey building for the second time. This time I manage to resist the urge to look back.  I don’t want to see the hope on their faces. Not when I know that their hope is misplaced. Mrs. Thatcher looks up as the door opens her mouth drops a little when she sees who entered.

“Selene!” She exclaims, “We didn’t expected you to come back.”

I mumble, “Me either.”

Mrs. Thatcher walks up to me and hugs me. I feel myself stiffen. No one has hugged me in months. I didn’t want to be  hugged in months. I force myself out of her arms.

“Sorry,” Mrs. Thatcher says as I remove myself from her grip. “I was just so worried about you. Now I am going to take you up to the group today and I am not taking no for an answer.”

I let Mrs. Thatcher lead me to the elevator. My head is off in another time. A time where people hug me all the time. A time when I was happy.

“What made you come back?” Mrs. Thatcher asks as the elevator doors close.

I shrug, “I don’t know.” But that is a lie. I waited for days for Mr. Thatcher to call my aunt and uncle to tell them about how I stormed out of the group, but the call never came. And now it was time for the group again. I can’t tell my aunt and uncle that I couldn’t go back. So here I am, back in the insane group for depressed people who don’t seem depressed. I only have to go once a week.

“Well I’m glad you did,” Mrs. Thatcher says to me. I nod and we are silent the rest of the way up.

“Good luck,” I hear her whisper as the elevator opens.

Seven people look at me as I walk into the room. It seems that everyone, like Mrs. Thatcher, thought I wouldn’t be back. I wish that they were right. No one was in the bean bag I had sat in last week. At least I get to keep my spot.

Mr. Thatcher clears his throat, “Um. Hi Selene?”

“Hi,” I reply, Today I am the one to avoid everyone’s eyes.

“Selene,” Nora squeals, “I missed you so much!!!!”

Nora and Ian get up and take the bean bags next to me. So much for avoiding these people. Nora beams at me and Ian squeezes my arm. I wonder again why they are in this group.

“Yes,” Mr. Thatcher says, “We missed you. We just about to start sharing how we feel today. Who wants to start?”

James raises his hand, “I would like to go first. Today I feel… regretful. I almost drove away someone who didn’t deserve to be driven away.”

“Good,” Mr. Thatcher smiles, “Who’s next?”

One by one the entire group shares their feelings. I am desperately saerching through my mind to find an emotion to share.

Mr. Thatcher looks at me, “How do you feel today, Selene?”

“Um, I feel…” I mutter, “I feel empty.”

Mr. Thatcher gives me a small smile, “Thank you Selene for sharing that with us today.”

James fake coughs, “Stupid.”

Mr. Thatcher glares at James, “So much for feeling regretful, I see.”

“Well I don’t think empty is a feeling,” James responds.

Emma says, “I think empty is a feeling.”

“Yes, well, we weren’t talking about your stomach now were we,” James retorts.

“Shut up,” I say as Emma gasps. “Empty is the feeling you are left with if you shut out all the rest of your feelings.”

James gives me an evil grin, “So what emotions are you shutting out?”

    I look at him and then turn to Mr. Thatcher, “What are we doing next?”

    Mr. Thatcher looks relieved that he has an opening to jump back into the conversation, “Next we normally give everyone the opportunity to tell the group about the positive things in their lives.”

    “I would like to go,” Emma says as she shoots a glare at James. “I have managed to eat three meals a day for an entire week.”

    A smile engulfs Mr. Thatcher’s face, “That’s amazing Emma! I’m so proud of you.”

    Ian raises his hand and jumps up and down in his bean bag, “Nora’s and mine positive thing of the week is that Selene is back!”

    Nora starts bouncing too, “Yes! Our new friend has returned!”

    Nora moves to hug me, but I quickly move away. A frown flickers across her face before her normal smile returned. I wonder if Nora and Ian were actually depressed enough that I was the highlight of their week. I quickly discard this thought. Nora and Ian are too upbeat to be really depressed.

    Bodybuilder Will grunts, “ I’ve gained two pounds of muscle this month.”

    Mr. Thatcher sighs, “Will I don’t think that gaining two pounds of muscle is going to help you.”

    Will glares at Mr. Thatcher, “It will help me.”

    “Okay,” Mr. Thatcher says doubtfully. “Anyone else want to share something?”

    James, Perry, and I all look away from Mr. Thatcher. None of us want to share anything with the group.

    “Come on, guys,” Mr. Thatcher says, “There has to be something you can share.”

    Mr. Thatcher looks defeated. I can’t understand why he seems to care so much. We are all just a bunch of kids with problems that can’t be solved. He shouldn’t beat himself up if we fail, but I guess he sees our failure as his failure.

    My hand goes up in the air, “I, uh. A good thing in my life is that there are many people who supports me.”

    Mr. Thatcher beams, “Thank you Selene. James? Perry?”

    James looks at his feet, “Mine is the same as Selene’s. People do support me.”

    Everyone turns to look at Perry. Perry sinks down into his bean bag.

    “Stop staring at me!” He yells. “I have nothing to share.”

    “Okay,” Mr. Thatcher raises his arms. “It’s okay Perry. Let’s try something else out. Anyone have any ideas?”

    Of course Nora starts talking, “I think that next week we should go out in public for our meeting. Like to the mall or something. It will be fun!”

    Mr. Thatcher nods his head, “That sounds like a good idea. Does anyone have any objections?”

    No one says anything. We are all staring at different places in the room. None of us except Nora and Ian want to go to the mall. None of us want to go out into public. See we all know the truth:  Life is just a mountain of crap that we have to climb. Most people don’t see it. Only the people who fall down do.

    “Okay it’s settled then,” Mr. Thatcher says. “We still have about half an hour left, but I’ll let you guys go early. Bye!”

    We all mutter bye and shuffle to the elevator. Let’s go climb that mountain of crap.

    This week I walk to the group. I want to ability to escape if I need it. I really really don’t want to go.

    I am the first to arrive at the spot we chose to meet at. I sit down and take in the scene around me. One person is throwing coins into a fountain. One person sits alone at a table with food for an entire family around him, but he had no one to share it with. One person is walking around with their head down, planning something bad. This mall is filled with people who are all alone. I fear that I am one of them.

    “Enjoy people watching?” Someone says behind me.

    I look over my shoulder. There stands James with his ever faithful companion. His smirk. Another lonely person in the mall.

    “Staring isn’t polite. People might think you’re a freak.” I was wrong. Another jerk in the mall.

    “Talking is becoming of you,” I retort.

    He slides into the bench next to me, “And why is that?”

    I shrug, “Ever word you say insults someone around you.”

    “And every word you say is inexplicably planned,” He whispers in my ear.

    “At least I don’t say the first thing that comes to mind.”

    “Your planning makes you a liar.”

    “And how is that?”

    “You will never say what you really are thinking.”

    “And that’s how I want it.”

    James leans back and drifts off into his own world. I try to go back to people watching, but James words echo in my head. I don’t want to be a liar. I just want… I just want things that I can never have again. I lost it once. I don’t want to gain it back just to lose it again.

The twins walk in through the doors I’m watching. They both have frowns on their faces. This is the first time I’ve seen them without a bubble of happiness surrounding them. I poke James.

“What?” He mumbles.

“Are the twins for real?” I ask.

“What?” He says again.

I sigh, “Are the twins really depressed?”

He answers immediately, “Yes.”

I frown, “What’s wrong with them? Why are they depressed?”

He sits up looks at me in the eyes. “Why are you depressed?”

I stand up, “You don’t ask people that.”

He shrugs, “You asked me about the twins.”

“Yeah,” I defend myself. “I wasn’t asking them.”

He smirks at me, “You’re going behind their backs. That is just as bad. It also means that I can’t trust you to go ask what’s wrong with me behind my back.”

My face heats up, “I don’t care if you trust me. I don’t care what people think of me.”

He shakes his head, “I think you care too much. That’s one of your problems.”

“If I care too much then you do too.” I say. “You say what you say to make people hate you, and you succeed.”

I turn away from him and almost run to the twins. I don’t want him to say anything else. That boy sees too much. He’s tearing all my layers away. He’s going to find my secrets.

The rest of the group arrives soon after the twins. Emma is in her element. She quickly takes control of the group. The boys are sent off to the food court area, and Nora and Emma drag me shopping.

Nora and Emma are chatting about some celebrity that they think is oh so hot. I am sitting in a changing room pretending to try on all the clothes that the two of them have handed me. See, according to them, my fashion style is really boring. They think I should wear more colors, and more colors to them means that I need to dress like a rainbow.

“Selene, “ Emma calls, “Show us something.”

“Um…” I say, “Okay.”

I quickly shove on the first thing my hands touch. It is a green spaghetti strap dress. I instantly hate it. I walk out of the changing room.

Nora smiles, “That looks great.”

Emma nods, “We should add that to the yes pile.”

I sigh, “I really don’t want any new clothing. I like the clothes I have now.”

“Okay,” Nora says reluctantly, “But you have to get that dress at least.”

“So if I get this dress we can leave,” I ask.

They nod. I shrug and grab the dress and walk up to the checkout center.

“Did you find everything alright?” the checkout girl said in a monotone voice.

“Yep,” I say.

“Good,” she responds. “This will be $26.78.”

I hand her the money and leave the store. Nora and Emma come up to me and link their elbows through mine. I have a bad feeling about this.

“Emma? You know what Selene needs?” Nora asks in a way too innocent voice.

Emma responds in the same tone, “No. What does she need?”

“I think Selen needs a…” Nora pauses, “A haircut.”

“You are right, Nora,” Emma looks at me, “What do you think.”

I’m speechless for a second, “Um… I don’t think that I need a…”

“Good,” Nora says. “I’m so glad you agree.”

They proceed to drag me into a salon. These people are so pushy. I sigh and accept my fate. You can’t change those girls minds once they have got an idea in their head. I’m going to get a hair cut.

When we walk into the salon Nora unhooks her arm from mine and goes up to the front desk. She talks to the lady at the desk for a moment. Nora nods to Emma and Emma walks me over to the cutting station. I look around the salon. There is at least five other people waiting for their hair to be cut. Nora and Emma must have scheduled an appointment days ago. I glare at them and they smile innocently back at me.

The hair stylist walks up to us, “So what do you want to do with your hair today.”

I was about to reply when Emma interrupted me, “We want to get her a pixie cut.”

“What?” the word comes flying of my mouth.

Nora glares at me, “We thought that it would look amazing.”

The stylist looks at me like I’m a doll, “I think you guys are right. That would look really good on her, but I think we should add some red streaks in it, too. I think it would go really well with her brown hair and bring out the green in her eyes.”

Emma and Nora squeal, “That is going to look so great Selene.”

I just stare at the three of them with my mouth hanging open, “You want to cut off all my hair and then dye what’s left?”

The stylist says, “Yes. It will be the best haircut you’ve ever got. Trust me.”

“You guys aren’t going to let me leave, right?” I ask Nora and Emma

Nora smiles, “Nope.”

I reply sarcastically, “Okay fine. Why don’t you cut off all my hair.”

“Great.” the stylist says.

As the stylist works Nora and Emma talk. They try to get me to conversate with me, but I’m giving them the silent treatment. Finally the stylist finishes.

See turns me around so I can look in the mirror. The person in the mirror doesn’t look like me. She’s way too skinny. There are giant bags underneath her eyes. The hair looks more daring, better than before, but the thing that’s the most different is the saddest in her eyes.

I turn away from the mirror, “Thank you guys. It really does look amazing.

Nora, Emma, and the stylist beam at me. We pay for the haircut and head back to the food court. The guys are sitting at a table with a mountain of food. James is staring at me.

“So, do you like James,” Emma asks.

I blink in surprise, “Why would I like James?”

“Well,” Nora answers, “I saw you two sitting next to each other before we arrived.

Shame fills me as I think about that conversation. “No I don’t like him.”

Nora shakes her head, “Okay. Whatever you say.”

I can’t respond because we had just reached hearing distance from the table. I can’t have James thinking that I like him. I don’t like him. I don’t.

We reach the table. Nora and Emma quickly take their seats. The only chair left is next to James. I swear I’m going to kill those girls.

“Nice haircut,” James says.

I keep my mouth closed.

Perry says, “We didn’t know what you guys would want so we bought everything.”

“Thanks,” Nora says and hugs her brother.

“Yeah thanks,” I repeat.

“I’m not hungry,” Emma mutters.

Mr. Thatcher looks at Emma, “Here eat this.”

Mr. Thatcher fills a plate up with food and hands it to Emma. It is clear that Emma is going to have to eat. I glance at James. I expect him to make some sort of joke about her not eating, but he isn’t making. Nope. He’s staring at me. I quickly look away.

Everyone finishes lunch and Mr. Thatcher decides to call it a day. Nora and Perry beg to do another outing next week, but thankfully he refuses. The goodbyes start and I sneak out.