Everyone hates me. But yet they don't. I have very good friends that I can vent to and that I can trust to every full extent. I have a loving father and brother that will always be there for me. But I have a looming cloud of hatred that I am forced to live with. It's called my mother. She is horrid. I hate her so much. She used to be wonderful and actually pretty nice. But now she's ruthless. Ever since she went to those all day therapy sessions, things have been… different. She constantly tells me how much she does for me and how mean I am to her. I just don't how to respond. Do I tell her that she's wrong? Or sit there like a robot obeying orders. The second option is what I've been told to do. So I do it. But it doesn't stop. She still goes through these aggressive mood swings. They hurt me so bad. Everyday I just want her to beat me. It would hurt so much less than what she does. Also I would have physical evidence that I have damage being done.
Every night I cry. Every day I dread coming home. School is less stressful than this. I am so exhausted by the end of the day that after each fight I can't even remember what it's about. I can only feel the lingering pain. So all I know is how much it affected me. Obviously, my mom remembers everything from our fights. Because when I bring one thing up in incorrect context, she calls me out on it and uses it as ammunition for her next attack. She always says that I… well see? Now I can't remember. It was something about that I make assumptions according to what she thinks or whatever.
I want to die. I want to sleep forever. But yet I don't. Only when I'm in the presence of her do I really want to die. She makes me feel like I'm worthless. Like I'm just another piece of trash in the trash bin just like her. But that can't be true. I can't be like her. In my own person right? I don't know anymore. I just want to die. Please help me. I know it's my fault but… I just want out. Please.