"Your bloody lucky, son. Your demon is really bad."

"How is it lucky to be possessed by a really bad demon?"

"I mean, your demon is rubbish. Without exaggeration, it's the most useless demon I've ever encountered."

"But I'm right aren't I, Doc. I'm definitely possessed by a demon?"

"Without doubt."

"How can you be so sure? You haven't done any tests or anything yet."

"Look, son, I'm a Certified Practicing Demomologist. See that certificate? I studied under the late, great Abraham Appletree."

"If he's so great, why is he dead. A good demonologist should be able to get himself a Neverendingstory demon and live forever."

"He's not dead, he's just late. He's always late.  He's got a Whiterabbit demon, and he plans to keep it. It's relatively harmless, and no other demon can possess him while he's got it, so he can do demon removals without any risk of the liberated demon latching onto him. He's done more demon removals than anyone in the country."

"Neverendingstory would have been better."

"Don't be stupid, son. Sure, you live forever with Neverendingstory, but you're in constant, agonising pain. Sends most people mad really quickly. You don't know much about demons do you."

"Not really. That's why I'm here. What demon do you have, Doc?"

"I've got a Popeyethesailorman/Rudolftherednosedreindeer hybrid."

"Popeye? That would explain your skinny neck."

"I'm getting used to that, and the massively strong arms are great, but I'm so over the whole glow in the dark business."

"Does your nose really glow in the dark?"

"Some other part of my anatomy actually."

"Which part?"

"Never mind. You don't need to know. The thing is, I'm thinking of changing to Soundofmusic when one's available. I read about it in the latest Journal of Demonology. It's a good demon to have, just makes you burst into song at inappropriate moments."

"That's all very interesting, Doc, but what about me. Can you figure out what demon I've got?"

"You've got a Pinocchio."

"How can you tell?"

"You see these glasses, son? Well, they're not ordinary glasses, they're demon-viewers. I can see it clinging to your back. You've had it for about a week I'd say. But, like I said before, it's a useless demon. I'm sure you've told lots of lies in the last week, but your nose doesn't seem to have grown at all. Do you want me to get rid of it just in case it gets stronger? They do that sometimes, you know."

"You try, Doc, and I'll break your skinny neck for you. I want you to bind it so I can keep it until the day I die. Can you do that?"

"Sure I can, by why would you want to keep such a useless demon?"

"You're right about the nose. The demon's not effecting my nose at all. It's working on a different part of my anatomy."

"Which part.?"

"Never mind. You don't need to know."