There we go again. Another person I like, another person that knows my twisted life, my lies, my underlines. Another time I've made a mistake. Another time I've inflicted pain, induced fear, and suffering on someone. I've impacted her life. Just like you. I'm seen as a bad person, again. I've made the same mistake again. I told her about my past. I can only imagine what she thinks of me now. I can't stand this loop anymore. I can't live through the same scenario over and over. It's as if the world wants me to remain this dark, manipulative person. No to change. Oedipus was a coward for not killing himself, just like I am a coward for not ending my own life. I wanted to make a change. I wanted to see a smile on everyone's face. I wanted you two to be happy. But my selfishness always seems to get the upper hand. I wanted, I wanted, I, I, I, I, I [...] It's always about me. I've tried so hard to change that, yet it always ended up hitting me in the neck and clamping back onto me. WHY? Why can't I let go of all this? Why can't I just accept the fact that I'll never change? When will it all sink in? I'll never change. My grades will keep falling, my life will deteriorate, I will be the shame of the family. All because I couldn't change. I couldn't find the motivation to stay on the right path and actually persevere, study, get good grades, get accepted as a chemical engineer, and make my parents proud. Selfish me wanted to have a lesser workload. I was too selfish, didn't care about the consequences of my actions. Didn't care about the people I trampled to reach my goals. Maybe that test back in grade 9 was wrong. Maybe helping people isn't my calling. Maybe I was so selfish and cared so much about my image that I picked the image that would grant me the most attention. There. Dan was right. I'm just another attention seeker. Selfish, careless, narrow-minded. Stupid, ignorant, inconsiderate, liar, con-artist, deceiver, manipulator, demonic, heartless. I am nothing more than a disgrace. A waste of atoms, a waste of energy, a waste of space, a waste of time, a waste.
People are slowly moving away from me. I've already had losses, but not of this magnitude. My scores are dropping, my time is fading away. In the shadows, she would stand there, taunting me, crying out for me. I would foolishly run to save her even though i knew she was tricking me, waiting for me to all into the abyss. That hole has been my home for a while now. I'd stand up and stare at the walls, thinking about how i could have fallen for the same trick twice. No, three times. I'd see the sun rise and the moon fall, I'd see the leaves glide and the rain fall. I'd see my life begin with a breath, and end with a picture of her ass it fell from my pocket. The pocket that has never felt emptier without her there. My only reminder of day i truly smiled. The only time i felt like someone wanted to be with me, instead of the seven billion other human beings out there. That one soul, that one name, that one feeling, that one smell, that one sight, that one touch, that one tear, that one knife, that one night, that one dream, that one nightmare, that one sun,that one moon, that one drop, that one break, that one death, those that followed. I was gone, yet i was here. I was me yet he was too. I was there, in that dream, her lips were there, yet they weren't. I felt her touch after so long, but was shrugged off as she threw me into that same hole. The words she will never hear, the voice she will never feel, the tear she will never see, the face I will never touch. The horrors she will never hear of, the terrors she will never have to endure. The love she threw away, the smiles she locked away. I will never learn to love again. I have learned to care, learned to follow, learned to forgive, learned to remember and learned to forget. I've learned to commemorate,I've learned to conceal. I've learned to pray, I've learned to preach. And yet, every time I see her i screech. My soul, agonising, fears for her. It sees itself as a threat to her safety, it pulls my body away. It sees my fangs are sharp, pulls me away from her hugs. It sees my eyes are weary, keeps them locked up from her stares. My mind flies away on sheets of paper, my heart painting the paper with blue.
What am I?
What have I become?
It doesn't matter.
I have people to protect.
I have souls to save.
I might have fallen,
But I won't let
I can never resist the opportunity to write my emotions down on paper. I have to talk about what happened. I have to properly explain to you what made me do what i did. When I broke it off, I didn't quite consider how I'd be doing it. I got caught up in the moment, I lost my cool and it just came out as very inconsiderate smack talk. I must clarify that my thoughts at the time were: the faster I ripped the bandaid off, the less pain I'll go through as I tried to move on. Me writing this down is a sure sign that it failed.
This is not just an explanation. This is a stream of thoughts and sentences that have haunted me for a long time. I haven't moved on. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. You said that I was just like everybody else. That struck me. I was told by the person that once owned my heart that i was a normie. I wasn't special. I had no value in her eyes. It drove me insane. What did she mean by that? She moved on, that was certain. I was lost, I couldn't think straight, I was already so caught up in myself. You threw me in for a loop. My approach was messy, yours was concise, straight to the point, mature. I will never get you back, That too is certain.
A few things to note. In my break-up message, I never asked for my heart back. You can keep it. You can throw it away, You can stab it, poison it, do whatever you like. I never said I lost my feelings towards you. I was just lost in them. I should have asked for some more time to think. Maybe I should have not brought this up in the first place.