We haven’t text in a while. Last time I saw him I was covered in pink dust and wearing dirty sneakers. It was at a crowded festival, twelve days ago. My friends dragged me to the front, near the stage, and everyone was jumping and shouting. It was fun. Scary, but fun.
The night before, my mind wondered if he would be there. I knew everyone was going, but he’s not the party-type, so I held my doubts. I tried not to think much about it, though. It hurts. Physically. Besides, I didn’t want to get that feeling I get so often: disappointment. So I honestly, truthfully, forgot about the possibility of his presence.
First I saw his friends. His new friends. When I -we- fell in love, more than a year ago, he had another group of friends. They were the cool guys. As it sometimes happens when you are 17/18 years old, he must have realized he no longer had much in common with them. They like alcohol too much, weed too much, partying too much. He didn’t, so now he is hanging out with a much low-profile group of guys. Most of them are friends with my ex-boyfriend. That’s not good.
Anyway, I saw them first (probably because they are tall and he is not) but it didn’t mean anything. Not all of my girl-friends were there, so the presence of his friends did not imply his.
And then I saw him.
It was just a fleeting moment, but I already learned that instants mean a lot when feelings like these are involved. Our eyes locked. I have no idea what crossed his mind. I also didn’t know whether to say hi or not, I mean, i was surfing waves of people for god’s sake! Not exactly the most comfortable situation. Our hands touched. A guy with a way-to-big-for-a-festival backpack pushed me, so I pushed back and shouted something. The guy looked back in surprise… and he laughed. I’ve always been able to make him laugh. That’s good, i guess. But apparently not enough.
Anyway, that was our only interaction that day. Of course my eyes kept scanning the crowd, hoping to see him again. I don’t know what for, though. It’s not like anything was going to happen between us. Only more-than-normal extended eye contact and bittersweet jokes.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast afterwards. The festival was awesome, but sometimes big crowds only make me wish I could be alone with him. It’s like… the more people I see, the more I want him and only him.
Since then, I have only seen him via his Snapchat story. Not even private snaps. Not that I expected them. Not that I would ever send him one first. My biggest fear is to make him see me like a girl who is madly in love with him. I’m not just that. And he knows that. He would be with me. If he didn’t have a girlfriend. That’s the thing I hate the most about him.
Sometimes I get the feeling I’m finally getting over him. But I always fall back into the dark. Yesterday, for example, I was having dinner with my friends and they had no better idea than to watch one of our senior year videos. They are great, honestly, I love them, but it’s just so damn hard for me to watch them. Why? Because he is always the protagonist. It’s impossible to ignore him. Besides, it only takes me back to that time when I actually felt we were about to go somewhere. Something real was going to happen between us. It didn’t, and I’m afraid I will have to live with the doubt. I’ll never know what he felt back then.
So, as I was saying, my friends made me watch the video because they don’t know I’m not over him yet. And he looked so handsome. Those were the eyes that used to stare at me for minutes non-stop under the caribbean sun. Those were the shoulders I used to put my arms around, on the sly, so it wasn’t that obvious. For the rest, not for us. We didn’t mind, we longed for it. But he had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, and we couldn’t let people witness our emotional adultery. Because that is the only way to describe it: emotional adultery. We didn’t even kiss, but trust me, something bigger happened. It was a mental connection I doubt I’ll ever experience again. So no, I’m not over him, and maybe I’ll never be. Maybe there are some people you just never get over.
At first I did talk about it with my friends. They saw what happened, because even if we weren’t that obvious, we were a little obvious. So, after we came back from that trip, we were the subject in everyone’s mouth. The whole school knew. My friends teased me, asked me, advised me, but then the year came to an end and they just assumed I was over it because nothing more happened. Because he still had a girlfriend even though I’d broken up with my boyfriend. He was not the only reason of my breakup, we were in bad terms and the fact that I fell in love with someone else only made me realize it made no sense to stay in that relationship any longer.
But anyway, right now I’m in a state of resignation. I don’t even care if he is with her or not. I used to wait for their breakup in expectation. They broke up once, one and a half years ago, just months before I fell in love with him, but they got back together in a matter of days. Not that I cared back then. The thing is that if they broke up once, they could totally break up again, cause it meant they were no perfect couple, right? Well, they are still together, so the best thing I can do is accepting it and pretend I moved on, I guess.
Whenever I find myself daydreaming of the possibility of us, I mentally punish my brain. I just can’t afford those fantasies. They tear apart what’s left of my hart and mind.
Shite. Instagram and Snapchat are ruining my life. Whats wrong with guys nowadays? Why do they have to post a thousand pictures everytime they hang out? That used to be a girls’ thing. I don’t want to see his face all over my social networks, thank you very much. And specially not his girlfriend’s lame comments.
I know what you are thinking: ‘why don’t you unfollow him?’ But I just can’t. It’s not like your ex, or that guy you dated for a while and turned out a douchebag who had a relationship he never told you about. We pretend to be friends, so unfollowing/blocking/deleting would be acknowledging I have feelings for him. And it would also mean he would no longer have the possibility to contact me. Of course I’m way too weak for that. I’m always too weak when it comes to him. The rest of the time I’m all about girl power and I constantly remind my friends that they are queens who should settle for no less. Well, that part of me disappears when he’s around. I hate that. I hate him. F*ck, I wished that last thing were true.
I’m starting to forget, though. I don’t see him that often, so I’m forgetting how close we were to… happen. Now it’s starting to feel more like a fantasy. Just another crush. I also wished that last thing were true.
I have a large group of friends from school, and some of them think he is hilarious. I can’t even tell you how annoying that is. Whenever I read they are talking about how funny his Snapchat Story is, I just want to throw my phone out the window. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BRING HIM UP? Even the mention of his name drives me mad. And I don’t mean weak-knees mad, or funny mad. I mean ANGRY mad. I. Hate. How. They. Idolize. Him. Not even I do, and I’m f*cking in love with him!
Ok, yeah, that’s probably an I-hate-him-cause-I-can’t-have-him situation. Sorry about the drama. I just need to express it somehow, and my friends are not an option, again, cause they want to believe I’m over him, and I don’t really want to prove them wrong.
Anyway, so in this photos he uploaded today he’s with his new group of friends, of course. And I started thinking… maybe is a good thing he changed friends, right? Maybe if he changes friends he can… change other things. Besides, his friends are good friends of mine. One of them in particular. I could tell him about my crush, in case he doesn’t already know, and maybe he could help me. But there is one little problem: he is one of my ex-boyfriend’s closest friends, too. My ex-boyfriend, who mourned our breakup for months (not that he wasn’t guilty). So I guess setting me up with another guy would be treason. F*ck boys and their laws.
Is it useful to plan things when it comes to love? Do strategies help? Or should I wait for things to happen the way maybe they are supposed to happen? Honestly, what we have feels so meant to be that I’d actually started to believe in fate. But every time the sun sets, everyday that passes by, every hour, every minute we are not together… my doubts grow bigger and bigger. I hate this.