They say you won't sleep for a week. They also say that it hurts like a bitch. Either way, I have been afraid of actually doing it since I was old enough to try it. 

You can only do it once, and most kids do it when they're young, to get it out of the way. I think they do it when they're young because they have no self control. It's a waste. Youth. I see no point to being able to do it at the most immature point in your life. I think I made a choice to NOT be that guy when I was a teen. It has always been so hard for me to fit in, to find my place, to be unique. And I think making the choice NOT to do it when I could made me who I am now. I've been able to do it for 18 years now. Shit, if I had a kid at the point I was able to do it, that kid would be old enough to do it them self. It's so weird to think. 

It's become a trend now that parent's chuck their kid a party when they come of age, and then get them to waste it. I see it online all the time. It's like their parent's way of ruining it for them, like getting a credit card out in their name when they're babies, or something.

I think it defines me. The oldest someone was when they lost it was 80, but, we really won't ever know for sure. 20 years ago when they discovered what it was, people were going crazy, not really understanding how, or what it actually is. I don't feel like an adult, how am I meant to pass on knowledge to my younger self? I wouldn't know what to say.

As I sit at my desk, alone in my small apartment, with nothing but the glow of my iPad illuminating my hands as I type on the mechanical keyboard. I search the phrase "Will keeping your Pineal Venom give you mental illness?". 

Wow, millions of pages from WebMD to JustinsPinealAdvice.org. This is silly, I've come this far, why not go longer? 

I click on a link titled "How do you know you've done it (Ways to check at home)". A video starts playing.

"Hi, My name is Leroy and thank you for watching this video. Remember, if this helps you, make sure you like and subscribe to my channel"

FAST FORWARD

"...and you're in front of your mirror, the best way to test is to close your eyes, and think hard about your past, your favourite memory and then quickly open your eyes, if you see your eyes dilate suddenly, you still have juice in the tank"

Interesting. But that seems too risky, I'll just do it the old fashion way... doctor Bishop.

Doctor Bishops waiting room is clean. There is a kids table next to the coffee table, with a cup full of pencils. The lady next to me looks like she's bracing for bad news, or she just hates mornings, either way, she doesn't want to be here. On the walls are some posters about flu season, and another about violence against staff members. On the far side of the waiting room is a massive government endorsed poster for Pineal Venom usage, with a big slogan saying "Use it once, use it wise" and a cartoon of two teenagers with worried looks on their faces. I can't believe this would work on an impressionable teen, let alone using it as a deterrent for parent's pressuring their kid. 

As I sit and ponder about the poster I don't realise Doctor Bishop is standing in front of me

"William?" his voice nudges me back to the room.

I stand and walk with him to his room, not his regular room, which is down the end of the hallway, but the first room on the left. 

We sit, and he looks into his monitor and begins typing away. The room is a regular doctors office, like, classic doctors office, books on shelves, partial skeleton dangling next to the bed and blood pressure thing.

"So what can I do you for, today, William?" He asks. He's young. Maybe a few years older than me. He's been my doctor for a few years now, but he wouldn't be more than 35 years old at the most. 

"I need to check my Pineal Gland and perhaps get some advice?"

"We can do that, do you have memories of you using it?"

"I don't, but I could have used it when I was a teen and not remembered, right?" I ask, trying to convince him that this could be a waste of time.

"You'd remember. You wouldn't get to your age now and have no memory of using it, it doesn't work that way"

I know for a fact I haven't used it, I just didn't want to play in absolutes.

"Right, well, I have no memories of it, so it's possible it's still there"

He takes out a flat container, similar to an ink pad for getting finger prints, and opens it up. Inside is a thin sheet of almost translucent  paper. He takes it out and hands it to me. I place it on my tongue and he turns to face the computer to proceed to writing notes. My head leans back and my mouth stays open and we wait. This test is the most accurate test known. It tests the level of venom you have in your Pineal Gland. 

"While we wait, let me tell you why you'd know if you used it... I was 44, almost 45 years old when I lost my home in a fire. Inside was everything I held dear. Photographs, cherished items, everything I worked my whole life for... my wife and daughter... I lost everything in that fire. I thought I would hold on to my venom, I didn't need it, I had everything I wanted. Until I had nothing. I then studied up on what I needed to do to prevent the fire and I narrowed the whole situation down to my daughters illness. She needed an apparatus every night in order to help her breathe, and it was this machine that sparked the fire that started the inferno. I used my venom 8 years after the loss of my wife and kid, after I knew exactly what to use it on. Now, My wife and I are expecting our first born in a few weeks. It'll be a boy this time."

I swallow the remaining sheet on my tongue and he grabs my neck with two fingers to the pulse whist he studies his watch. 

"Why did it change?" I ask, I am shocked at his honesty.

"You're full alright... never used a drop..."

"How did you have a girl previously, and now you're having a boy?"

"All you're doing is planting a new memory, a message, for your younger self to hear... that message may be unheard, depending on who you were back then. My message changed me, it changed my life so drastically that everything I did from that moment on was different. There was no way I was ever getting my daughter back, I would have had to do everything the exact way, the exact time, everything would have had to be a match for it to turn out the same way. The fact that I am having a son now means I have saved my daughter and wife. They'll never have that exact fate, because I have stopped that timeline for ever happening."

He leaned into his desk and into his draw and pulled out a brochure, on it it reads "Don't know what to do with your past?" and there's a 1800 number. 

"Thanks" I say. Well this has been a waste of time. 

"You don't NEED to use it, you know. It's rare, but some people go their whole life without using it. Some people use it on their deathbed. But trust me when I say, a life worth living is not a life worth changing"

As I left his office, walking back to my car, I pass a group of protesters. They're holding signs like "Previous Life Children Matter" and "Venom is Murder". These people are the ones who oppose the use of the Pineal Gland, but chances are, they've already used theirs. Hypocrites. I can understand people resetting their future, but murder? That's a stretch. It's like they didn't even exist. And what about all those who change their lives for the good? Who gain children out of it? Do they not make up for the life not taken? 

There was this series on Netflix that followed a court case on a lady who changed her life so much that it wiped out three generations of her offspring, she couldn't have kids because she told herself to go to a water park. And at that water park she had an accident that caused damage to her reproductive system. Her own folks were against her. They went to one of those doctors who can recant their previous life through the last of their venom, and then used THAT in court. It was crazy. I haven't seen the last two episodes yet. Hmm, I might put that in my phone to remind me later to watch it. 

It took me a while to actually plan this visit. The brochure the doc gave me has been folded so many times, it sits in my hand nicely now. This waiting room is less of a room and more of a waiting hallway. And there is no privacy, I can see right into the office where the current patient is. I can't hear them, but I can see them. It's a young girl, maybe 20? Possibly younger. She's slightly over weight, and holding tight onto a handbag, even though she's made herself comfortable on a couch. Like she is ready to run away at any time. Is that what I should do? Always have one foot out the door when it comes to advice?

The hallway is quiet. I need to pee. There's a bathroom right in front, but I don't want to miss my session. There's another 10 minutes, just go! No, it's fine. I can wait. 

A few moments go by, and it looks like their finishing. The girl stands up and then the guy stands up and start walking towards me. He walks halfway to me and ushers her out and then looks at me. 

"William" he states. 

As I sit, he starts to look at me. No words. Do I talk first? I am paying him, HE should talk fi...

"What are your thoughts on this process" he interrupts.

"I think I need more guidance. More of an idea of how to shape my life. I hope that this can help me make a better choice"

"Well, to begin with, we don't make choices here. To be perfectly honest with you, it's my job to tell you NOT to use it"

I read the brochure, nowhere did it say it was funded by the catholic church.

"Why shouldn't I use it?" Which was a legitimate question.

"Time is linear. It should not be messed with. Are you aware of the 'many words' theory?" he asks

I nod, but in a "I'm not sure" kind of way

"When a single person uses their venom they rip a piece of the fabric of time and space itself, like a square of a toilet roll. This square then becomes a whole new toilet roll. But really, there are an endless amount of squares and toilet rolls that are still out there, each have lives and events we can't ever know. When we visit the doctor who can tell us where we came from, he can only tell us the immediate story that just happened. Nothing previous to that by someone else, or the next person who did it off your NOW reality. So what we have is all this toilet paper, over the SHIT we call NOW, trying to wipe the crap from our past life."

That was elegant. "Wouldn't that mean that we as a species are trying to evolve?"

"Or course correct, maybe. But that's a huge leap in almost NO time. Have you heard the Venom Domino Theory?"

"That the discovery of the venom could have been thousands of years in the future, and it cascaded down through generations? Is this your usual shpeal?"

He looks at me with bullshit eyes. "Look, you're going to do it, it's my role to take the opposite perspective. No matter your choice, you need to know and understand why we have this ability. It's not my place to care about you. I'm not going to sit with you and try and figure out where you can best change your life. You'll feel it. You'll know exactly where to use it, WHEN you need to use it, if ever."

There was nothing to say after that. The room is silent, and I suddenly realize there is someone new in the waiting hallway. 

"I won't use it. Not until I have a need."

I stand up in a huff and start to walk back the way I came.

"Look" he says, standing up at me "There is no need to ever make a choice. You'll feel it. But also, you won't have anything to do with it, because before you realize... it's done"

My car is messy. As I hop into it, I always think the same thing. But then I come to my senses and know that no one else is getting into this car, so who cares. 

The drive back to my office was long. It's not like I didn't already know all of that stuff, but when it's said in relation to my stance against it, it makes me think. Should I give up my core values? Should I give up a piece of me that makes ME me? I don't get the big deal. I turn the radio on and focus on the road.