Prologue

JASON

2008

“Thanks for the Memories, even though they weren’t so great.”-FallOut Boy

           I grab her hand across the center console of my 2001 Chevy Cavalier. Her fruity body spray wafting past me with the window open. It’s cool a cool enough spring night to have the windows down as I drive down College Avenue. We are leaving my favorite Mexican restaurant, Cafe Mexicali,  headed back to my apartment after our third date. I really like this girl, am so comfortable around her. The silence doesn’t feel forced, and I smile as I lift her hand to my lips to kiss the back of it. The feel of her skin, soft and warm against mine calmed and excited me at the same time. We’ve only been dating for a little bit, but I could feel myself falling for this girl. She turned and looked at me, a small smile flitting across her lips, then turned back to look out the window, watching the trees fly past.

           I didn’t live far from campus, lucking out and finding a place decently close whose rent was too bad. My roommates and I got along, and they knew I was bringing her back to the place after our lunch date, so they made themselves scarce. As I slid my car into the spot, I started to get nervous. My palms started getting damp, so I quickly let go of her hand. Not wanting to seem like a complete dolt, I flipped the car off quickly, and ran out to get her door for her. She looked up at me as I pulled open the door, and offered my hand to help her out of the car.

           “You ok?” I smiled at her.

           “Yeah. Thank you, Jason,” she smiled up at me sadly.

           “You sure,” I slipped my fingers between hers, and squeezed. “I’m here if you want to talk about anything.” She looked up at me again, and smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

           “I’m sure. And thank you, Jason. I mean it.”

           “You’re welcome.” I let go of her hand and slung my arm over her shoulder, and she wraps the arm I just released around my waist. The joy of being so tall, is that I tower over girls, which makes me feel oddly protective. I like it. I keep my arm around her shoulder as we walk up the stairs of my complex to my apartment. I pull the keys out of my jeans and open the door quickly. We walk through the door, and i am so fucking glad I picked up the living room earlier. My roommates are great, but we’re guys. It’s not that it was a pig sty or anything, but there were some pizza boxes littering the floor, and beer bottles in the bathroom from the party we had earlier this week.

           She walks in ahead of me, quietly. Too, quiet.

           “You’re awfully quiet.” I walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist, and whisper in her ear.

           “I know. I’m just thinking.”

           “What about,” my arms tighten around her.

           “Nothing important.”

           I turn her around, my arms still wrapped around her. I need to look her in the eye while we’re talking. Something seems off, and I’m not sure when it started feeling that way.

           “Yeah, I’m sure.” she tilts her head up to look at me, smiling. I lean down and press a soft kiss to her lips. Lifting up, I look in her eyes.

           “I’m here if you need to talk about anything.” She wraps her arms around my neck, bringing my lips back down to hers.

           “I know” she whispers before kissing me again. This kiss deeper than the one I placed on her before. Desperate almost. A kiss designed to make help her forget something. That I could help with. I feel myself tighten against the zipper of my jeans. I want to slow things down. This is supposed to be sweet, romantic. I realize that usually girls are the ones who get all weird about their first time, but I want it to be something I look back fondly on, not something I regret for moving too quickly. I want to hold it in my mind like something precious, something beautiful and treasured. This was going to be something I carried with me for the rest of my life. Next to my wedding and the birth of my future children, this was going to be the most important day of my life.

           I try to pull my mouth away from her, just to slow it down a little. To let her know how much I treasured what she was about to do for me. But she is having none of it. She tightens her grip on my head, and kisses me fiercely. I stop trying to slow it down, because that’s not what she wants. If I want to be with this girl, and I do, I am going to do what she wants. I bend down and put my hand under her ass, lifting her up off the ground. She wraps her legs around my waist, and I carry her down the hall to my room. How I get there with my eyes closed, and not bumping into anything I have no idea, but I’m not about to looking a fucking gift horse in the mouth.

           I close the door behind me drop, and  her unceremoniously on my bed quickly following her down, and covering her with my body.

           “Are you sure?” I whisper, tracing her neck with my lips. Her hands slip under my shirt, and she runs her fingers down my back, making me shiver. I rip my shirt off, wanting more of whatever it is she is doing to my body.

           “I’m sure. Jason I need you,” she moans as I suck on her neck, lightly, my hands gripping her hips. My mouth finds hers, and I kiss her fiercely, trying to show her how much I want her with this kiss. She starts ripping at the button on my jeans, furiously trying to get them off of me. I sit up quickly, and start tugging the offending items off of me. She starts ripping her clothes off too, and throwing them on the floor, not caring where they end up. Just as quickly, I am back over her. My mouth tasting hers, as my hands roam over her body. I find her breast and squeeze lightly, catching a moan in mouth.

           “Harder, Jason.” I grip her more firmly, massaging her breasts, encouraged by her moans. Her hands grip my hip hard, and my dick is so close to her opening, that I can feel the heat emanating off of her, making me harder than I thought possible. I want to in her so bad, I dont’ think I’m going to last long.

           “I want to do this right, but I don’t think I can hold off much longer,” I groan as I start kissing her neck.

           “I need you inside of me, Jason. Please” she moans and arches, as my lips find her nipples and I start sucking, trying to shove more of her into my mouth. God, I love her breasts.I suck harder on her nipple, and twirl my tongue around it, making the tip hard. Her moans spur me on, and I gasp as her hand finds my hardness. She tightens her fist around me, and I start pumping into her hand, and switch to her other breast. Giving the other the same attention as the first.

    “Jason, please,” she moans. I reluctantly let go of her, and reach for my nightstand drawer. I stocked up on condoms when I moved into the apartment, thinking I would quickly become a sex fiend, now that I was out of the dorms. This is the first girl I’ve had in my room, and I graduate at the end of the semester. I grab a foil packet, and rip it open. She takes it from me, and I sit back as she grabs me, and slides it over my head. I grit my teeth, not wanting to lose myself before I’m even inside of her.

    I push her back, and position myself at her entrance. She arches her back in anticipation, “Please, Jason. I need you inside me now.” I slowly enter into her, trying to commit her warmth and wetness into memory. I want to be able to call on this on nights when I’m alone. She moans with pleasure, and I groan with how fucking good this feels. When I’m all the way in, I stop to try and control myself before I blow my load too soon. She tightens around me and I gasp.

    “Fuck,” I mutter. I start moving, and she is arching again. I bend and lick her nipple, sucking it into my mouth. She is moaning louder, and meeting my hips with hers when I sink back inside of her. I let go of her breast, and focus on how good she feels wrapped around me.

    “Harder,” she pants, “Faster, Jason. I’m so close.” I oblige, rearing back and slamming into her so hard that the headboard is banging against the wall.

    “Yes! Yes!” she screams, and I feel her tightening around me. With that, I go over the edge.

    I moan incoherently as I empty myself into her. My pulse is beating wildly. I can’t hold myself up anymore. I pull out, careful to keep the condom from slipping off. I roll over, so I don’t collapse on top of her.  I tie up the end, and toss the thing into the trash next to my desk before I lie down next to her. I fling my arm over my eyes and try and catch my breath.

    “That was great,” she says as she gets out of bed, and starts looking for her clothes.

    “What are you doing?” I ask her, confused.

    “I’ve got to get going. I have a test on Monday and I need to study for it.” She won't look me in the eye.

    “Oh, um. Ok. I give me a second to catch my breath, and I’ll drive you back.”

    “No. That’s ok. I think I’ll walk.”

    “I don’t mind driving you. Plus it’s dark out. I couldn’t let you just walk around town on your own in the dark. My mother raised me better than that.”

    “I appreciate it Jason, but I think I would rather walk. Get my thoughts together. I’ll text you when I get to my dorm.” She pulls her shirt back over her head. “It’s really not that far.”

    “Are you sure?” I don’t like this.

    “I’m positive. I promise. I’ll call.”

    “Ok.” I pull some shorts out of my dresser, and put them on before she can go running from my room.  I follow her to the door. She stops just outside the door, and turns to look at me. The regret in her eyes hits me with a punch to the gut.

    “Thank you, Jason. Tonight was just what I needed.” She turns and runs down the stairs before I can respond.

      I shut the door, and lean my head against it. Why do I feel like I just got used?

       Damn it

Shawn

2012

“You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”-Goyte

    Glancing out of the window, I pick up the phone to call my best friend. It’s extremely hot outside, and I can’t seem to get comfortable. I am so ready for this baby to get out of me. I dial in Chelsea’s number and she answers on the second ring.

    “Hey!” I say when I hear her voice, “Have you seen Korey? I haven’t been able to get a hold of him in the past couple of days.”

    “No,” she hesitates.

    “Oh. Ok. Well, if you see him, can you let him know I’m looking for him?”

    “Uh, sure,” she responds distracted. I hear someone in the background, and a muffle as if she is holding her hand over the receiver.

    “What is going on? Who are you talking to?”

    “Oh, no one. How are you?”

    “God, I cannot wait until this baby is born!” I complain, propping my feet up on the chair next to me. I am three weeks from my due date, July 31. It is the middle of the summer, and my swollen feet can’t take the heat anymore. “It is too damn hot for this shit!” I am getting irritated, “I mean, I can’t find my boyfriend, and I am sure he’s cheating on me. He’s been acting shady for the past few weeks. Something is going on.”  Chelsea doesn’t respond. “Hello, are you still there?” I look at my phone, making sure I didn’t accidentally hang up on her.

       “Yeah, I’m here.” she replies, quietly. “Sorry. Do you mind if I come over. There’s something I need to talk to you about, and don’t want to do it on the phone.”

          “Um, yeah. Sure,” I answer, concerned.

          “I’ll be there in a bit.” She hangs up before I can respond. Now I’m getting worried. She has been off for, too,  the past few weeks. At first I thought she was just nervous about me with this pregnancy. It hasn't’ been the easiest. I’ve been sick for a lot of it, gestational diabetes is no joke. I was hoping to be able to eat whatever I wanted when I found out I was having a baby. But between watching my blood sugar, and now dealing with this high blood pressure, I am so over having this baby inside of me.

          As if sensing my unease, he flips over; causing his little butt to stick out and my stomach look lopsided. I gently rub on my extended belly.

          “Baby boy, I am so ready for you to come out. I want to meet you. Daddy wants to meet you too.”

          I’m imagining holding this faceless baby boy in my arms when the doorbell rings. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting there daydreaming, but Chels must be here.

          “It’s open!” I yell from my seat. I’m not getting my fat ass up to answer the door. It opens and she sticks her head in to look for me before coming inside. I love Chelsea. Her brown skin always reminds me of dark chocolate, whereas mine looks like milky coffee. And her hair! If I could have hair like hers, or rather, if I could have the patience to do my hair like she does hers. Days where I comb this kinky mess every day, I consider it a good day. Today, she has it twisted and braided back into a Mohawk.

          “Hey,” I smile at her. She smiles sadly, and looks down at the floor. Ok...she looks nervous and sad, and not like the confident woman I know. Then I see my boyfriend, Korey, behind her. He looks nervous too. What the fuck is going on? I sit up straighter, putting my feet down on the floor.

          “Um, we need to talk to you,” Chelsea looks down at the floor.

          “Ok,” my gaze flits between the two of them. Trying to figure out what the hell is going on, though I have a feeling I already know. Korey closes the door behind him, and sits on the couch. Chelsea stands next to him, near the armrest, she doesn’t look at me.

          “What is going on?” I ask, letting the irritation I feel at the fact that she won’t look me in the face seep into my voice. She flinches slightly, and my eyes narrow. I look from her to Korey, who is looking at the ground too. He takes a deep breath and starts.

          “We wanted to talk to you, because we had something we need to tell you,” he takes another breath, “Shit, this isn’t easy.”

          “Just say it,” I say, looking between the two of them again.

          “We’ve been sleeping together,” Chelsea rushes out in a whisper.

          “I see,” I say calmly. “You’ve been sleeping together. For how long has this been going on?”

          “Um..” Korey clears his throat, “Yeah.”

          “November,” Chelsea whispers, crying softly.

          “You have been together since November?” They both nod, still looking at the floor. I am oddly calm about this whole thing.

          “We want to get married,” Korey says.

          “You want to get married,” I say, my voice finally steadily rising as what they are saying sinks in,   “And you decide to wait until today to tell me. Three weeks before your baby is due. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo. You two must have had a great laugh at me the past 9 months, fucking while I’m growing a fucking baby inside of me.” I am screaming at them by the time I finish.

        “No!” Chelsea whispers again, tears streaming harder down her face. “It was never like that. We didn’t mean for it to happen like this.”

    “You didn’t mean for it to happen like this?” I screech. I stop, take a deep breath. I have to think of the baby. My blood pressure is already too high, I do not need to add to it by screaming and getting worked up over this. “Then, please, tell me how for 9 months, neither of you felt the need to let me know that the life I was planning with the Father of my child wasn’t going to happen?” They both look back at the ground. “Explain the fact that my best friend and my boyfriend are now going to get married, while I’m over here preparing to have this baby, and it wasn’t supposed to happen like this? How was it supposed to happen then? In the hospital? While you were cutting the cord, were you just going to hand me an invitation to your wedding that I’m not going to be in?”

    “No!” Chelsea says again, “We wanted to tell you sooner, but we didn’t know how?”

    “You didn’t know how?” I growl, clenching my teeth, “How about before I start making fucking plans to get married after this baby is born. For the past few months, you’ve been listening to my plans. BOTH of you! And neither of you said anything. And I feel like an idiot, because I was probably just giving you ideas for your own day.”

       Korey looks contrite, “I’m sorry, Shawn. I really am.” I look back and forth between the two of them. And suddenly I am know that the only way to keep my sanity with the two of them is to cut them completely out. I cannot face them every day and know what they have done to my family. So they can go off and be happy together. But I will not be a part of it.

    “Well, I’m sorry that my baby will never know his father, or my once best friend.”

    “What?!” Korey sits up straighter, “You can’t take my baby away from me.”

    “Well, you should have thought of that before you stuck your dick in that whore.” I stand up and walk to the door, “ Because, I’ll be damned if you think I am going to want anything to do with either of you fuckers ever again. And as I am not married to you, I don’t have to do shit. Your name is not going on the birth certificate, I am not asking you for money for this baby,” I talk over him trying to interrupt me. There is no way I am letting him in my life. I would much rather do this on my own than to try and. “I am not letting you anywhere near my baby. This baby deserves to have a real man in his life, to show him how to be a good and honorable person. Right now, the only one in this room who can show him that is me. So get the fuck out of my house.” I hold the door open for them to leave.

    “Shawn, can’t we…”

    “I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU TWO-TIMING ASS HOLES!” I scream at them. They both jump at my venom, and quietly stand and leave the house. I glare at them, not letting the tears threatening to fall lose until the door closes. I collapse in on myself, sobbing at the loss of my family.

    Happy birthday to me, I think. And the tears fall harder.

1

Jason

Present Day

“The scars of your love remind me of us.”-Adele

           “Get your ass up! I am not going to wait for you!” I yell at James from the bottom of the stairs of our house. Getting a fifteen year old up and ready to go when he refused to go to bed the night before is damn near impossible. I should have taken his X-Box from him. I go back into the kitchen to get my coffee. I have to be at the school in, looking at the clock, 20 minutes. That boy is lucky I love him. I’d be on the road already. But he has practice, and wants to hang out with some of his teammates before hand. How my parents did it with me, I will forever be grateful. This parenting shit is no noke. Not that I don’t love my brother, but he can work your last nerves.

           I’m putting the lid on my travel mug when I hear him stomp down the stairs. I roll my eyes. He’s going to be fun to deal with today, a tired, cranky teenager. So much fun. I hold out a travel mug for him as he rounds the corner into kitchen. He grunts a thank you as he takes the cup from me. You love him, you love him, I chant to myself. I can’t kill my brother, no matter how much I’m sure it could be construed as self-defense.

He grabs his gym bag from by the door, and we head out to the truck. I wave to our neighbor as we climb in. Most people on our street don’t realize he’s my brother. I know he’s adopted, but the fact that he is also Black to my freckled red hair raises plenty of eyebrows. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye as we drive towards the interstate.

“You ready for practice?” I ask.

“I guess,” he mumbles.

“You guess? I’m going to need more than that.”

“I don’t know. it’s the first day. Coach is going to do a lot of running drills. It’s not that much fun.”

“I thought you liked football.”

           “I do. It’s the first day of practice I don’t like. I like games, I like being with my friends. I like all the other practices, except for the first one.”

I chuckle, “Well, after today, you will have the first day of practice over and done with.”

He grunts a response and lifts his coffee to drink. “What about school? You’re on a great team this year.”

“I still have to deal with your ass every day,” he mumbles.

“I did hear that, ass,” I shove him.

“I know. I know. It’s going to be great. I’m going to be expected to be this genius because my brother works at the school.”

           “Dude, you are a genius. That has nothing to do with me. You do that all on your own..”

“I’m not a genius,” he mumbles again.

“Whatever you say dude,” I shake my head again. I’m not going to argue with him when he’s being all moody. I’m proud of him any way. He’s worked hard at everything he’s ever put his mind to. I’m glad he’s my brother, because when he becomes a rich and famous football star, or CEO of some Fortune 500 company I can say that he’s my baby brother. Until then, I will drive his ass all over town, because I love him. I focus on the road, enjoying my brother’s company.  

We pull into the parking lot of the school. I have meetings all day, and James is going to walk over to his friend’s house from the school. He hops out before I even turn the car off, and starts walking.

“I’ll be here after practice. Just come to my room,” I shout after him. He raises his hand in acknowledgement. He’s been moody lately, I don’t know if it’s the fact that school is starting up again, or the anniversary of our parent’s death. But anytime I ask him about it, he shuts me out. I shake my head at his retreating back. I hope hanging with his friends helps his funk. I grab my messenger bag and head into the school.

I plop down into the library chair, next to my buddy Rob. I have mixed emotions about the start of the school year. I am looking forward to the start of the year, but I am definitely not ready for the kids to come back. It feels like no matter what I do, I am never ready.

“Hey man.” Rob grins at me, the glint in his eye has me shaking my head at him. He is oddly excited, every year, for the new teachers. Not that we have a high turnover rate, but we are growing. In the past 5 years, we’ve grown to about 50 teachers. This year, we are finally fully staffed. “You ready?”

“Man, give it up. Why would you want to shit where you eat?” I have always held the belief that office romances never end well.

“Why wouldn’t I want to be with a teacher? They are the only ones who know what it’s like! I wont have to explain why I am staying late to grade papers, or, even better, I’ll have a sympathetic ear when I complain about some crazy ass parent!”

“Then why don’t you get on Match.com or something and find a teacher. Why are you so insistent on finding a girl at the same school where you work?”

“Convenience. I work a lot. I don’t have time to try and go out and actually meet people.”

I roll my eyes at him, “How was your break?”

“It was alright. Spent it back home with my family. My sister got engaged, so I spent most of the time avoiding to help with planning the damn thing. How was yours?”

Before I can respond, our principal walks into the library with 6 new teachers. I see Eric, the newest member of the Math department, and he’s looking extremely nervous. I have to remember to invite him to lunch with us. While the new teachers take their seats, I turn back to Rob. “It was alright. James and I went to Universal Studio. We went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We stood in line for 8 hours at the new Diagon Alley ride. I was amazing!”

Rob rolls his eyes at my enthusiasm. “You are ridiculous, dude.” He turns to watch the newbies sitting at the around the circular table set up in front of the projection screen. He nudges my shoulder, “Check ‘em out!”

           I look back at the group of the new teachers now opening up their laptops, Eric is nervously tapping his hand on the table. Next to him, a Hispanic woman is talking to him. Or rather talking at him. I honestly don’t think the kid is listening. She’s very pretty though, and I know the second Rob sees her. A intake of breath next to me let’s me know that he’s got his eyes set on her.

           “Hot damn,” he mutters. I chuckle at his obviousness.

           Then my eyes land on her. I used to laugh at those clichéd images in movies, the “meet-cute”. The point when some jack off is sitting in a restaurant and this beautiful woman walks in. It’s slow motion, and an ethereal glow surrounds her like she’s some fallen angel or some shit. Yeah, I’m rescinding my man card right now. That shit is totally real, and actually happens in everyday life. Like right now. And I mean, fuck me. This girl is gorgeous.

I would revoke my stance on workplace romances just to have a chance at her. Her smile is radiant, it reaches all the way up to her eyes. I can tell she is not nervous about her first day at a new school, but is purely excited about it. She is tall, well, taller than most girls I’ve ever dated before. Which is perfect for me. Her brown skin shines like chocolate as the light from the window hits her, Her hair pulled up in a braided bun, and large square rectangular framed glasses make her look like the sexiest librarian I’ve ever seen. If she were the librarian at my school, when I was in school, I would have spent a lot more time at the library. But it’s not slutty. She is purely woman. A woman I would like to get to know.

I squirm in my seat, trying to adjust the bulge that is not forming in my pants, as my friend Audra sits down next to us. “Morning, gentlemen!” Even though she is only a couple years older, Audra has been more like a mother to me and my brother for as long as I’ve known her. She just switched over to the 10th grade team, teaching English, but had been teaching on my team since I started here 7 years ago. She was there for me when my parents died, and helped me adjust being a dad to James. People don’t always know how to react when a white guy shows up as the guardian of an obviously black kid.

“How was your summer?” I ask, purposely trying to avoid looking at the new teachers.

“Since you left me here all alone, and went off to Florida without me?” she laughs, and punches my arm.

“Hey! I offered. You said you had other plans.”

“You should have tried harder to convince me to go! Can’t stand the fools in my family,” She sighs, “But, I still love you.”

           “I love you, too. But seriously, how was your summer? I didn’t get to talk to you as much as I wanted.” I glance back at the table quickly. Like I’m searching for a hit of a drug I can’t quite get a fix on. I find her. Her smile still plastered on her face, and she is listening intently to something another one of the teachers is saying. I smile at the pure joy etched there. She laughs, and it carries across the room. I smile deeper. I have never seen someone light up the way she is lighting up right now. I am really looking forward to getting to know her. I don’t know who she is, but if this is how she is acting the first day, I want to get to know her badly.

I have never acted this way about a girl before. I have never been so enamored with someone who I haven’t even met yet. I can’t take my eyes off of her. I am listening to Audra speak, but the words aren’t penetrating my brain. I am mesmerized by this woman, laughing at the table in front of me.

“...And of course, Kendra got married to Prince Harry over the summer. Bit of a scandal that was for the Royal family. To think, Harry marrying a 12 year old. They have to wait a while to consummate, but I think it’s a good match…”

“Wait. What?” I tune back into the conversation.  

“Boy I have been talking for five minutes and you have not heard a single thing I’ve said!”

“Yes, I did! Kendra got married.”

Audra rolled her eyes, “No, you were too busy ogling Shawn to even pay attention to me.”

“Who?”

“Shawn, the new 9th grade English teacher.”

“I wasn’t ogling anyone.”

“You might want to wipe the drool off your chin before you say that,” Rob finally pipes in, laughing at my attempt to diffuse the situation.

“Oh, shut…”

“Can I have your attention please?” John Silas, our principal and all around professional ass, calls out, effectively cutting off my reply. “Welcome Back! I hope you enjoyed your summer and are ready for what I hope to be an exciting new year!” Whenever John speaks, he makes this annoying choking noise in the back of his throat. And he sweats. A lot. He’s got a permanent pit stains on his shirts. You also don’t want to stand too close to him. He spits.

“Before we dive into our data discussion from last years standardized tests, let’s introduce the newest members of our team! Eric, why don’t you start off for us?”

Eric stands up from, and turns so he’s facing the entire staff. His face turns beet red when he sees how many people are standing in front of him. His glasses slide down his nose, and he nervously pushes them back up. Nervousness oozes off of him. I sincerely hope he’s not like this in front of the kids, they will eat him alive.

“Um, yeah. Hi. I’m Eric Smith, I’m 22 years old, originally from Littleton, Colorado. I’ll be teaching 10th grade Math,” He rushes through his introduction, and sits down quickly. The Hispanic woman next to him stands up, and Rob sits up a little straighter in his seat.

“Hello, I’m Jessica Lopez. I’m 22, and originally from San Antonio. I just graduated from the University of Colorado last spring, so this is my first year teaching. I’ll be teaching 9th grade science.”

“Sweet, she’s in my department!” Rob whispers to me.

“Do. Not. Hit. On. Her.” Audra reaches across me and pokes him in the chest with each word.

“What!” he whispers back, innocently.

“Just don’t!”

I tune them out as Shawn stands up. I want to hear her speak. “Hello. I’m Shawn Byron. Originally from right here in Denver. I graduated from Colorado State University, and taught in Fort Collins for three years. I’m excited to be working here, and I will be teaching 9th grade English.” She waves and sits back in her seat. I hold in a moan. Her voice is rich and velvety, deep for a woman, and I’m sure I read somewhere that women with deeper voices have higher levels of testosterone in them than women with higher pitched voices. That’s gotta mean she likes sex right? I mean, I have testosterone, and I love sex, so I’m assuming she’s gotta like it at least a little bit? Even then, she has the voice of a phone-sex operator. Not that I am intimately familiar with what the voice of a phone sex operator would sound like, but her’s is how I imagine they would. I wonder if phone sex operators work naked? Great, now I am picturing her naked, and that’s not something you should be doing with someone you haven’t even met yet. It’s not something you should be doing with someone you are going to be working with. I’d rather not be picturing her naked, but I yearn to grab her hips, or butt, or boobs, really I just want to touch her. And kiss her while I touch her. I want my body and my mouth intimately familiar with her body. I am secure enough in my masculinity to admit that I am crushing hard on this new girl.  Not even “She who shall not be named” from college earned this type of crush, and I lost my virginity to her. No. This was the type of crush that would get Rob to make fun of me, and Audra to beat me with a stick.

This was going to be a very long year.

Shawn

            I sit on the chair looking out at my new coworkers, and I am so fucking tired. Lee was up all night. Or, at least it felt like all night. What is it about toddlers and their uncanny ability to sense when you desperately need sleep? But then, they don’t want to go to bed? He wanted to play “Pirates” and watch Little Einstein’s all night long. And when I said, “No,” he screamed. At the time, I felt like a bad mom, because I hate it when he screams, but I needed sleep. Now I want to break my television with a baseball bat, and bill Disney for my kids therapy bill when I tell him that the Little Einsteins died when Rocket crashed into the Orchestra Ocean. It was their last trip in their favorite rocket ship. I was not going to be a zombie on my first day at this school. I don’t even know I was able to form a coherent sentence while introducing myself.

           Then there is him, the red-headed Adonis who keeps staring at me. I hope I don’t have Jelly smeared on my dress. Less is going through a phase where all I can get him to eat is Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. I had to make him a PB & J or the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums would have erupted in my kitchen. I did not have the energy to deal with that this morning. I still don’t have the energy to deal with this. But with how this guy keeps looking at me, I am trying to sneakily check to make sure I don’t have any.

     While the rest of the teachers introduce themselves, I try to listen, and not yawn. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Red is still looking at me. I nonchalantly (or at least I hope it’s nonchalantly) look around the room, to get a better look at him. And maybe catch him in the act of staring. Rude. I look at him. He looks at me. He smiles, and winks. And shit. That boy has dimples. I am now a goner. I blush, and quickly look down at the table. The hot guy just looked at me. He just winked at me. At least I think he just winked at me. I’m at the front of the room, there is no one behind him. Unless he had something in his eye he was trying to get loose. I glance back up at him. And he has a shit eating grin on his face. The kind of grin boys always get when they know you are embarrassed, and they think it’s cute. Baby Daddy used to get that look on his face when we first started dating. If possible. I blush even more. I am acting like a fucking teenager. Just because I work at a fucking High School does not mean I have to act like I am a teenager.

I resolve to stop being a wimp, and woman-up! I lift my head, and stop looking at the table. I look at Red again, and smile when I see he is still looking at me with a huge grin plastered on his face. If he weren’t so fucking hot, that grin would look creepy. Ok, that grin is starting to look creepy. I give him the “Are you fucking kidding me glare” I use on my students when they are acting like shits, but can’t hid the small smile from creeping on my face. He is just too damn hot. He winks again (Again!) and finally looks away. I shake my head, and giggle to myself. I would not have thought it in me to flirt with a co-worker on my first day at school. And I don’t even know his name!

“Wonderful!” Principal Silas claps his hands together as the last teacher introduces himself. “Welcome! Why don’t we go ahead and get in our teams, so that we can start looking at our testing data.” As soon as he finishes, Audra is at my side.

“Shawn! Follow me, I’ll introduce you to the boys.” I like Audra. She’s got this no nonsense attitude about her that reminds me of my mom. She has been really helpful over the summer helping me get set up for this year. She even watched Lee for a few hours while I went house hunting. I have no idea how I deserved to earn her friendship so quickly, but I am definitely not complaining. She grabs my hand and pulls me toward Red’s table.

Shit! I am going to be working closely with him? I don’t know if I can handle that. My earlier flirtations seem a little misplaced now I know we are on the same team. I don’t know I would have done that otherwise. It’s one thing to flirt with someone you aren’t going to be working closely with every single day, it’s another thing to flirt with someone you’ll be forced to interact with daily.

“Rob, Jason, this is the new me, Shawn Byron. Shawn, Rob and Jason. Rob teaches Science, and Jason teaches Math. Where is Mark? Mark teaches History.” She says looking around the library for Mark.

“He is going to be late,” Rob (not Red)  says to her while reaching out his hand to shake mine, “I guess one of his kids fell down the stairs this morning and broke his wrist. It’s nice to meet you Shawn. Welcome to the team!” So, Red has a name: Jason.

“Thanks, nice to meet you too Rob,” I shake his hand, smiling. Red/Jason is looking at me, if possible the grin has gotten bigger.

“Hello, Shawn,” he says. Oh dear, lord. His voice is sexy and deep. I could listen to that voice all day. I might have done better in Math if I had that voice teaching me. He reaches out his hand to shake mine.  “Nice to meet you”

“Hello, Jason. You as well,” I shake his hand, proud of keeping my voice even, not showing the effect he is having on me. But I jump at the electricity that shoots up my arm. No, no, no. I am not going to get a crush on a coworker. Not happening. I am not 15 anymore. I cannot act like I was back then. I have a baby to think about, and I am not adding dating to the mix right now. My B.O.B. and I are going to be just fine.

“CSU, Huh? Me, too!” Jason says, letting go of my hand.

“Awesome! It’s great to meet a fellow RAM.” I smile at him, genuinely happy. I love my alma mater. I miss going to RAM sporting events, so it will be nice to have someone to talk to about it. Just talk. Nothing else. I am not getting involved. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

“I am going to go join my team,” Audra smiles at me, “Let me know if you need anything, or if you need help keeping these boys in line!”

           “I will! Thank you, Audra,” I pull her in for a hug. She has truly been my best friend since I’ve moved down here.

“So, tell us about yourself,” Rob says as Audra moves off to sit with the other 10th grade teachers. I pull my chair out and try to sit down as coolly as possible. These chair were not made for larger women...This size 18 butt is hanging off both sides of the chair. There is absolutely no way to look professional or like an adult when you can’t fit in the seats.

“Not much to tell. I have a two year old, so that pretty much takes up most of my time. I love to read, am obsessed with Harry Potter, and that’s about it.” If possible, Jason’s grin has gotten bigger. Your face is gonna get stuck like that. It’s kind of creepy. They both start laughing, and my eyes grow wider as I realize I said that out loud.

“Sorry,” Jason gasps, “I didn’t mean to get creepy. I love Harry Potter, too. This guy hasn’t read it, or watched any of the movies. So I got a little excited that there is someone on the team I can share my obsession with.”

I smile at him, “Oh, ok. I thought I had horns growing out of my head for a second there.”

He grins at me again, “No, no horns. But meeting someone who claims to be a Harry Potter fan is a pretty big event in my world.”

           “There is no claim. My son is named Lee Jordan Byron, after Lee Jordan, from the books. I wanted it to be meaningful to me, but not obvious to non-Potter fans.”

“That is amazing! I can’t wait to talk to you about this.”

“Oh, no. Now there are two of them,” Rob rolls his eyes at the two of us, just as Mr. Silas claps his hands at us again to get our attention. That is really going to get annoying.

We spend the next three hours (THREE!) going over testing data that makes no fucking sense to me. Though I try to pay attention, because obliviously these scores mean something to the administration, and I am going to be teaching these kids. But it’s so hard to concentrate with Jason sitting right next to me. I am not used to hot guys paying attention to me. The last time I got involved with a guy, he got me pregnant then dumped me for my best friend. Before that, I didn’t really date. I was a nerd in High School, my reading and obsession with Harry Potter was a deterrent to many people. Not that I didn’t have friends. I had my core group who loved me for who I was. But I was totally boy crazy, and embarrassed myself several times fawning over the super-hot jocks of my school, the ones who would never give me the time of day otherwise. I should have worn a bib with how often I was caught drooling over a football player during Science, or tripping over myself as I watched the basketball team walk by.

So, when Baby Daddy approached me, I probably jumped in too quickly. Before long, I was pregnant, and single. But Lee has given me a wake-up call. I want to be the kind of woman that he looks for when he starts dating (if I ever let him start dating). I want to be a confident independent woman, for my baby boy. And since Baby Daddy left me, I think I have grown more confident in myself. I know I can survive without a man helping me. Lee and I are doing just fine. I am not going to let this attraction to Jason derail all the progress I’ve made. I will be his friend, but that is it.

I’m distracted from my own thoughts, and the ramblings of Mr. Silas about percentage points to proficient when Jason slides a piece of paper over to me. I see he has written me a note.

Favorite book?

I grin.

This week, or ever?

I slide the paper back to him. Within seconds he slides it back to me. Are we kids again? I shake my head and read what he wrote.

Ever.

Well, besides Potter, I love Outlander  

Yes, I underlined the title of the book. I am an English teacher after all. I would have to quit on the spot if I didn’t underline the title of a book when talking about it. I slide the paper back to him, and go back to listening to Mr. Silas. I hear Jason scoff and furiously scribble something back on the note we are passing back and forth.

That weird time-traveling romance novel?

Yes the time-traveling romance novel. There is nothing wrong with it. You know, I haven’t passed notes since I was actually in high school.

 I just wasn’t expecting that one. And you’re right, there isn’t anything wrong with reading romance novels. I was just expecting a classic or something. And I haven’t written notes either, but I don’t have your number so I can’t text you. Otherwise I’d text you.

  Oh, he is good. Complimenting me, by being “shocked” I didn’t name a classical novel, and subtly asking for my number.

Well, I do love Wuthering Heights. I could read that one on a desert island for the rest of my life. And I don’t just give my number to anyone.

But I’m not just anyone. I’m your new best friend.

How do I know you’re not going to sell it on the black market or something?

You don’t. I guess you’ll just have to trust me.

I’ll think about it. It’s much more fun to pass notes right now. I’m getting nostalgic for those good ole days. Your turn. What’s your favorite book?

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. (I underlined it just for you)

Ha. Ha. That is a good book. Very funny. Though, I think I liked the movie better.

Gasp! I don’t know if I can be your friend anymore. You like the movie better than the book? What kind of reading teacher are you?

The kind who thinks Mos Def is hot, and that because Alan Rickman voiced Marvin it is automatically the best adaptation of a book to movie ever made. That includes Harry Potter.

You keep surprising me woman! I can accept your argument for Mos Def. He is a great actor, but better than the book! Nothing is better than the book!

How about we agree to disagree?

Nope! This is an argument I will not back down from! This is blasphemy coming from an English teacher.

I didn’t say every movie is better than the book. There are a couple exceptions.

Not a chance is there exceptions.

Agree to disagree.  :-D

Mr. Silas claps again, drawing my attention back to what I should be paying attention to. “Well, ladies and gents, let’s take a break for lunch. When we come back, you’ll be working in your teams to truly break down the data of the students you will be working with this year.” I groan internally.

“Do you want to join us for lunch?” Jason asks, folding our note and sliding it into his backpack.

“Yeah, that would be great,” I pack up my papers, and quickly follow the two of them out of the library.

   We walk to the parking lot, and make our way to his truck. He opens the door for me, and offers his hand to help me climb up into the front seat. “Thank you,” I say  as he closes the door behind him.

“Yeah, thank you for opening my door,” Rob says sarcastically, climbing into the back of the cab, “I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”

“Oh, shut up,” Jason responds, slamming his door behind him, “You can walk if you have a problem with me opening doors for women, like my mother taught me.”

“Yeah, your mother.” Rob rolls his eyes. “Shut up and drive, Masterson.”

“Where to? Anything you guys are in the mood for specifically?”

“Anything cheap and fast is fine with me,” I respond, “Subway or something like that.”

“Subway sounds good to me,” Rob chimes in from the back.

“Subway it is,” and he pulls out of the space and heads towards the street. “Ok, Shawn. What’s your story? You said you have a two year old, but you didn’t mention a husband or boyfriend.”

“Yeah, because that’s not at all subtle, Jason,’ Rob mutters. I laugh at him.

“I didn’t mention a boyfriend or husband, because there isn’t one. Just me and Lee,” I shrug, not ashamed of my single status.

“What idiot let you out of their lives?” Jason asks, and I think he’s honestly dumbfounded by the fact that Baby Daddy and I aren’t together.

“I really big one,” I say, “He made his choice. I didn’t want to be a part of it. No big deal, but I really don’t want to talk about him. I just met you, and this seems like to deep a conversation for the first day of work.”

“You are definitely right,” Rob scoots up so his head is poking between the front seat, “Let’s get down to the most important question you will ever be asked, and will determine how our working relationship will go from here on out: Who is your favorite football team? And you better not say you don’t like football, or I will force Jason to pull over and kick you out!” I throw my head back and laugh.

“There is only one team my friend,” I say, “I bleed blue and orange my friend. And if you like the Raiders, I will force Jason to pull over and kick you out!”

“That, right there,” Jason grins, “is my kind of girl! You are going to fit in just fine with us, Shawn. Just fine.”  He looks over to me, and smiles, before turning back to face the road. That smile makes my heart do a little flutter. How can that one look make me swoon? I wipe my sweaty palms on my skirt, trying to ignore the way my stomach flips when I look at him. This is going to be a long year.

Shawn

2012

“We are never, ever, ever getting back together.”-Taylor Swift

Dr. Dahl took the stethoscope out of her ears, and looked extremely concerned. That is not the look a pregnant lady wants to see from her doctor.

"I'm going to the hospital, aren't I?"

"Your blood pressure is still higher than I'm comfortable with, Shawn. I think it's best get this baby out of you, today."

"Alright. Let's do this," I rub my belly, nervously.

“You are going to be just fine, doodlebug,” My mom grabs my free hand after the Doctor removes the blood pressure cuff. “You are not going to do this alone.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to call Korey?” My dad asks gruffly

“No, Dad. I do not want to call him. He made his bed, and I am not going to lie in it with him.”

“Sweetie…” my mother starts quietly, but I cut her off immediately.

“No, Mom! He cheated! I don’t want him there. And if you keep asking me, that is just going to make me angrier than I already am that he put me in this situation.”

“I am just saying, it is his baby, too.”

“No, this is my baby. As far as I am concerned, he is just my sperm donor. I do not want him there!” I pull my hand out of my mom’s hand. I know she means well, but her blindness and willingness to forgive Korey when I am clearly not interested is really getting old. My parents just want me to be happy, and they don’t want me to have to raise this baby on my own, but I refuse to have anything to do with that man. And it is most assuredly his loss.

“Melissa, just drop it. The girl doesn’t want him involved,” Dad says to Mom effectively closing the subject. He looks at me, lovingly and smiles. I love my Dad. I always feel like he’s got my back. If only I could find a man like him. Not where I want my mind going right now. I have bigger issues to deal with right now, and finding a man is not at the top of that list.

“Let’s go have a baby!” I smile at my mom, grab her hand and walk out of the room with her.

“He is absolutely gorgeous,” mom coos to the baby in her arms. One C-section later, Lee Byron is in the world. “You are the most perfect baby ever born,” she sings to him, kissing his cheeks. I lie in the bed, watching my mom bond with her first grandbaby. I want to be happy, but I can’t help but feel sad that I am going to be doing this on my own. This wasn’t how I planned my life to be at this point. I always thought I would be married before I had a baby, and my husband would be an active part of our lives. It never crossed my mind I would be doing this on my own.

“Hey, kiddo. You did a great job, and you are going to be a great mom,” My dad wipes away the tears I didn’t know were falling down my face.

“Thanks, Daddy.” I smile weakly at him. He opens his mouth to say something, when there is a knock on the door. I look around him as the door opens and glare when Korey walks in with Chelsea close behind him carrying flowers and balloons.

“What are you doing here?” I growl at the two of them, then glare at my mom as she becomes more animated in her interactions with the baby.

“Your mom called me,” Chelsea says quietly.

“Well, thank you for stopping by, you can see yourself out.”

“Shawn!” My mom reprimands.

“No, mother! I told you I didn’t want him here. It is my right to decide who can and cannot see my baby.”

“But Shawn, it is his baby, too,” She says pleadingly.

“Melissa, she asked you not to interfere. I think it’s time we leave,” My dad frowns at my mom, and takes the baby from her to give back to me. Korey’s eyes follow my dad’s every movement, he has yet to say anything to me.

“Thank you dad, would you mind taking them with you? I’d rather not have to call security.”

“Of course, Doodlebug, ” he says, leaning down to kiss my forehead as he places the baby in my arms.

“Please, wait,” Korey says before Dad can usher him out. “Please, Shawn. Don’t do this.”

“Korey. You have no right to ask that of me. What did you expect, that you tell me you have been having an affair with my best friend, and I would just say, ‘OK, let’s still be a family’? I want nothing to do with you. You violated my trust, and I don’t want people I can’t trust around my son. So, for the last time, leave.” I am proud of myself for how sure I sound. The heartbreak I feel for losing the man I love, and my best friend is not in my voice.

“Can I at least hold him?” He is staring at the baby in my arms.

“No. Please leave, before I do call security.”

“I don’t know what to say to let you know how sorry I am, Shawn,” he finally looks at me, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“If you never meant to hurt me, you would not have gone behind my back to sleep with my best friend,” I snarl. “If you never meant to hurt me, you would have broken up with me before I got pregnant. If you never meant to hurt me, we would still be together. Those are just words, and your actions spoke louder than anything you could ever say to me. Now if you don’t get out of my room, I will get security in here so fast and tell them you are trying to steal my baby from me. I never want to see either of you again.”

“I’m sorry, Shawn!’

“GET OUT!” I finally lose my temper, and scream, startling the baby and making him cry.  I pull him closer to me, burying my head in his blanket to hide the fact that I am crying as I try to comfort him.

“Is there anything wrong?” a nurse pops her head into the room, looking at each of us sternly.

“No they were just leaving,” Dad says, dividing his glare between my mother and Korey. He grabs Mom’s hand, and kisses me again on the head. “We’ll swing by again tomorrow, Doodlebug.”

“Thank you, Daddy,” I whisper still holding the baby close, not looking at anyone as he leads everyone out of the room. I don’t raise my head until I hear the door close behind them.

I look around the room, relieved that I’m finally alone. I rock the baby, whose cries have turned into small sniffles. Kissing his head, I marvel at this little person I’ve created. Tears flow down my face, and I don’t know if it’s because I realize I am now a mom, or if it’s because I realize I really am going to be doing this on my own, and not just crap I’ve spouted off because I was angry. But I am determined to make this work. I don’t need a man to help me, and I definitely don’t need Korey.

“It’s just you and me, little man. Us against the world.” I whisper into his hair, breathing in that new baby smell. His only response is a sigh, as his eyes flutter closed, and he falls asleep.