I have read a few books since I was born. I have enjoyed several movies when I realized that I can enjoy them. I read history as well as culture of different nations, especially China where is my sweet home. I am fancinated with every prose of any chapter of any book, every slot of any movie I love to view. I cannot remember when I begin to read philosophy and enjoy those fantastic arts since I begin to pretend to be a man who knows a lot. But I can remember one thing, one day, I secretly tell myself "Poor young man, why not write a book for yourself. You know, one day, you won't be young any more. Jot down something that help you be proud of yourself."
Time always has the ability to slip things away. I am a practical that is a typical Chinese gene as a real Chinese. I am sure that the sound deep in my heart is correct. I know myself too much. I know I probably never do it if I did not do now. So, I begin writing. No matter whether this book has an end, I start and I hope this can help me get rid of the lonely darkness and find a slice of light on this sole journey.
27, 5, 2017
When shall we start? That is the question. I don't know others, but for myself, I found that it is an eternal question when to start. When you have an ambitious plan, when you make a decision to do something significant, when you cheer yourself up to keep the mundane life continue, you have made a pretty good start. But life is always not easy, here comes another headache: how shall we start?
Believe it or not, my primary school, middle school and high school are perfectly located at three points of a triangle within the distance on foot. That means I never left that area from 6 years old to 18 years old. I hate it but I love it. I hate it because I was like being granted to it. I love it because that is my motherland, and that is my golden memory. Today, if I turn back to think it over, I found I like to be settled in one place without changes. Maybe I am already old.
In 2013, I graduated from a local university in my hometown. I got double bachelors which are software engineering and literature respectivly. It seems like I got a bright future. I must say that is true if I keep living in my hometown. I found a job working as a junior programmer. Like the other graduates, I got up as early as 7 am, caught up with a public bus and pushed myself into it, spent 40 minutes on the way to my company or sometimes 2 hours due to traffic jam, and finally spend 8 hours on working, sometimes till midnight because of tense progress of projects. At last, went back home, eat, wash, did some sports, and sleep. Day after day, week after week , year after year, nothing changed. I always said that I can exactly tell how the life would be when I was 65. It is simple, just like yesterday. 4 years later, when I had a small talk with my friend who is from Columbia, he told me he doesn't like Chinese discipline. Yes ! We are so disciplined. Huge amount of people can bear the same day all through their life and it seems like they even don't notice it, or maybe just ignore it. Is that a tragic? If I asked myself this question before I came to Australia, the answer will definitely be yes! But now, I become weak, and I begin to doubt about that.
That is my past. There were not too many good stories about my past, but please be patient. There were something worthy of reminding and I love to remember them forever. I will demonstrate them later. Now, my dear guests, please pardon me, I have to go back to the reality.
I am back to my secret bin, the voice from the deepest universe continues murmuring to myself.
As said in last chapter, I graduated in 2013 and found a pretty good job. I worked hard, saved money and kept living. I do not know if anyone of you have an experience on dreaming for the future. I would like to talk about that because it affects my future a lot.
Back to my primary school, I dreamed of growing up and finding out a magic land to live there forever. Of course, take all people I like and my parents to go there with me together and live together happily forever. Forgive my childish bull shit, but that was exactly what I dreamed of when I was around 10 years old. Question is why a kid dreamed like that? Sometimes, I do an analysis by pretending I was God and looked at the past time of a kid through the thick mist of time. Yes! That is the kid over there. Study good, always got good mark in an exam, seems to have a promising future, everybody seems to like him, the only smart one of the fourth generation in his family. It seems like he is the center of his world. But, he is humble but not humble enough. He knows that he'd better keep his head down. However, sometimes he shows off without knowing that. Again, he will be regretful after those showing off when he realizes that. Such arrogant! Such innocent! What an interesting little boy. The root reason is quite obvious - he is not confident enough. Years later, this attitude is still along with me. I do my best to cope with it. Of course, it got better due to my effort but the personality is still there, flowing in my blood, probably will be accompanied with me to the end of the world.
When I entered the high school, my dream changed. I dreamed of graduation from high school and enter a reasonable university. That is all I have dreamed of at that time. Good, the young man is not ambitious. Is that a good quality? But it is only partially true, in a corner of my heart, I am still ambitious. I thought I was unique because I loved reading books, I loved listening to classical music, I loved history. All the greatest writers, musicians and the past leads me march on the road of time. I feel I am the chosen one to appreciate the whole meaning of the human beings. I told you I was ambitious a moment ago. In practical, I hoped going outside to enjoy the life. I wonder enjoying my youth even though without a detailed plan. It is hard to explain how a dreamer dreams nothing but a set of pieces of beautiful things. Just like a flower blossoming in spring, it does not know what to blossom for, but only know that it is eager to blossom. This kind of feeling is probably derived from the endless paper practices for preparation for GaoKao (Chinese SAT). I believe you must have heard about that, the only life for each Chinese student during that period of time is doing tons of math, physical, chemistry, English, history, geography, biology, etc. Everything is grey, depressed, hopeless because you have suffered a lot but there is no promise to your effort. There is always a smarter peer whose mark is higher than yours, which makes you feel totally helpless. What can I do? What can we do? The only thing we can do is keeping working hard. To survive, or to perish. But there are still sweet memory, under such a heavy pressure, there is love, which is the kind of tender, honey-sweet, shy love that only belongs to a teenager. I remembered she is a pretty girl, outstanding personality, rebellious and precocious. In sum, she is attractive to me. Unfortunately, I am too shy to tell her my feeling. That is a real tragedy. Remember the kid's confidence problem? That is it, won again. 8 years later, when I saw her again in New York, she changed a lot. She become more quiet, more mature. I must say she is not the girl in my memory, but is still attractive. I am fighting with the shy kid. But it seems like I will loose again. That will be another story. She is now enjoying a dessert in a chic restaurant in the largest city named New York. I am struggling for finals, worrying about bread and future in a continent called Australia. Remember that, my friends, Beauty and the Beast is a fairy story.
I am truly sorry, my dear guests. I got a final in the afternoon. I really don't want to leave this peaceful space, but I have to go back to that controversial world which is called Reality.