After a few years on break from poetry, something had me writing again.
This is a collection of what I've been doing since.
It's ordered from old to new.
He Refused to Eat*
He refused to eat and so she fed him.
Or at least she wanted to.
His worth was visible bright as a halo keeping close to the skin.
It was distracting, although it might've just been her who could see it.
It was really quite dim like his confidence and thin like how he aspired to be, but she had a trouble of sorts in that she fell in love with potential.
She lived for possibilities, more so than she appreciated the achievements she barely managed to haul down from her catch of the day.
She was inspired by opportunity, but feared to take one on.
She chanted encouragement and motivation as her gospel, but often found herself lacking the strength even to speak.
She wanted to feed him because he refused to eat.
She wanted so desperately something more, but as her hand flinched back upon every attempt she soon chose to settle for dreaming.
So she would dream but felt no need to reach, because somehow she'd gone to convince herself the dream was just enough.
A semblance, a lie of a happy ending that hung in her sky above her like a star she knew was there but knew she would never know, knew she would never really see in front of her simply because it was too far from what she knew to be home, to be safe.
It was set for admiration, but never for achievement.
That's who he was to her.
A dream, lost in the folds of the memories they shared as companions while she tried to justify her actions of sitting at the starting line of a marathon the competing runners had already stayed to the finish.
She didn't even know what to say to him.
Lord, she didn't even know what to call him anymore.
To her, he no longer had a name.
It had been lost in translation, gone like his appetite, dwindling like the numbers on the scale till it faded to unrest, similar to the state of his health.
But why couldn't they rest together?
She would scream until all the lightbulbs in her brain had burned out and she was thrown into a fitful sleep full of him: refusing life, refusing her, and refusing to change the lightbulb. He would linger at the edges of her mind and threaten to cliff dive spinning into nothing away from the comfort she always wanted to give but never found herself able.
He was never hers to begin, yet still he was the knife to her throat that made her fall to her knees, hands to the sky, to renounce the sins she was proud of committing as he, ever still, starved himself into oblivion.
She didn't fully understand it herself, but it was tallied in chalk on her wall of possibilities that of all the world she held in the highest regard.
With all those possibilities laid out end to end, begging any to be chosen, she falters and turns her head from the gravity of a decision.
No matter what she wanted.
She thought as much, but she did nothing.
It was because of her inability to take action that he was rendered unable.
When they say that she fed him, they mean she helped feed the fire that purged him of his heresy.
She fed him empty words meant to help but seldom changed a mind once made,
And she knew it! She did! But she thought it'd hold worth to try anyway, for him.
He used to whisper to her in languages she didn't know as they lay side by side under the stars and while she liked to think he could translate her heartbeat, she spoke so little of it aloud he was never able to pick up the vocabulary.
Their only communication was through broken glances and half smiles and uncertain laughter, and looking back at what she could have said it was no wonder she wasn't able to save his life.
He had been a falling star upon which she hesitated with her wish,
But the time passed
And so did the possibilities.
*published in TWU's honors journal Off the Quill 2015
"You need to write what you think"
You need to write what you think
because nobody else here will write it for you,
and it needs to be seen or heard or something—
scream it from balconies—
because it matters
and so do you.
Prove it to yourself
in the words I bother you to write;
everyone has the potential to be a writer
you have the stomach for it
so cough up those last bits of doubt
and write something
before I slam the door in your face and stop my expectations,
for I can only try so hard on reluctance
and though I’d never give up on wanting you to,
I might just give up on you.
Her Words Fell Short
"She could always picture herself there"
"I named my bank password after you"
"I have watched a man fall apart"
"She hadn't said a word since that day"
"Right eye day"
"Okay one moment"
Birds and Eyes and Expectations and Lies
Reasons They Say I'm a Bird
An Impatient Wannabe Princess
"High hopes and buckled knees"
"Jasmine rice and Jasmine tea"
"I've been taking my tea without honey"
"I'm learning to teach you English"
"I took your hand"
A Sense of Reason
Monday, February 9th, 2015
DNCE 2143.91 2/10/15
"This is my week of redemption"
A Letter from the Central Timezone
2(2 x 12)*
Waiting for Cambodia
The Upside of 2/12/15
The Downside of 2/12/15
I Don't Understand Politics
High School English
"Things that are blue"
"What is food to you will poison me" (1/47)
"Yesterday was Ash Wednesday (2/47)
"I'm sorry I don't have the energy now" (3/47)
"I don't want you singing to me anymore" (4/47)
"What is comfort" (5/47)
"My mind is a tempest" (6/47)
Waking Up My Roommate (7/47)*
"Hello my name is Autumn" (8/47)
"I once knew a song" (9/47)
"maybe you should be more kind" (10/47)
San Francisco (12/47)
Sunday Nights Before School
"Days go too slow now"
3/2/15 Rehearsal (13/47)
3/3/15 Concert (14/47)
"i need to forget what you think of me" (15/47)
I am the writer who forgets to write
"Today I am important" (16/47)
"take to the skies" (17/47)
His Daughter (18/47)
"take my hand" (19/47)
"I'd nearly throw my back to save you" (20/47)
"If I could find everything I lost" (23/47)
"Your heart is a little too loud for me" (25/47)
"I have a sweater I bought while thinking of you" (26/47)
Spotting Differences (27/47)
"Hello luck" (30/47)
Chapter 14 of Abnormal Psychology
"She recited medical terminology to calm herself down"
"There's a peculiar shaking that only starts around midnight" (32/47)
Shades of Blue (33/47)
National Puppy Day (34/47)
"dead trees and rivers are like blood vessels" (35/47)
"Her teeth were like a shark's" (36/47)
"My shoulder blades are wings" (38/47)
"Stop staring" (39/47)
The Master of His Fate (42/47)
"Exit strategies" (43/47)
"I know the time has passed for such things" (44/47)
"I dreamed you loved me" (45/47)
"I prefer opals to diamonds" (46/47)
"I'm throwing plates out of windows" (47/47)
Falling in Love with Travel Companions
"I think I've given up on being extraordinary"
"I will only ever be a pretender"
"I'll pound on my chest to check on my heart but"
"She either spoke for days or not at all"
"Kings without crowns"
Little Alley Cat
"You were the tea sipped too earnestly in anticipation"
White Picket Fence
"I am the river"
"I'd like to stand atop the Golden Gate Bridge"
"Mal de mer is seasickness"
"A rosary for you"
Fall off my Wrist
Learning by Observation
"Dots on a map of places I've been"
"Swinging in a hammock"
"I'm falling asleep to the sound of ocean and"
"I'm the one who watches from windows"
"I'm working on empty and that fly better get out of my face"
"birds in the bathroom"
I am content
For Taylor Strei
For Taylor King
"We'd run across the world"
"Phases of the moon"
"It's a delight to hear you say my"
So I got a tattoo
"Come to Cambodia with me and"
"The danger isn't in traveling, but"
Lamentation for the Travelsick (because they're home)
"I'm used to hearing your voices and"
Falling in Love with Travel Companions pt2
"I always have orange juice for takeoff"
The Sea (in two parts)
She Refused to Eat
"a mouth is a messenger"
"i once lay your head"
"for almost a minute there I thought"
Summer on a Wednesday
A Letter to One of My Forgotten Selves
Repetition Isn't the Greatest Memory Strategy
The Good Prince
"Like cold toes on tile floors"
Shadows and Legacies, Escapism and Men*
When Tall Boys Turn Into Champagne
Need some help? (8/27/15)
Safe and Tart
"All I see is ocean"
This Was Supposed to be Subjective
"I'd rather have a drink than a man"
A Brief Detour into Insanity
"fogged and perfect"
You Can Stay Golden if You Don't Treat Me like I'm Silver
I Need to Think of My Family
"It's not safe at home anymore"
"it's very likely you'd lose me to the sea"
"Ash has fallen"
Drunk Texting Myself
The Department of Student Life
"I really miss your voice"
The Lightbulb Conspiracy
"I'm upside down in a tree on Mars"
"I'd like to write a book about the way your arms move"
"my mom doesn't care which mug she picks"
On Varsha's Dresser
"Plaid shirts, yeah?"
"In vino veritas"
Zoloft and Prozac
"why don't you punch me back to the nibelungs"
Flights are not Forever
"throwing snowballs off the roof"
It's the Place: Sightseeing is the Side Effect
I believe in looking out of windows
The Black Box in Liechtenstein
"a lion in a wall"
The Darkside of Mt. Rigi
"the moneychangers and the man who cleans pennies"
"lips plump for kissing"
Things I don't necessarily believe anymore
"Carry me to my car"
Your eyes, your back
"I wish you'd come to me"
Once when once autocorrected to wants
you (pl) and/or the left hand
They Had Matching Beach Ball Tattoos
I and my father are one
"set on the whalepath"
"Who do you think I am?"
"You love her"
3:45am 4/20/16 Lone Star
Nine Months Old
"did you know that we were underwater"
"what is it about monsters that make them invisible?"
UA869 and Champagne
Supercat: Cebu to Ormoc
In the Room of the Santo Niño
Oversized Bedroom Speakers
Ocean Pearl pt2
Pier in the Dark
we are the leaning trees
"I shoved a screwdriver into a"
Picture of the Sea
"You should respect the dead"
Making Corned Beef out of Sardines
"I am the high tide"
I Imagine a Spider
The Atmosphere is a Wedding Cake
Drunk on a Plane
Drunk on a Plane pt2
Let's Call it the Afterlife
Fucked up Polaroid Picture #2
"The tectonic plates shifted and"
In Flux [IR]
Pink Bathwater 2:27
Hot Chocolate, Grapes, & Fentanyl
"she is not an organ donor"
"I could be cast in a disaster move if the"
"write a dissertation relating teeth to mental health"