Pushing Past the Barriers


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-6 months ago-

It's been 6 hours since the accident.

3 weeks since me and you did what we did.

3 days since it all started.

And 7 hours since I last saw you.

Pacing around the hospital, asking every nurse if anything changed, if you're okay, and praying. praying for a miracle. For you to wake up. For me to be able to hear you talk again, to hear your beautiful laugh, to listen to you complain about how much I eat or how much you hate our Saturday hang outs at the diner but I knew you love them more than I ever will but would never admit it.

I was the first person the hospital called to tell about the accident, because I was listed as your emergency caller, me? Out of everyone else? Why did you always have to put me first? I was also the last person you called, the last person you saw and spoke it.

"Where is he? What happened? What did you do?" Taylor burst into the waiting room, followed by Celine, Max, and Maggie, and started shaking me for answers. But all I could do was sob unable to get one letter out of my mouth.

"Let her go Tay." Maggie got him off me as Celine opened her arms wide and held me tight as I cried uncontrollably.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen, you were supposed to get home safely, I'd text you the next day and we'd pretend that it didn't all happen, that I didn't ruin it all when I kissed you, and we'd laugh about losing our virginities to each other. I don't want to cry every time anyone asked me about how I lost it because I don't want to remember losing you with it. I don't want to lose you.

When is Ashton Kutcher going to enter the waiting room and tell me that this is all is a prank and that I have been punk'd. When am I going to wake up from this awful nightmare to find you sleeping peacefully by my side. C'mon please wake up and tell me that this is all a big joke or a misunderstanding.

I would do anything to turn back time, to have you here making jokes about Maggie's wardrobe or Celine's crush on Taylor or Max's gym addiction or Taylor's vanity. To have this entire situation erased. To have you here sitting with us alive and doing okay.

Who's going to entertain me in Math class when I'm bored out of my mind? Who's going to share their peanut butter and Nutella sandwich with me? Who's going to do karaoke Wednesday with me at Amy's? Who's going to drive my drunk ass home after a crazy party? Who's going to skinny dip with me at 3 AM in the morning? Who's going to watch show marathons with me?Who's going to be my best friend?

Why did you have to be stupid and fall for me? Why? You had Chloe wrapped around your fingers, who wouldn't want to take Chloe home to meet their parents? She was the perfect example of a girlfriend. Why'd you have to pick me over her? What did I have that she couldn't possibly have? She wouldn't have ignored your feelings towards her and sleep with you. She wouldn't have ruined what you had with her. But I did. I ruined us. I am the reason you ended up here. I am the reason you are not going to be able to eat your mom's famous lasagna anymore, or bond with your dad over football, or have guys night out with Max and Taylor, I am the reason you might die.

I should have never kissed you that night at Maggie's beach house, I should have never told you that I wanted my first time to be with you, I should have never done it all, but I wanted to, I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to sleep with you, I wanted to lose it all to you because I thought I would never lose you that way, that you'll always be there. I was so selfish thinking that this was the only way to keep you with me. I was so selfish ignoring what you wanted and focusing on what I wanted. I was so selfish when I told you about my feelings towards Taylor and laughing when you got mad. I was so selfish that I didn't even notice you and didn't fall for you the way you noticed and fell for me. I was so selfish and afraid, afraid of losing you like my mom lost my dad, afraid to fall apart like she did, she had me to help pick up the pieces my dad broke. Here I am shattered in pieces like a glass vase, expect only difference is my mom and dad could mend things but you- you might not even live another day. Who will I have help get me back up on my feet if you die?

I put you through so much pain in those 3 weeks, and gave you false hope in our years of friendship, false hope that I might fall for you. I wish I did, if anything, I wish I could go back in time and fall for you instead. Have you break my heart, and have me be in your position right now. But again you don't deserve going through the pain I'm going through right now but I do, I deserve it all. However, I don't deserve you. Cause I don't deserve someone as amazing as you. you deserve someone way better, someone who would have appreciated you, loved you, and cared for you. Not someone who would fall for your best friend and lead you on. Not someone who had put you through so much pain and agony.

I deserve the pain I'm going through right now, I deserve worse but you, Sam, don't deserve this, you don't deserve to die, you deserve to live and to fall in love with someone who loves you back, get married, and have a family. You deserve to be happy.

I remember the first time we met, we were both six, I saw you from across the playground and noticed your beautiful blue eyes and I just had to tell you how beautiful they were, and I did. You laughed and told me that our eyes are the same color and are both beautiful. You were six, yet you saw and treated everyone equally. you understood the world more than everyone else. And you helped me understand it. You helped me through it too. How am I going to continue with you?

I was fifteen when my dad told my mom he wanted to divorce. I was also fifteen the first time I ever snuck out of the house to go to your house and cry. I remember asking you if two people knew they were in love why'd they have to do all it takes to leave each other. You told me that sometimes life gets in the way and that they'll manage to find their way back to each other. Almost two year later my dad got married again and got his new wife pregnant. I don't want my parents to be an example of what is going on with us, I want you to come back to me, I want us to find our way back to each other, don't turn your back on me and leave.

At sixteen, you punched Nathan, my ex-boyfriend, for dumping in front of the entire school and telling everyone that he cheated on me with Jessie. You got suspended for it. So we decided make it our mission to prank him every now and than. Remember when we filled his new car with whipped cream? The look on his face, priceless. Who am going to remember these memories with?

I'd much rather have you mad at me and never speaking to me again than here in surgery with slim chances of survival.

Your little sister, Casey, is confused and doesn't know what is going on, this going to be a hard thing to explain to her. they talked to your older brother, Philip, and he took the first flight to San Diego. I can't look your family in the eye. I can't look Taylor in the eye. I can't even look at myself without being disgusted. I put you through this. I talked to Taylor a couple of minutes ago and to say he's furious is the least, he said that what I did was horrible, that he'd never forgive me for it. I wouldn't forgive me either. At least he doesn't know the full story, if he did he'd think so low of me. He should, because I do. And I know you probably do too.

How am I going to survive senior year without you? We were supposed to graduate together. To go to the same university. To find our significant other and get married. Our kids were supposed to have play dates. We were going to were going to get drunk and embarrass them and ourselves at family reunions. We were supposed to grow old together.

Who's going to take me homecoming? Or prom? I still remember the day I made you promise me to be my date for homecoming and prom. You also promised to always be there for me. Where are you now?

Who's going to love me and understand me the way you did? You always had your way with words and with people. You were always there for everyone who needed help, always. And you had time for everyone. Everyone loved you. You also made sure that you knew everyone's name. You forgave easily. God, You were so bright, full of life and happiness. And just so young.

Why did I have to be so selfish and stubborn? Why couldn't our last moments together be happy ones? Why didn't I yell at you to stay? Why didn't I take your keys and hid them until we made up? So many why's and not enough time to answer them all. I wish I could've explained instead of yelled. I wish I could've followed you instead of cursed you out as you walked away. I wish we could have another chance to make it all right again.

The doctor finally got out of surgery, they asked to speak to the family members first, I told them I'm your cousin, I couldn't wait any longer. The words I never thought I'd hear but prepared myself to hear came out of the doctors mouth,

"I'm sorry! We did everything we could"

That's when I lost it all, my sanity, my happiness, my best friend, my Sam. Everything that held me together was lost with you. 

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