The stunning fear I felt for her sank deep beneath my stomach. Her long cherry red hair fell to the ground as she took her last breath. The deep stare she held me in, it had me terror-stuck. The thought of me not seeing her warm chest rise and fall each day made me weak in the knees. A part of me said that watching this finally happen was a miracle and that I had finally concurred her tragically powerful yet beautiful and sweet soul. The other halve was crying, breaking and turning to ash all at once.
The tragic tale of us; the villain and the heroine trapped together in unrequited love. The infamous cliché, never written or told to little princesses by their guardians in fear that they would become the heroine with the love for a villain or vice versa. The fear of their children not being like them disgusted them in a humorous way, uncomfortably laughing at the thought of it.
My hands trembled as I stood still on the sidewalk, watching her fall. Civilians ran from her and me, not caring if a girl had just been shot dead in front of them but only caring about their selves. The gun I held dropped to the hard ground as I felt strong hands grab my arms and pinning them back behind my back. I didn’t struggle, instead I laid limp in their arms and allowed them to drag me into the police car.
I’ve thought about all of the jail cells and court rooms I was yet to face after this. I thought about how her body would be in a morgue and how it would be cold and lifeless in someone else’s arms. I regretted it now; but I felt numb like I had no more emotions, as if they died with her then would soon be buried six feet into the ground with her.
The tragic tale of the villain and the heroine had just now taken a twist, no mutual love, no connection, no happiness and now, no life.
She's In Love With a Psycho
Journal entry 1
Today I’ve realized that I am a terrible person.
I reject everyone who loves me.
I found out that my best friend, Kasandra, was in love with me. She told me straight to my face and I rejected her in the worst possible way.
Being the type of person who takes everything as a joke, I told her to “dump all of her feelings for me in the trash” and then laughed.
I thought it was funny at first and I had thought that I had let her down easy, but her face fell and her eyes started to tear up. My heart sank to the soles of my shoes when I realized I had just crushed her.
She gazed up at me with a painful glare and asked, “Do you really mean that?”
This was the first time anyone had ever ‘ask me out’ or showed any attraction in me before, I had no idea what to do so I just said, “Yes, were just friends.”
Then she told me she had to go and stood up from the park bench and speed walked away.
I can’t write down the emotions that were running though my head when that happened and I hope I won’t ever feel that way again.
It’s now been at least four months since that happened, and she’s forgiven me.
She seems so happy now and I can’t bear it.
Her eyes are bright once again, she’s smiling.
She’s been talking to me again too, but she can’t seem to look me in the eye.
I miss her more now than ever.
It pains me that I’ve said no.
That I made her feel as if I didn’t want her.
Like she was nothing to me.
I can’t latch onto the fact that she’ll be happy with some other boy and that he’ll love her more than I can.
I hate that I bottle up all of my feelings and never let them pour out. I’ll never give an ounce of my love to another.
I can’t bear cheesy love and that’s what she wants me to give her; I can’t do that.
I can’t make her feel wanted anymore.
And it hurts like Hell.
Calum's Leaving And I'm Alone
Journal entry 5
Today I learned that one of my friends is leaving to a different school.
Calum is his name.
We aren’t really close but we both hang out together with the other boys.
I didn’t really care at first because he was just another person that I would forget in no time,
Then It hit me.
Sooner or later all of my friends would leave, and I would have to make all new friends.
I don’t really want that.
My friends are good to me.
They give good advice to me; they’re just generally nice people.
Yes, I know I annoy them . . . a lot.
I’m the loud douche bag in the back of the class who shouts “internet slang” at the teacher and everyone either laughs or sighs in annoyance. It’s a constant circle.
Today I’ve discovered that I am sad inside.
No, not depressed just sad.
It’s like I feel like there is a blanket constantly over my brain.
This blanket is guarding my thoughts from spilling out into the world.
But it’s also keeping me warm and making me feel secure.
But it’s preventing me from breathing, like a fish net being pulled out of the water; I am the fish.
I am a helpless flopping fish being taken out of the ocean and dipped back in, teasing me.
I’m struggling for water but all I am getting is air.
My gills are closing up and I feel pain.
But I’m dipped back in and I feel ok.
I want to feel ok all the time,
I want to feel ok.