The stunning fear I felt for her sank deep beneath my stomach. Her long cherry red hair fell to the ground as she took her last breath. The deep stare she held me in, it had me terror-stuck. The thought of me not seeing her warm chest rise and fall each day made me weak in the knees. A part of me said that watching this finally happen was a miracle and that I had finally concurred her tragically powerful yet beautiful and sweet soul. The other halve was crying, breaking and turning to ash all at once.
The tragic tale of us; the villain and the heroine trapped together in unrequited love. The infamous cliché, never written or told to little princesses by their guardians in fear that they would become the heroine with the love for a villain or vice versa. The fear of their children not being like them disgusted them in a humorous way, uncomfortably laughing at the thought of it.
My hands trembled as I stood still on the sidewalk, watching her fall. Civilians ran from her and me, not caring if a girl had just been shot dead in front of them but only caring about their selves. The gun I held dropped to the hard ground as I felt strong hands grab my arms and pinning them back behind my back. I didn’t struggle, instead I laid limp in their arms and allowed them to drag me into the police car.
I’ve thought about all of the jail cells and court rooms I was yet to face after this. I thought about how her body would be in a morgue and how it would be cold and lifeless in someone else’s arms. I regretted it now; but I felt numb like I had no more emotions, as if they died with her then would soon be buried six feet into the ground with her.
The tragic tale of the villain and the heroine had just now taken a twist, no mutual love, no connection, no happiness and now, no life.
Journal entry 1
Today I’ve realized that I am a terrible person.
I reject everyone who loves me.
I found out that my best friend, Kasandra, was in love with me. She told me straight to my face and I rejected her in the worst possible way.
Being the type of person who takes everything as a joke, I told her to “dump all of her feelings for me in the trash” and then laughed.
I thought it was funny at first and I had thought that I had let her down easy, but her face fell and her eyes started to tear up. My heart sank to the soles of my shoes when I realized I had just crushed her.
She gazed up at me with a painful glare and asked, “Do you really mean that?”
This was the first time anyone had ever ‘ask me out’ or showed any attraction in me before, I had no idea what to do so I just said, “Yes, were just friends.”
Then she told me she had to go and stood up from the park bench and speed walked away.
I can’t write down the emotions that were running though my head when that happened and I hope I won’t ever feel that way again.
It’s now been at least four months since that happened, and she’s forgiven me.
She seems so happy now and I can’t bear it.
Her eyes are bright once again, she’s smiling.
She’s been talking to me again too, but she can’t seem to look me in the eye.
I miss her more now than ever.
It pains me that I’ve said no.
That I made her feel as if I didn’t want her.
Like she was nothing to me.
I can’t latch onto the fact that she’ll be happy with some other boy and that he’ll love her more than I can.
I hate that I bottle up all of my feelings and never let them pour out. I’ll never give an ounce of my love to another.
I can’t bear cheesy love and that’s what she wants me to give her; I can’t do that.
I can’t make her feel wanted anymore.
And it hurts like Hell.
Journal Entry 2
She brought it up again.
It’s like she wants me to know that I’ve hurt her in some type of way.
“I’m glad you said no, I know more things now.” She said
I looked at her in confusion and asked, “What things.”
She smiled and looked around, as if she was annoyed by talking to me.
“Just things, it’s ok you don’t need to know.”
“Then why would you bring it up?” I questioned with a confused look on my face.
Her face crumpled. Her nose scrunched up and she scowled at me.
“Why are you even talking to me? Like, why do you want to be friends anyways? Do you just feel bad for me or something?”
I looked at her like she was crazy, just the other day she was hugging me after I confronted her and told her I was sorry and that I still wanted to be friends; why was she so mad?
She started to storm off down the side walk. I could feel the cold icy trail she was leaving behind for me. I didn’t stop her, I let her go. I acted like I didn’t care and added, yet another, sad, breaking emotion to the dark pits of my head. I bottled it up and now it would never come out again.
I felt my eyes droop slightly as I started to walk home. I shoved my head phones in my ears and blocked out everyone. I wish I could block out myself sometimes, maybe I would make better choices. I could block out the idiotic voice in my head and think clearly for once. Maybe in the future they’ll have, like, drugs that clear your mind. . . Wait, I think that’s what weed is for.