To the people I've wronged,
      the ones I've disappointed,
      those I've angered,
      them I caused grief.

To the people whom I've given joy,
      the ones I teased,
      those who laughed along,
      them I've cried with.

To you I cried for.
To you whom I've left behind.

To you who lifted me up.

A compilation of my  best victories, the good days, the fuck-ups, the worst storms, the crowd, the memories, the sun, the moon, the stars, my dreams, my fears, the valleys and mountains, the roads, the rain, the heat, skin and hues and lips and mind and sound and touch and jumbled words.

I am no poet. I am no good in letting emotions out and spinning them into riveting phrases. More like, I dump everything and hope it ends up understandable.

But this is me. This is me developing. Growing.
This compilation is a symbol of progress. This is how I changed, why I changed, the way I am still changing. Most of these are just jumbled thoughts - no coherency whatsoever, written at my worst. Sadly, it is eerily similar to those written at my best.

If I let it linger a moment more
        back then
Would you have chosen me?

If I had let you make a treasure map 
        of my neck
Mark with red and kisses of possession
Would you have stayed with me?

Would you have lain beside me
    the nights the cold sent me in too early?

Would you have cared where I am
    the way my eyes constantly seek your form?

Would you have continued to caress 
    my heartstrings
    the way you teased my skin

Back then
Back then

But love,
I could only speak of the past,
    because I did not give you my body
    nor did it seem the you have seen my heart
    which was in your hands

Or was it just that you did not care?

Doubt.

I did not know
Back then
That you could gaze like you do now
That you could love someone like you do now

Regret.

Back then
Back then

But now,
I try never to meet your eyes
    across the room
Never to say something
    that reminds me of you
Never to speak about her
    - that new found love that could have been me

Ashamed.

If only

Would you have loved me
    like you love her
If I gave you my body to devour?

Curiosity.

Back then
Back then

But I,
I gave up the chance
    I know will never come again
Because I had it
    and let it go back then.

They said I was right
    your desires are wrong
That it was lust
    just lust, you feel
 

Back then
Back then

But now,
I think even love
    has to start somewhere
Maybe you
    would have given yourself
If I just
    gave you me
 

Maybe not right then  
    but eventually
You would have
    looked at me
With love in your eyes   
    like you look at her now

Should I have compromised?
Do I deserve the jealousy?
Should I accept the pain?

Was I wrong
    back then?