I remember when I first encountered depression.

I was in high school. I was young, naive, and even more reluctant to show another crying face in front of my friends, and classmates. When I came home, I just greeted mom, and everyone else in the house. Like nothing ever happened, at all. But I knew, the minute I laid down in bed, and started remembering the tune of Aoi Tada's "Brave Song". I knew from that moment, that I had some sort of eternal sadness that even, to this day, gives me a pain internal forevermore. Especially, whenever I remember the bad stuff in my life.

I once asked mom if she knew a psychiatrist, and she'd always asked why would I need one in the first place. It's simple, ain't it? I just need someone to talk to, someone to tell all my problems with my sadness, so that no one would think that I'm like this. But, in the end, nothing. No "guy talks to a psychiatrist" trope. In the end, I just try to soldier on. Even if it's so damn hard, I can't even try---. Just a few know about my depression, just a few. Sad, ain't it?

Now I got a playlist called "Infinite Sadness", I get depressed whenever I look back on old pictures of mine, I sink into personal sadness whenever I don't talk to anyone, and right now I just listened to Bob Dylan, Ed Sheeran, blink-182, etcetera, etcetera. In the end, it's the loneliness that I have to deal with sometimes that serves as a prelude to my silent depression. 

This can serve as a silent journal of mine. I'll just write what I can remember, the things that make me sad. And soldier on if need be...

[inserting quote now]

And when you leave—and everyone always leaves—I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.

-Tony Curran as Vincent van Gogh, Vincent and the Doctor, 

Hello there.

I must say, that I truly apologize for not writing in a while. I'm working on something. And I'm hoping it works too. I've been really into the business of writing.

There's something I'd like to put here, just in case I don't update this story as much.

"I must keep a sad, and "tearful" mindset when writing this... "

So, without further adieu;

I am listening to a hopeful, and tearful song. It's a Japanese song. Despite my limited knowledge of the language, I am one with the tone, the lyrics, and the memorable sense of it. As I listen to the song, I remember all those times where I fall, but get up again. I remember when I was in Kuwait, in an evangelical school, where I brought a Pokemon bag that did not fare well with the mindsets of my classmates at that time. I remember when I first came to the Philippines, I felt a fear of not finding a similar soul, and the sense of leaving a home that I've known for so long. I remember hurting someone, in college, and all the times I wish I could take it back. I remember, seeing a perfect night sky full of stars, and the feeling of complete peace.

I remember feeling alone. A feeling that never leaves. All the time.

We all look up to the sky, day or night, sometimes. Looking at a star, and endlessly hoping... 

"If you were a flower, among the many around 
I would find you every time 
Because of that I choose you 
Only for me, sing that song 
And to only you will I listen for that song"

-Bump of Chicken, "Hana no Na"

I'm sorry if it has been a while.

And a lot can happen in a short, or long amount of time.

Today, I may have put a strain in one my friends' trust. And now, I feel so low, that I don't know what the future will bring. 

I feel so terrible. I feel lost. More than, even.

Maybe, it is just my feelings. Or maybe, I just overthought everything else.

But what does a person do, when their friend tells them, "don't come to us for advice anymore"? Or, "we're bros, kinda now".

Sometimes, it's the words that hurt the most.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Now my apologies, are just distant echoes, in this life.

"Everyone weeps, and no-one plays the World's Smallest Violin."

-Tear Jerker, V Tropes