Can't You Stay

 

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him //

        The guy who implanted smiles on others’ faces couldn’t implant one on his. The guy who healed others pain couldn’t heal his own. The guy who cried for others couldn’t cry for himself.
 
        Have you ever made a wish on a dandelion? I did. It was during sophomore year when my best-friend was rushed to the emergency room. He was found in his bathroom in a puddle of blood. Toby was the light of my world. He never failed to make anyone smile. So tell me why. Why did such a happy boy suicide? 
 
        Tell me why you couldn't stay here with me? 

 

 

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a tint of red //

            I pressed the rose petal hard against my palms. The sensation of wetness causes me to cringe. Toby’s favorite flower was roses. He had this obsession of smashing the petals against his palms every since we were in kindergarten. One day, I finally asked him why he liked doing that.

            “Camilia, do you really want to know,” he asked and raised his eyebrows. I responded back with a slight nod. “I like the sensation of crushed petals,” he said and patted the torn petal onto my arm. I observed the worn out petal that was mercilessly compressed in two pairs of skinny hands. After observing for a few minutes, I reached out my hand and smoothed out what was left of the petal. When I turned my head back to Toby, I noticed how confused he looked. ‘Maybe I did something wrong,’ I thought.

            “Do you think that would fix it,” Toby asked me and frowned.  

            “Well, no,” I responded back and avoided his questioning eyes. Toby had always loved to ask me questions which I never knew the answers to. His seriousness toward me ‘fixing’ the petal made me scared. I was scared that Toby was mad. After a moment of silence, Toby burst out laughing.

            “I’m just kidding Carmel,” Toby said while patting me on my back. At the sound of my nickname being called I looked up and flashed him a smile. Of course Toby wasn’t mad at me. Of course not.

            “Look Carmel,” Toby said and placed his palms on my thighs. There was a tint of red on his palms and under his fingernails. I looked at the petal with awe. How can such a petal make such a beautiful color? It looked so natural. Suddenly, I felt Toby’s hand on my left ear.

            “When I smash the petals against my palms, it feels as if the color of red imprints onto me,” Toby whispered into my ear. I turned to face Toby and saw that he had his finger pressed against his lips. Oh, this is a secret.

            “But Toby, why do you want red to imprint on you,” I asked him quietly, eyeing the body of students walking in front of us. 

            “The tint of red marks on me love,” he said and smiled at me. I thought about what Toby said. Never did I really understand his reply or his obsession with pressing roses. Although, I did not understand Toby’s response, it had become a habit of ours. Well, scratch that. It was a habit of ours.

           I continued to roll the petals around in my hand. ‘A tint of red,’ I mutter to myself. I stared with open eyes when I remember what Toby said. He said that the shade of red marked on him love. Tears starts to drip down from my face and onto the petals. Taking my finger, I soften the petal. ‘Do you think that would fix the petal?’ My eyes then starts to sting. If only I can fix the petal. If only I can fix you. Taking the petal in my hand, I rub the petal against the surface of my skin carefully. Hoping that the petal would imprints the color of red in me. Hoping that I could feel the love Toby told me about. Hoping I could feel the love Toby once made me feel. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fix him. Nor can I fix this petal. 

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n o a h - f r e e m a n //

x            

        While watching the rain drops fall and then collect themselves on Mr. Wood’s window, I busy myself with tapping my fingers on my thighs. I absolutely hate rainy days. On the other hand, Toby absolutely adored rainy days. He had this tendency to run out in the rain without an umbrella and stand in the middle of the rain until he was soaked. Once when Toby was thirteen he had an extremely high fever after standing in the rain for over an hour. When scolded by his dad and asked why he stood in the rain Toby responded with: “It can hide under the rain.” I stood there shaking in my wet overalls watching his dad glare at Toby asking him repeatedly what was “it.” His red flustered face caused chills to run down my spine. Toby stood there unaffected by his dad’s scolding and after a moment of silence he took my hand and pulled me outside with him. I could never truly understand why he foolishly stood in the rain for an hour or why he loved rain so much. Nor did I ever find out what “it” he referred to at that time.

         Just when my favorite song came on, someone yanks my earphones out of my ears. Who would even dare to do that? Its lunch break and no one even goes to old Mr. Woody class. I look up quickly and glare at the person in front of me. “Why—,” I utter out before choking on air when my brain processed the image in front of me. I cleared my throat before saying, “what do you need Noah?” Quickly pulling a chair out from the desk beside me he situated himself next to me. I started to look around the room as he stared at me. ‘Why is this guy even here?’ The last time we talked was in middle school year. “Toby…,” Noah mutters and then sighed. My eyes waters at the name of my best-friend. No one has mention Toby’s name ever since he died. People just acted as if he never existed. And here sitting in-front of me is his older twin brother. “I found Toby’s diary. I believe he left it for us,” Noah says. My whole body freezes when Noah suddenly reached for my hands. “I need you to help me. You need to come with me,” he says with his grey eyes pleading me. “No,” I manage to whisper for I suddenly felt overwhelmed and tired. “No is not acceptable. Do it for Toby.” Here sitting in front of me is my rival since childhood. The person who caused Toby and I a lot of pain and who is still known as the biggest jerk in school. If Toby’s smile had not appeared in my brain at that moment I would had not nodded my head. All I could think at that moment is that Toby did not abandon me. That he thought of me before his suicide. That he had a reason for why he killed himself and left me all alone in this cold world.  

 

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key - words //

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