Hope is essential to us, it keeps us alive. It makes us feel that we have a goal that we are going to achieve making us go forward. We spend nights hoping for good grades, for health, for money,... And we believe that the more we hope the more we achieve, the more we have energy and strength to accomplish a task.
But me, I've lost all of that. I've lost hope.
I've been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 months ago. The doctors tried everything they could and yet every time they enter in my room I see the pitiful look they give me. It's like people enter the hospital only to be cured, dying is not an option. Once they know you are gonna die, they are afraid of you.
And that's what is happening to me, they are scared of me.
Talking to me is like an obligation, every single one of my many demands has to be executed, but the worse thing is when they see me in the corridor they change their way or try to avoid eye contact or simply ignore my very existence.
For them, I am already dead.
Time is passing fast, I only have 3-4 months to live at best and I am only 17. Every minute wasted is forever gone. But what can I do? I was in no condition to leave the hospital, and even if I left for a day, I was putting myself in great danger.
The other patients are all kids, healing, giving it no importance. Their families are near them all the time and I can't come close. I tried talking to one of the kids once but he told me that his parents forbid him to speak to me. For them, they are protecting their children from getting attached to a person who's gonna die. For me, they are burying me alive.
My life at the hospital is like a funeral. Everywhere I go I can hear people whispering: ''Isn't it the boy who's gonna die?? Poor kid''. Before, I used to shout at them or get angry but now I just look at them indifferently and resume my walk.
You are probably asking where is my family. My dad doesn't care about me, in fact we haven't talked in years. He left the house when I was young and never came back. He never called me not even once. As for my mother, she is always working. She could only visit me 3 times a week and frankly I would prefer if she didn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and understand that it must be hard for her to see her only child dying.
But when she comes, she never talks to me, she sits near my bed she hold my hand, and she just stares at me. It's like she is trying to memories every inch of my face, my body before I go. And then after an hour she leaves the room and start shouting at the doctor and the nurses while crying. In these times I wish I could hold her tight and feel her warmth and her tender perfume once again like I did before. It was such a simple thing to do,to hug her. But now it will only hurt her more.
The hospital is kind of boring, the only day where the floor was agitated was when the girls from the 'U are not alone' association come, they play with children and watch movies and even sometimes have karaoke nights. But I never come out of my room when they were here, they were loud and childish, and they think they know all about our suffering even thought they have never experience it. They are just anoying.
So my days are very dull. I stayed in my room most of the times. Sometimes, I go for a walk in the park near the hospital but it only happens when the nurses need to change the bedsheets. And this is my life, or should I say, how it has become.
This book will be written from the boy's, Alexender, point of view.
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I woke up at 9 am, the floor was very agitated. The nurses were running everywhere shouting and making noise, so much for silence in the hospital. I looked at the calendar, it was marked in pink which means that the association is coming to visit us today so the nurses had to dress the kids properly and change the bed sheets and make sure everything is clean and arranged.
I went down stairs, to the hospital's cafeteria. The service was disturbingly slow, They were preparing desserts and platters to our guests. I didn't want to wait so I took a banana and left.
When I came back to my room, they were cleaning it and removing the bed sheets. I had to wait outside till they finished so I decided to go to the mini park behind the hospital. I was walking slowly, I wanted to go faster, to run, but I couldn't. In fact, I was tired, my heart was beating faster, my legs couldn't carry me anymore, all of that just because I walked for 10 minutes. This cancer is really weakening me.As soon as I arrived, I directly went to the swing.
I liked sitting on it. The first reason was because I needed to rest before resuming my walk and the second one was because it reminded me of when I was 4 years old, my father use to push me so I swung so high it felt like I was flying. When he did that, I use to forget all my toddler troubles and I felt free. I missed that feeling.
When I went back to my room, they were still in it. Usually, they would finish directly but now they are taking much more time. The girls from the association had arrived,so they asked me to stay in the 'living room' until they finished, the corridor would be clean and empty and they could close my room's door. I went there, and it was crowded, as soon as I walked in, the children looked at me with fear, their parent's look was transmitted trough their eyes. I avoided making eye contact and sat on a chair in the back of the room.
As soon as the girls arrived in the room the kids started jumping and smiling and hugging them. They were shouting, A Lot.They took 20 minutes to calm down and sit in their places.The volunteers started giving red roses to everyone, which was awkward since there was no occasion, but that didn't matter because the kids were happy. Then a girl looked at me, she was wondering if she had to give a rose but when my eyes met hers she turned around and ignored me. Well, I expected that since I am "the dead boy". They must have warned her before she comes in that I am a lost cause.
After 5 minutes, almost all the kids had their roses and they were putting the kids in position to teach them a dance. Everyone finished giving roses but one girl, I was watching to see why she was taking so much time. She was hugging every child and talking to them while making silly faces, it made them laugh. She looked at me, and to my surprise she smiled and came towards me. I didn't know how to react so I just stared at her until she came, gave me a rose and told me: '' Have a nice day''.
I was so surprised I didn't even thank her, I took the rose and stared at it like a little kid who's discovering a flower for the first time. It's red color was like blood, it made me feel warm. I can't describe how much that rose had an effect on me. It made me feel human again, not just like a dead corpse moving around.
When I finished staring at the flower, I looked at the angel who decided to give it to me. Her blond hair was a tangled mess of curls and her eyes were green but not the dark green, the light one. She wasn't perfect, she wasn't gorgeous but to me she was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
Sundently, the nurse came behind me to notify me that my room was done. I nodded. I wanted to stay more, but the childish dance has started and the walk I took earlier this morning dried my energy. I looked at her one last time and then fled to my room.
I immediately threw myself on the bed and fell asleep it was 11 o'clock. I woke up at 7pm, I was starving so I silently went to the cafeteria.The whole hospital was now asleep, all of the kids were out of energy, and the other people liked to sleep early to forget that they are sick,dying,in a hospital. The only people left on the floor was the security guy, a nurse ans the receptionist. In the cafeteria I ate the meal the prepared for me. I would kill for a pizza but I had to avoid salty food for my health. I don't know why I can't just eat pizza or a hamburger if I was gonna die anyway but I obeyed the doctor's recommendation not because he was right but because he was able to give me a few more weeks that my mother clearly needed.
I went back to my room, there was medicine on the table near my bed. I had to take them since I ate and I was now awake. The pills were in small bottles. On the outside it was written when to take them with my name on it : ''Alexander o'Sean, take 1 pill in the afternoon after eating''
Sundently, I stepped on something. It was the rose that was given to me. I removed my foot instantly, picked it up, and found myself smiling. It was so awkward, I was smiling just by looking at it. It was the first time I felt so secure since I learned I was ill.
I placed it in a bottle full of water on my desk near the window and went to sleep.
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The next day, my mother came to visit me. As usual, she was silent and she stared at me. But when she looked around and saw the rose, she smiled. ''You bought a rose?'' she asked, and I told her all the story. While talking to her, I felt happy. It was the first time we had a normal conversation since I entered the hospital.
She was listening carefully to the story and was happy to see how exited I got when narrating it.I missed her smile so much,it had been such a long time since she last smiled that her face lighted up when she did. Seeing her like this again reminded me of the way things were before.
When I finished my story she started telling me about her job and her friends, she even told me how the dog was doing and how much he missed me. He stayed in my room all day and only slept in my bed. Hearing all of this made me feel happy. And for the first time in a long time our mother/son relationship was restored.
Unfortunately she had to leave for work. Before she went, she kissed me and told me that she loved me. I was the happiest son on earth. She then left without shouting at the doctors or crying. This made my day. I was talking to nurses and smiling. And kids weren't that afraid of me when they saw my smile. I could really get used to smiling more.
When I went to the cafeteria, my food was already ready and I directly took it to my room. I ate a plain baked potato and then took my medicine. I stayed all the afternoon on my laptop listening to music and stalking my old friends on Instagram.
Then the nurse came to inform me of the annual mass that the hospital held every year. It was written on my file that I was christian so they came to see if I would like to go. I immediately refused. I have lost my faith 2 months ago. When God decided to kill me. I hated everything in relation with churches, masses,...
For me, God is non-existent and if he was, he was more a demon than a father. If he created me then why kill me. Why kill me so young?? The people around me always tell me that He picks the best flower of the garden but that is just a lie, a simple theory that they invented to make them feel better about their loss.
What kind of Father lets his child suffer? I am starting to think that all fathers do that.
When I got bored of stalking my friends. I went to bed. I hated my old friends, they were just here for the looks, to appear popular in school but as soon as they learned about my condition, they stopped talking to me. What kind of friends were they?
The next morning, I woke up with a terrible pain in the stomach. Whenever I put something in my mouth, my body rejected it. I was vomiting all day. It was hell. The doctor couldn't do anything and neither could the nurses. And I could do was take my pills hoping I would get better.
A tremendous pain was invading me, all my back was hurting me. The body itching was very disturbing. Itching was a common symptom of my cancer but It's much more annoying than you think. My yellow skin was scarred by my nails and I couldn't rest. The pain was eating me and I was shouting for help. They gave me medicine to be able to sleep, and a few other pills, I don't know what were all the pills that were coming in and out of my mouth all I know is that I wanted it to stop.
When this happens, I like to picture myself on a swing, my mom pushing me but this time was different, a huge field of red roses was surrounding us and a fresh breeze was making me feel safe.
I opened my eyes and looked at the rose that was now dying. All my pain suddenly became worth baring. It didn't go any better but at least I knew that if I make through this I could thank the girl for what she did that day or talk with my mother.This pain was terrible, I wish that nobody will ever experience it.
After a few hours of endless suffering I fell asleep.
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