Have you ever had that feeling that you're about to loose something precious? Something so dear to you that it has been holding you're life together? I have, and although I hate to admit, it's starting to slowly fade away from me. She's always been the tremendous warrior that kept me from disappearing into the vagueness of my existence. Today was the last day I could see her. My appointment with doctor Abraham of St. Matthews was scheduled at 1:30 on wednesday afternoon. I had been scared for this moment to come, but it also felt as a relieve, to finally let all of this horror behind me. At 11 o'clock, the taxidriver honked in front of my door, I lived at Parkwaystreet 1078, Epping, Essex. The street was filled with the most wonderful blossom trees and anyone who would have seen them in the spring would have thought that they had arrived in some sort of surreal fairytale land. But that wasn't the case for me. I always hated those trees, especially during the autumn, when the last pink shaded leaves would slowly hit the ground, to then completely disappear due to the cold breath of the winter coming. They only reminded me of that particular day, when the wind was roaring so loud, you could hear the cracks of the old wooden house I used to live in everywhere you went. Today was such a day. The wind was screaming and cut through the leaves of the oak trees at the beginning of the street. The unpleasant change in wheather made this day all the worse. The trip to London took about 4 hours. The rain poured down the windows of the car and I was wondering how it ever could have come this far.  

It was a tall grey building made of cement blocks who, as a result of weathering, seemed to radiate an icy chill. Facing the building was a mournful-looking kindergarten, that had closed it's doors a long time ago.  The terrain was bare. Any glimmer of hope that a patient would have left, would vanish completely upon arriving at this supplementary building of Bethlem Royal Hospital for ‘special cases‘, as the judge preferred to call it. The porch contained a structure of degraded dim gray stones, almost looking black due to air pollution.  Underneath the porch were seven steps leading up to a thick heavy-looking wooden door. A sharp squeak sound was heard upon entering the building. Inside was a long hallway with two wooden chairs on either side, one of them was missing an elbow rest. Immediately a clear plastic table could be seen that did not seem to belong in the otherwise classic interior of the building. It was as if a counter was needed on a really short notice and the canteen lady offered her hideous table, used for never-occurring family occasions, thus collecting dust on the bare wooden floor in the attic, to do the job. An old scruffy woman was standing behind it. 'How can I be of service to you on this lovely day?' the woman asked. Louise wasn't sure if this particular lady was being sarcastic or genuinely believed this was a rather nice day. The latter seemed so unrealistic, Louise just assumed the sarcasm. 'I happen to have an appointment with sir Abraham for visiting miss King'. ' Of course,' the woman replied, 'if you could follow me this way please, you’re right on time.’ Louise followed the old woman whose name was Glinda Walmsley, according to her nameplate, and appeared to be much smaller than Louise had thought, since she was standing on a small wooden platform behind the counter. Her height, she was barely larger than a 10 year old child, reminded her of the Munchkins from the 1993 classic The Wizard of Oz. That movie had always been her favorite, hadn't it been for her mother who thought that commercial cinema was a pure waste of time. She followed Glinda to a marble staircase that led to the second floor. That floor was even more depressing than it was downstairs. There were only two lights hanging on the ceiling and one of them was flickering, which caused quite the spooky effect. Glinda led Louise to a red door at the end of the hallway which on it's turn led to a small room of approximately four by four meters. There were three people in the room, one of them was a caretaker with a white blouse and black slippers on. The other one was a woman, probably in her late forties. She looked as if she was about to burst into tears, but had seen something so horrible she all of a sudden wasn't able to do so anymore. Still looking horrified, she quietly left the room, without giving any glance at Louise. Louise knew who she was, what she did here, and she also knew perfectly well that she didn't have the need to talk to her at this moment. Of course part of this mess was her own fault, she was probably the one to blame the most, at least that's what she thought. But that woman was definitely to blame as well. The final person left in the room was who she came for. She looked terrible. The scars on her arm were a long way recovering, but ithe thought of how those scars came there still terrified Louise and for a brief moment she was considering to leave the room, go back to Epping, have a nice cup of tea and ban this girl out of her life. But she knew she couldn't, she had to do this, had to finish this. And after all, that's maybe what she wanted as well. 'How are you feeling today?' Louise asked. The girl didn't speak or move, she just sat there on the soft carpet. She wore a grey hoody with Mickey Mouse on the back of it. 'Is there something I can do for you? Maybe get you some water?' Again the girl did not reply. 'I came here, because I wanted to have a small talk with you, and', Louise grasped for air, 'say goodbye...'. Louise walked towards the fauteil at the window. 'It's a bit chilly in here, shall I close the window for you miss Thompson? I guess miss King would prefer that as well' said Glinda. 'No, no i'm fine, and I think miss King is as well, sitting there with her warm hoody, not saying anything' said Louise slightly irritated. 'Allright, well I leave you two alone for now, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, just push the button next the door and someone will come to assist you in whatever your concern may be' answered Glinda. Louise looked briefly at the Old wamn standing next to her. 'Thank you very much, I'll be fine, promise'. Glinda left the room and the red door closed behind her with a soft click. Louise and the girl sat on their intial posistion for at least 10 minutes when finally one of them made a move. The hooded girl on the floor moved her feet and started to make curls in her hair with her forefinger. Then, with a hoarse, almost unhearable soft voice she said 'I never meant it like that, you know. I only did it because I thought it was the best'. Louise heard what she said, moved towards the girl and kneeled in front of her. 'My soul just couldn't take it anymore, I had to preserve it, forever' the girl continued. Now it was Louise's turn to say something. 'You actually believed that this would erase what had happened, you stupid girl! How many times have I told you to look for help, see what you've done to yourself!' Louise's eyes began to get wet and her voice started to tremble as she increased the volume of her voice. 'And not to forget what you've done to us! How could you! You selfless prick!' Louise bursted into tears. 'No, no I'm sorry it's not your fault, not your fault at all. It's mine! I could have brought the help you needed straight to you, why have I been so stupid'. After Louise's rambling had finished, the girl just stared at her. They looked at each others for seconds that seemd to be minutes, or hours maybe. The wind howled outside and the rain was still ticking against the window, which made the place depressive. A loud smack, the girl was moving so fast that Louise didn't have time to prepare herself. The hand was on her throat before she knew it. 'I can't breathe! What you're doing?!' Louise already felt her voice slipping away as the breathing got harder. 'I want him back! I want him back! Now, I need him!' screamed the girl so loud that a peep started to evolve in Louise's ear. 'HELP!' Louise tried to move in the direction of the button next to the red door, but the girl's grip was so strong, so fierceful, that it was almost impossible to move. The girls changed their positition as Louise couldn't support her body weight anymore and gravity forced her to the ground. Vision slowly began to blur for Louise and all she could see were the dark blue eyes of the girl opposing her. 'Get... off..of..me', those were the last words Louise was able to bring out of her mouth before everything went dark.

A few hours later, Louise woke up in a white hospital bed in a dark room with black curtains hanging in front of the window. Two caretakes of St. Mathews were standing next to her bedside. 'Good evening miss Thompson, your health is just fine now, but luckily miss Wordrub came to bring the two of you a cup of tea and was then able to raise the alarm. It shouldn't have been any longer or you wouldv'e been choked to death'. Louise couldn't believe what just had happened, why did she all of a sudden attack her. The last thing she could remember were the dark blue eyes staring intensively at her, almost as if they were penetrating her soul. She'd only seen those eyes two times before in her life. The last time Louise saw them was when she finally came back, stressed out on Louise's doorstep. Both moments were one of the most terrifying experience of Louise ever, now complimented with a third one. 'We can get you a cup of water?' one of the caretakers asked. 'No thanks, I'd like to go back to miss King please.' 'I'm afraid that won't be possible ma'am, not now, not anytime in the near future'. Louise looked confused and replied: 'Why? Why can't I see her, I've come all the way for my last meeting with her, you can't take that away from me!' 'I'm extremly sorry miss, but in the light of recent events, violent behavior towards visitors, her lawyer has decided that it would be better to transfer her to St Meredith, where no visitors are permitted, allowing her to be treated in a much more tranquil environment.' Louise felt astonished, nothing had her prepared for this, her final goodbye hadn't been a goodbye at all. She had to see her again, somehow. 'Fine' Louise said, 'I'll agree to your new transfer. I do like to ask if it's possible for me to stay the night. I still feel a bit overwhelmed and it's already 10 o'clock and I don't feel like a four hour drive back to Epping, arriving home in the midst of the night.' 'Of course, we shall arrange something for you' said the caretaker. 

'Get your feet off the table! How many times do I have to tell you, this is not some kind of children's playground where you can do whatever you like. We have agreed to let you live with us for a few more years, but that goes by our rules!' Alice stared bored in front of her. 'Mom, you don't have to tell me off, I'm a grown up woman now, at the age of 25 you can't treat me as you five year old daughter anymore' It was a nice sunny summer morning, it was still quite early but Alice wanted to leave as soon as possible to make the most out of their trip. She looked at the high ceiling above her. It was painted with golden stars that reminded her of her younger years when she went star watching with her father in Scotland. 'Won't you forget to make an appointment with the doctor? I'm still worried that you're getting into some sort of mental depression' said Alice's mother. 'Jane, for god's sake, i'm just fine, don't worry about me' Alice replied. Jane King was Alice's mother, she was a woman of around 40 years old. She wore squared red glasses that made her look much older than she actually was. Around her skinny waist was a small leather belt that held together the loose endings of her favorite green dress. 'You like a christmas tree with that colour combination mom' Alice always said. Alice herself was a girl with a sparkling attitude. To others it seemed as if she was always smiling and her charm made everyone like her. She was the kind of girl that made all the other girls feel jealous and who made all the boys fell in love with her. She had long blond hair, that had a soft curl in it and stopped at around ten centimeters under her breasts. Her bossom was very large in comparison with her skinny body and her small feet. It was going to be a warm day and she and her friend were about to visit the Capital, thus she wore dark blue daisy dukes and a white coloured blouse on top that playfully showed her decollote. It had always been a mystery where she got her blue eyes from, since both her parents had green ones. 'How long before you'll be leaving?' her mother asked. ' When Louise is her, we'll be heading towards the train station, I'm wondering where she is actually, she should be here by now'. Louise was Alice's best friend. They had known each other since kinder garten. Their dads worked for the same company that manufactured toothbrushes, a kind of boring job, but at the time the girls both thought that their dads were doing the greatest job in the world. However, they didn't become friends on the very first instant. It was only after Louise comforted Alice after she fell of the slide on the playground that the two of them really became best friends forever. Louise was much less popular though. It wouldn't be fair to say this, but it probably came due to her much less attracting looks. Louise was way chubbier than Alice was and very short as well. She had thin dark hair that for some reason wouldn't grow much longer than past her shoulders. In high school there was a period when Louise had enough of her boring look and decided to do the extreme. Instead of waiting forever for it to grow, she just cut it until there were just some millimeters of hair left. 'Maybe I can set a trend this way' was what Louise convinced herself of at that time. Of course the moment she entered the school with her new hairdo, she became the new laughingstock. It was one of the most terrible days in Louise's life. High school in itself was a rather difficult period for Louise. Since Alice was enourmously popular, getting attention of guys, hanging out with the cool girls, Louise got slightly left behind. Normally anyone would have thought that the friendship of Alice and Louise wouldn't last too long, but there was some sort of bonding between the girls that allowed them to stay friends even when something terrible would happen. Alice had to admit that she loved the attention she was getting in High School and had quite a hard time to give her own attention to Louise. She loved Louise, that one thing was true, but she didn't want to become the same sort of underdog Louise was. Thus she only visited Louise after school, preferably in the evenings when she could go out on the street unnoticable. Louise didn't mind the approach Alice was taken. She was so amazed by Alice's personality, her smile, her looks, that she would forgive anything she'd do. And with anything, one must take that quite literally.