I have A LOT of thoughts to get off my chest....

I know nobody will read this but I will and I like to go over my thoughts and memories, it's what I do. Anyways the first thought on my mind is how to push someone out of your mind when you still love them? I'm dating someone yes I know, but it hurts I still have feelings for my mysterious Ex. I wish I could talk to him and be his friend so I wouldn't be mad at myself and feel half full inside. I feel like a half filled glass but not the optimistic side, more like the negative side because whenever I think of this guy I long for him. I feel like I want to kiss him and hug him and make everything all better but.... I can't. And that's what's killing me. How can I date another person when I'm still In love with another? There's really no way I can talk to him, and even if I could all he wants is to hurt me. Why can't I stay away? Is it the lust that I have for him, or is it his mysterious ways that make me addicted to him like he's my drug. I literally feel high when I think of him, he makes me feel broken but at the same time I can't feel. This is so confusing I know. My drug is gone and I'm on a different supply that simply isn't strong enough to make me forget. Am I a bad person? I mean I love my new boyfriend but I don't love him. Maybe I am.... I just wish he would be here and consider forgiving me and letting me back into his life, but he has another and he's happy with him. I can't tell anyone my thoughts and feelings anymore, they're always judging me for trying to follow my heart. I'm listening to my brain too but my brain is being held captive by my heart with its devious ways. I wish I could only understand and accept that he hurt me and I need to forget and leave it alone, but I can't. Nobody understands the pain and suffering that I'm going through trying to fix this. Trying to fake a smile just to please my friends and family, letting them think I'm over him. I know he seems like he doesn't feel the same way anymore but I feel like deep down inside there is some part of him that longs to be with me too. Everything we've been through, fights, feelings, late night conversations even when one of us was asleep, are cute sleep fights, are awkward feelings around each other feeling like we need each other to feel. He's so tempting, he makes me want to kill myself just to save his own life. I must be crazy people say, fuck them i say because when you love someone then you love them and you can't change that feeling unless you don't love them no more. Before when I felt at ease sleeping next to him I thought that we'd never end, that we'd stay together and have children and live a happy life he thought the same too. We shared dreams and secrets even though we never talked, we felt each other through emotions and actions. Love is a complicated thing for me I guess. I just wish I understood the proper way to feel instead of feeling like a empty soul. Goodbye for now thoughts, more will come along as the days and nights pass but for now these thoughts will be hidden away from all those who punish me for having them.