Another day, another dollar. That was the daily mantra.

The rest of the house is still asleep when I get up. I pull on the social camouflage; shirt, tie and suit so that I look identical to the thousands of others about to make the daily pilgrimage. A traditional quiet, lonely, meal is had before the drive to the train station to stand at the platform with near a hundred others exactly like me. Every day is the same.

I don’t speak to the others. It is not clear why. Perhaps it is because I am tired, perhaps it’s the day ahead; the meetings and the drama.

How did it all come to this? After school I travelled, I lived. Even during university there were parties and there were new experiences. Now every day is the same.

With a rumble and a screech, the train arrives. I obediently wait my turn to alight the carriage. I frown, no seats again. I had a book in my bag for the commute but it’s too difficult to read standing. The train pulls away and briefly there was a need to act on instinct to maintain balance, but that soon passes and the monotony returns.

The commute is an hour and nothing to do but get lost in your thoughts. The down time in the train is a time for minds to wander, remembering what was and considering what could have been.

Most people think accountancy is boring, but I like numbers and helping people bring security and order to their lives. I often ask the question these days, though, whether too much order is a bad thing. I also resent the having to work, the endless meetings, the office dramas, the power trips from management and the greedy clients.

My mind wandered as the train gently rocks from side to side. I thought about stupid things, casually making some calculations. There are approximately 80 seats in the carriage I’m in with about 15 people, including myself, standing. So, let’s say the train is around 20% overloaded. If each carriage was the same in the six-carriage train, then there is a carriage and a bit of people standing. The train operators were probably right, it was not enough to run an additional service.

Presently, I notice that there is an attractive blond with a low-cut top casually regarding me, so I smile at her. She automatically looks away. Oh well, what the hell was I going to do if she had smiled back anyway?

I thought back to ‘that girl’. I could still smell her hair after – what? – nearly fifteen years since we first me? She would never have settled for this life. I had been her anchor and she had been my sail. We had travelled and experienced and loved, but I had wanted children and she did not.

“How could I”?, “Why would I?”, she had said. Her words had an echo.

Where would I be now if I had given up on the idea of children? It was not the first time I had asked myself that question.

So long ago now!

Immediately after we had parted ways, she had gone off to teach English in Japan with her degree unfinished. True to her modus operandi that had only lasted six months before she decided to trek across Eurasia, with ‘some people’ she had met. I was surprised to learn she had made it across Mongolia before she had grown sick of ‘some people’ and had given up. Keeping her focused had been a full-time job when we were together.

If I had of gone with her to Japan she would have stuck with the teaching for longer and probably not have gotten involved with ‘some people’… although that was not necessarily guarantied. I could have finished my degree in Japan, it would have been a hassle, but I could have done it.

The train gently swayed from side to side while I adjusted my position. Standing made my feet go to sleep, I needed to get some better shoes.

The memories floated back. After Mongolia she went back home and lived with her parents, Di and Ed. Her return had been an unwelcome distraction at the time as I had just moved in with Tanya. To compound this further I had finished my degree and was doing some short-term placements. One, two-month, appointment happened to be within walking distance from Di and Ed’s place. I had always gotten along well with them. Tanya, Di and Ed had insisted that I stay just down the hall from where ‘she’ was sleeping during the week rather than do the three hours commute each day. It had been a conspiracy. I thought then, and know now, that it would have been wiser to take the commute.

The familiar scenery was flashing by outside the train’s window. There was some new graffiti covering a rail truck. I frowned again. It was disappointing as I really liked the old art work. The new ‘art’ was just destructive, infantile and thoughtless.

While at Di and Ed’s, in every way but physically, ‘she’ and I had picked up right where we had left off. It was as if that eighteen or so months had not even happened. I didn’t get good references from that work placement. I was a little distracted. She was so beautiful then. So smart, opinionated, insightful and charismatic, and wiser from her experiences in Asia. We talked for hours at night, conscious of avoiding certain topics. That hadn’t been easy. It didn’t help when Di pointedly stated, “she is so much happier when you are here”.

During the week I would stay at Ed and Di’s and on the weekend go home to the share house with Tanya. I dutifully called Tanya every night often while being made fun of by the girl down the hall.

The train had stopped, and more people filed on. I shuffled down the aisle to make space. Now you could definitely make an argument for another scheduled train.

As it pulled away from the station with its overloaded carriages I sighed and returned to my self-indulgent thoughts. I was so conflicted during that work placement. Each day I couldn’t wait until I got back to Ed and Di’s and felt so guilty about it. My sail and I had laughed, we hung out at the shops and walked the dogs together; I tried not to reciprocate her flirting. And that was it!

Until; she said she wanted to get out of the house; she said we had to celebrate the end of my placement; she wore that dress; the alcohol fuelled flirting became so much more aggressive; and Di and Ed were away being grey haired nomads. It happened. Tanya still doesn’t know.

I became aware I was looking at my feet and had a lump in my throat. My shoes didn’t look that bad maybe they would last a few more months.

The morning after ‘that’ night our talk was turned to a field school in Brazil caring for injured wildlife, which: “we should so go and do!”; “You have finished your degree now!”; “What’s keeping you here?”; “Come with me!”

It was tempting, especially while she was lying next to me naked, and for a week or so I had decided to go. She was acting strangely. I had rarely held the upper hand in our relationship. She normally would have never admitted outright that she wanted me. One may even say there was a sense of desperation to what she said. I had fully intended to break up with Tanya.

It came down to one thing, kids. I think she had forgotten or maybe had thought I might have grown out of that phase. When I mentioned children, her face turned to one of disgust, like I was suggesting that maybe one day she might like to cut off an arm or a leg.

What if I had broken up with Tanya and gone with her. I would have loved to. Those not for profit animal welfare agencies need accountants. Balancing the books when you can’t make too much of a loss or a profit takes some management. We may have done some good. Maybe one day she would have changed her mind on children. Maybe I could have stopped her going down the path that she did.

Di cried and wouldn’t speak to me when last I saw her, I didn’t understand then, I do now.

The normal rocking of the train suddenly became more violent and I had to grab for the hand rail. Stupid thing gets me every day.

I have never done drugs and she never did any while with me. But I wasn’t surprised when I found out, it was the fact that my suspicions were confirmed the same time as I heard about the first overdose which was the shock. She never did go to that field school.

Over the following years she got involved with the wrong people and slowly deteriorated. Around the time of Tanya and my wedding she was particularly bad. I had thought about inviting her to the wedding but that wouldn’t have been fair on Tanya.

My friend made a major effort when Hunter was born. She even came and stayed at our house for a week, at the time she said she had been clean for three months. Tanya had been so accommodating. I don’t think I would have been the same if one of Tanya’s ex’s had come to stay. For a moment she held Hunter so close and looked happy again. Later she stole some money and turned up at the house completely wasted.

Tanya wouldn’t have her around anymore after that.

I saw her from time to time, each she was worse. She passed away just before Jess was born. I named my daughter after her.

What if I had done more? Maybe I could have locked her up until she was clean. Maybe I could have taken her away and cleaned her up; Tanya would have been OK with Hunter by herself while I helped an old stoner ex-girlfriend who I was still in love with, right? I had always just assumed that she would eventually sort herself out.

The attractive blond with a low-cut top was casually watching me again, and this time smiled when she saw I had noticed her. It was my turn to look away, I had enough guilt to deal with at the moment.

The train was slowing and the announcers, sudden, sharp voice, with the trained key words broke my meditation.

I joined the others and filed off the train.

There was a ten-minute walk to work from the station, then there were the four floors in a crowded escalator and a short walk across a floor to my cubicle. The same every day.

The faces of my wife and two children greeted me in a frame at my desk surrounded by a mess of papers and journals. Hunter was turning into such a little man now, he wanted to be an astronaut. He was doing so well at school but was being bullied, some days he came home so sad. We had talked to the school three times already. I hated being at work while I knew he was having a horrible time. Like her name sake, Jess was beautiful, and rebellious, and ran circles around her big brother. But she would be starting school next year and we were still struggling with getting her to do anything without her unimaginatively named ‘Teddy’, she couldn’t comprehend that she wouldn’t be able to take it to school.

I had sacrificed so much for them.

I looked at my schedule. I had a morning meeting with an old client who desperately wanted to commit tax fraud. Then a series of pointless meetings with the departmental committee on conflict resolution, even though I couldn’t remember any internal conflict in our department. This was followed by a tool box meeting on customer service, even though we practiced that every day. The rest of the day would be spent chipping away on the business accounts of another client whose filing system appeared to based on a cryptic cipher which I was missing the key to.

I got up and I walked down the hall to get my daily instant coffee to start the day.

Another day, another dollar!