***this is not the full story***** 

I HAVE MY STRUGGLES 

               &

         FIGHTS

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.”

                                          Moliere

“For me, it’s not necessarily interesting to play a strong, fearless woman. It’s interesting to play a woman who is terrified and then overcomes that fear. It’s about the journey. Courage is not the absence of fear, it’s overcoming it.”

                                        Natalie Dorner 

NOTE TO MY READERS:

First of all, I would like to say thank you for the purchase of this book. If you reached this page, thank you and I appreciate you. Most people don’t read this page and just want to read the story, but I will short I promise. This story was written when I was sixteen years old and I have decided to rewrite and make it better. I decided to have this book and my other book ‘We Found Love” to be connecting stories, when you read this book you will know how. I hope that this book can actually help someone, especially those who go through rough times and feel as if there is no way out. For those who feel as if they are stuck and that they life is at a standstill, let this book teach you a lesson. I am a new author and would love to stay connected with all of my readers so if you want to message me to talk or even give your input on this book please do via email(vaneishatyreetheauthor@gmail) please put in the subject line “I have my struggles& fights.” You can also comment on my Instagram (maturityloves & or vaneishatyree). Once again thank you so much and enjoy the book! 

          PART ONE:

      CHAPTER ONE 

     Chapter one 

Everybody wants love but just can’t find the right person to love or to fall in love with, which is a hard thing to do. Like me myself has told someone I love them and did really mean it, but things and people change I guess. The person I loved I wasn’t in love with, I portray loving someone and being in love with as two different thing. Saying you’re in love with someone is like almost saying I’m ready for marriage, I’m only in high school I’m not ready for no damn marriage, I could barely pass my classes. I don’t have time for boys, I barely got time for my damn self, and to top all of that up I’m having problems in my household than a person can handle. I always told myself that the word HATE will never be in my vocabulary, but damn I’m sorry I just hate my “dad” with a passion. I know, I know it’s a bad thing but honestly I just don’t give a damn. I wish I had a mother in my life to be there for me through my rough times, when I have a boyfriend, my first period, someone just to talk to about my day.

Honestly the only thing I’m focused on is having someone to love me and show that they care for me and only wants me, not leave me, lift me up when I’m feeling down. I don’t want love like my sister Alicia, we don’t get along very much we always seem to bump heads. I actually wish she was with me right now because I’m feeling lonely but for now fuck Alicia. I just want to bury myself alive right now I never forget the words my grandmother told “life is precious,” but  my life isn’t I hate my life as well. It’s like every day I’m depressed or stressed out about some shit my “dad” or said to me with his drunk ass.  Well back to this love discussion. I honestly don’t think I know what the four letter word mean (Love). My grandmother always told me “it’s not a word that you say or should use loosely, but its how the man shows you he loves you by his actions. Not his words.” Shit if you asked me whenever my grandmother said it’s what you do I thought she meant have sex, you know making “love” to the person. That’s probably why the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend now, but it’s not my fault it’s my grandmothers fault. I blame my “dad” for the type of person I am today but hmm who cares about that man. I’m not passing any of my classes right now hmm because don’t show u. I hate school period the only time I show up is for regents and mid-terms other than that my ass isn’t showing up. I don’t have time for school, I’m not smart like the other kids or my sister, if you asked me I’m dumb as hell. School isn’t for everybody and it sure isn’t for me, my “dad” don’t give a shit about what I do or if I attend or not so why the hell should I? He tried to kill me when I was seven years old because I wanted to go outside, but he did something way worse he tortured me.  He starved me for four days without food or drink, didn’t even let me attend school, he knew I would eat and drink if I was there. Therefore I hate that man with a passion can’t stand him at all, he don’t give a shit about me at all, he is never home and for the time that he is home m being verbally abused, threatened or beaten on.  He once told me I will never become nothing in life, so I ask myself what I’m living for. I’m never going to amount to nothing but being a drug addict like my mom, right? He also told me I was mistake because my mom was nothing but a prostitute, he says a whole bunch of shit I sit there and act like it doesn’t bother me or none of it gets to me but it does. It bothers me more than anything he’s supposed to be my dad, supposed to protect and love me, I cry myself to sleep all the time. Like right now I’m crying because I want my mom back. Why she had to be addicted to drugs and leave me here with him? I blame her for all the shit that I’m going through, too bad I can’t live with my grandmother shes in the nursing home and all I can do is visit her. It feels like I don’t have family that care about me or even friends that care about, but only care about their damn selves. I don’t think I ever cared for someone before or even know how to care for someone, I don’t trust anyone and I have big trust issues. I don’t even care about my damn self, I don’t love myself either. Being my age it’s hard looking for a job at the age of fourteen, I mean it’s ridiculous to go get your working papers knowing damn well no one wants a fourteen year old at their company working. I just can’t wait to be fifteen which is in a couple of months then I can actually get a job and pay some of this rent that my “dad” is behind on. Like if he don’t pay them, then who the hell will? I don’t have family that will take me in, I wish I knew where my sister was maybe we can try and get  place together or something. Is it right at my age that I should be going through shit like this right now? I got too much stress, I just want to live my life without no worries and be a teenager, and you could only be a teenager once. Here I am waiting to be fifteen so I can get a damn job help pay this rent because I refuse to be homeless again, waiting to be sixteen so that I could actually drop out of school. I barely take my ass there now when are they going to send me a letter so my dad can go on and just sign me out, he likes shit like that; that seems like the only way I can get him to go to school to do something for me. Let the teachers say something nice about me oh boy he don’t want to hear that shit. Hmm I got this math mid-term tomorrow so it looks like I will be there for the test and back home it is. ”Kayla get your ass in here right now girl and do these damn dishes, when you done with that cook me something to eat because I’m hungry. Kayla what the hell did I just say? Get the hell in here right now, don’t make me come in there girl. Kayla what the fuck, are you deaf? Bring your ass in the damn kitchen now.” Oh gosh here he comes speak of the devil, OMG I hate when he’s home. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! That hurts you’re hurting me daddy!! Stop, ouch! “I don’t care what I’m doing I told you to bring your ass in the kitchen to do the dishes and cook me something to eat. Bitches don’t listen first your mother, then Alicia and now you Kayla. The dishes not done, garbage not taken out, my room not clean, your room not clean. What the hell you doing all damn day? I know for sure your dumbass wasn’t in school either because they called me. Don’t let me ask you again, Kayla.” How you expect me to answer you when every word I say to you is a lie, and you bruised my damn arm. “Who the hell you think you talking to like that girl? I will slap the shit out of you right now, apologize to your father right now.” What?! You should be the one apologizing to me for what you did to my arm. Not sure as of to what exactly happened I know I woke up on my kitchen floor in blood. I know my “dad” beat me badly, I got up and walked my way to the bathroom. I have a black eye, my nose is all bloody and bruises on the left side of my face. How am I supposed to go to school looking like this? Laying with my head against the bathroom door crying, not even five minutes went by and I heard banging on the door. “Kayla get your ass in here and do these dishes and make me something to eat. I know I don’t hear you in there crying you better suck it up and shut up, better be glad I’m teaching you early before the next man do it. You need to learn how to fight back with your weak punk ass, you better stop crying and do the dishes and cook your dad something to eat.” I waited for him to move away from the bathroom door, when I heard him move away I got up to open the door. There he was right before my eyes could catch up with what I saw he grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the kitchen floor. “I told your ass so many times that I was hungry, what the hell took you so long? What the hell is wrong with your eye? “You did this to me, tears filled my eyes and fell onto the floor one by one. Do you feel guilty now? For what you did to me. “I don’t feel guilty at all when I tell your ass to do something, I mean do it now. You are so fucking hard headed you don’t listen.” How am I supposed to go to school tomorrow looking like this? You see what you have done to me? “Now what the hell are you going to school for? You know you not smart enough for school. In life you’re pointless, you will never amount to nothing, you going to be just like your mother on drug and running the streets wondering where your next meal will come from.” Stop it!! That’s not true and you know it, you know I’m smart and that’s why you don’t like me and Alicia because we could actually be someone. You love to see me do bad Alicia was the smart one she got out of here and I didn’t I’m still here because I don’t have a choice. “Who are you talking to like that? When I’m talking to your ass you shut the hell up and listen. Like I was saying you not shit, you will never amount to anything, you are wasting your time even trying to go to school or going to school period. You not smart you dumb, now get up off the floor and cook me something so I can bring to my girlfriend and her kids.” I got up off the floor went into the freezer, took out the steak and let the steak sit under water so that it can defrost. I’ve done the dishes, cleaned the whole entire kitchen inside and out, made my “dad” his dumb ass dinner for his girlfriend and her kids. I went off into my room and smothered my face into the pillow, just thinking about life like what’s the point of it, the point of us living. Everyone is going to die so what’s the pint of living? Now I have to figure out a way to cover up this black eye, the thought of this black eye is making me want to cry. I guess I have to wear sunglasses when I go in for my math mid-term and leave right away when it’s over so no one can see me. I mean I don’t have friends that I have to see or someone that wants to see me. I cried myself to sleep the whole entire night. Woke up and could barely open my eye that’s how much I was crying and how much pain I was in. the house was empty nobody was in it but me, I took shower got dress and was on my way to school. I hate taking these damn public busses, people just sit there and freaking stare at you. That just bugs the hell out of me it’s like what the hell are you looking at. It amazes me how they sit in groups on the bus. The so called “ratchet”, nerds and geeks, jocks, people who want to fit in, girls thinking that they all that, guys thinking they can get any girl. My stop is finally here, damn everyone is getting off the bus. I just sat in my seat with my sunglasses on until everyone got off, I have my head down, hoping that no one stares at me, but you know of course they try to see who’s under the sunglasses. I decided to put bubble gum in my mouth and started popping it loudly, so they can see me as someone “ratchet” and they would be scared to even look or say something to me. I walked into the building security guards checked me like I’m strapped down with bombs or something. Walked directly to my class with my head down, like always. “Yo shawty can I holler at you for a minute?” I pretended I didn’t hear him because he’s ugly as hell and he with all his friends. I don’t even remember my math teachers’ name I sat in one of the front rows quietly, until the teacher handed out the test. “Kayla Mathews is that you?” yea it’s me but who are you? “I’m your math teacher Ms. Jazz.” Yea right, hey Ms. Jazz now can you give me a test so I can take it and leave. “How do you expect to take a test when you’re never here? Please remove the sunglasses in the class, you know the rules.” Hmm, let me explain something to you Ms. Jazz I came all the way over here and I’m not leaving until you give me my test. Why I haven’t been here is none of your concerned and me taking my glasses off is not happening. If you do not want to give me the test that’s fine I will gladly leave just let me know. It doesn’t matter if I pass or fail this test I don’t care I just want to take so I could go and you’re holding up the rest of the class and I don’t appreciate that Ms. Jazz. “No need for an attitude when this class is over you are to stay behind because I need to talk to you about your grade.” Mhm okay whatever. She eventually handed me the test, I looked at the test and it was really easy being in ninth grade taking calculus I thought I was smart enough but I guess not.