By Kym Kostos
© 2014 by Kym Kostos
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.
Chapter 1 - How to Tell if Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend Is Cheating on You*
Aside from the feelings we get when we first enter a relationship, once the “newness” wears off and the “honeymoon” is over, sometimes we wonder if our partner is cheating on us. Whether you’ve been cheated on before or not or if there are signs, maybe lipstick on his collar or she is getting texts in the middle of the night that she just “has” to reply to. Sometimes our instincts tell us that something isn’t right and we should further investigate our instincts.
Being cheated on is no fun. Especially if you are making future plans with this person and have invested a lot of time in getting to know each other. Even more so if you are living together and sharing a life together. When you find out your partner is cheating on you, it can be devastating!
Not everyone cheats, but as a growing trend of online dating sites and the internet being the number one form of communication these days, opportunities arise for many to cheat on their partners.
Sometimes when we suspect someone is cheating on us, we are wrong. Like perhaps when your partner is out late and says they are working. You might suspect that they are cheating on you, when in reality, they are actually working late. It’s when isolated instances like that make us wonder, but there is no real proof or that our suspicions are unfounded.
But, then there are times when we see signs that point towards infidelity. It’s those that come in numbers that we need to take attention to.
Before you confront you partner, here are some signals that you should be looking for and hen make your own assessment.
- If they have stopped talking to you and communicating with you, especially if they have been really good about it before. If they seem suddenly distant from you and or lacking intimacy with you? If so, they very may well be cheating on you because they are sharing with another person now.
- Remember before when you could come over to their house unannounced or *show up at their work for a surprise lunch visit? But, now when you do, they get angry and irritated with you. Chances are because the other woman or man is doing the same thing and they don't want you to run into each other. That could easily blow their cover!
- Look for any changes in their routine. Is there anything out of their normal everyday things they do? Like, for instance, are they working late at the office every night all of a sudden and have never done so before? Are they paying more attention to their cell phone texts when they are with you, but when you are not together, do they take forever to reply back to you?
- Are they secretive about their text messages or contacts on their cell phone, when once they didn't care if you would look through their phone at all? Have they added a password on their laptop or tablet when before you were able to access it with no problem at all? Wake up, they are hiding something and don't want you to see what it is that they are hiding from you. More than likely, photos or love notes to and from the person they are cheating on you with.
- If you feel that your partner is talking excessively about someone and how much they despise them and how unattractive they are, but seem to be still talking about them constantly, chances are that they are trying to throw you off the interest they have in them. They are trying to use reverse psychology on you.
- Look for mood changes around you. Do they tend to want to lean more into starting fights with you, whereas before they would avoid them all together? Do they seem only moody around you? When someone is cheating they will displace their own anger within themselves and guilty feelings onto their partner. They are harboring negative feelings and you will be the one they will aim towards, this will give them justification within themselves to cheat on you.
- When they come home, are the smell of cologne, if they are a girl or perfume if they are a male? Chances are it is the person's scent they have on them that they are cheating on you with. If you don't recognize that scent, then they have been very close to someone with that scent.
- Are their political views changing? Their music tastes? Maybe they have taken up a new hobby that they once had told you that they despise. If a person suddenly starts spending time with a new person, often times they will adapt to their way of thinking and their tastes. Things they once despised will seem fabulous to them because they are trying to impress the other person.
- Remember when they would take calls right in front of you because it was their friends calling to confirm the plans for the weekend? Are they now suddenly leaving the room to take a call because they don't want you to hear their conversation? Perhaps the conversation is with the person they are cheating on you with and they don't want you to hear their sweet nothings to that person. And if you ask them who it was and they reply with, "It was no one." Then you should investigate. Since when does a "no one" require their undivided attention?
- When you go into their car or home and they have to "make sure things are clean" before you enter. This might be a good indication that they need to hide her earring she left behind in the car or that the condom by the side of the bed needs to be thrown away.
- Another good indication is if your partner lies to you. A good way to check on this is if you ask them where they were or went to lunch and who they were with. Ask them what they had for lunch and at what restaurant. A few days later, ask them about it again and be casual about it. If they lie about what they had and or where they went, then chances are that they can be lying to you about other things.
- Look at receipts or credit card bills if you can. If your partner is constantly going out and paying for two meals every time and you're not with them or if you notice your boyfriend bought a ring or necklace and saw the credit card bill or receipt for it and you have never seen the jewelry, because it was obviously not for you, then be on alert.
- If you had the passwords to your partner's e-mail account or online chat messenger and all of a sudden they change their passwords so you can see their messages or online chats, then chances are they are cheating on you and are trying to hide it.
- If your partner's friends are suddenly acting strange around you like they are hiding something or know something you don't know, chances are they know your partner is cheating on you. Especially if they seem very anxious or nervous when in the same room as you.
- Take note if your partner starts asking questions like, "If we broke up what would you do?" Or out of nowhere they start buying you gifts like flowers or jewelry to deal with their guilt.
- When your partner explains something to you, listen on how they reply to you rather than what they are saying. For example, if you ask how their day was and they suddenly go into a nervous rambling in detail of what happened to them in their day, chances are they are hiding something and are lying to you and they don't want you to know about it, so they have practiced what they were going to say to you. Also look at their body language, do they appear nervous or antsy?
Some Tips for You to Follow:
- Whenever you are trying to catch a cheater, always be very discreet. You don't want to let them know that you are on to them. Pace yourself in the questions, the gestures and investigating. Bide your time. The best way to catch a cheater is in the act of them cheating!
- Keep in mind that lower levels of intimacy and desire are signs that most likely indicate that your partner is cheating. Lower levels mean that they are more than likely giving their affections and attention to someone else.
- It helps if you know your partner well. Their personality, actions, mannerisms, etc. These will be a good indication of change in behaviors that may point out that they are cheating on you.
- When you do confirm that they are cheating, either by catching them in the act or having them confess to you, remember, once a cheater always a cheater!
Chapter 2 - How to Tell if Your Wife Is Cheating
If you are having that nagging feeling that your wife may be cheating on you and there are signs, chances are, you may be right! Maybe it’s been in her recent behavior and sudden behavior changes. Is she acting “off center”? Go with your instincts and investigate further.
I’ve listed some red flags for you to look for when investigating to try and confirm your suspicions.
- Keep an eye on how she is treating those around you whom you love and who care about you. Look at how she is around friends of yours. The reason why she may be acting this way is out of guilt. She may be worried that your friends and family will see right through her and realize that she is cheating on you and the hurt that will not only affect you, but her as well.
- Has she suddenly been going out with her girlfriends a lot? Or has she made a new girlfriend that she has been talking to a lot or spending time with, but you have never met this girl? Has she been spending time outside the home that doesn’t involve you and you have never been invited to join her? Chances are that she is spending time with her new man.
- Since women seem to have a stronger need to share and talk about things in their life and can be emotional about the things they talk about, listen and watch carefully at who she is talking about and what she is saying about her new friend. Is she smiling a lot when she speaks of this new person she has met? Does she seem to have a sense of romanticism in her words? Ask her what her friend's name is. Keep a memory of it. Ask her a week later again what her friend's name is, if she gives you a different name, then that should be a red flag. Chances are, the girl's name she has given you isn't a girl at all and she can't remember what name she had given you in the first place.
- Has your wife suddenly taken up smoking or drinking? Is she going out drinking a lot or coming home smelling of smoke which she has never done so before? If your wife despises smokers, but then all of a sudden has taken up the nasty habit herself, then that should be a good indication that maybe her new lover is a smoker and she has adopted his bad habit.
- Is she working late at night where she wasn't before? Is she suddenly going on weekend business trips that she has never gone on before? And when you try to call her at work, she doesn't answer or when she is away on her business trip is it hard to reach her on her cell phone? This change could indicate that she is having an affair and cheating on you.
- Take note that affairs cost money. Hotels or motels, dinners, etc... Has she been spending more money on these type of things? Has she been buying sexy underwear, bras and lingerie that she didn't before? And have you been able to see her in her new sexy outfits or is she being secretive about wearing them out? Check credit card bills or look for receipts that indicate an increase in spending habits.
- Keep an eye on her affections for you at home. Has she been pulling back from you? Are her affections non-existent? If your wife suddenly distances herself from you, then chances are that she is placing those affections on another man.
- Keep a close eye on her phone habits. If she is disappearing into your bedroom or the guest room for long conversations? Is she texting for an unusually long amount of time than she had been before? Women tend to like to spend a lot of time on the phone communicating, if there is an unusual amount of time, more than usual, that she is spending on the phone then be aware, she just may have a new lover in her life.
- Has your wife become critical of your behavior? If she nit-picks on you before, is she doing it more now? This could be how she is trying to justify her affair by creating things she doesn't like about you. Things she was able to overlook before, but is now blatantly pointing them out to you.
- Has there been any change in her sexual behavior? If she isn't showing you anything in the sexual department or she is avoiding your sexual advances, chances are, she is getting it from somewhere else.
- It's human nature not to make eye contact with someone if you are being dishonest with them. Is your wife avoiding making eye contact with you when you two have a conversation? Try looking into her eyes when you talk to her and see what her eyes tell you. If she doesn't make eye contact with you or if she avoids it all together chances are is that she is hiding something from you. More than likely, she is cheating on you.
- Is she spending unusually long amounts of time on the computer? When you come into the area when she is on the computer, does she try to hide the screen from you or does she quickly close out of the screen she is on? The number of cheating partners has grown over the years since the internet has become more accessible. There are even dating sites out there that cater to cheaters and people who are married who want discreet affairs. This is always something to keep an eye on when your wife is spending a long amount of time on her laptop or computer and is hiding what she is doing from you.
- If your wife is being very evasive with you, then she is probably cheating on you. Evasive behavior is a bad sign when it comes to cheating. If you ask your wife about things, like where she was or who she was with or where she is going and she is hiding the details about these questions or just evades the question all together, then she is more than likely having an affair.
- Is there a sudden change in her appearance? When a couple is married for a long period of time, they tend to be relaxed in appearance. Look for signs of your wife suddenly dressing up more, wearing more make-up, wearing a new perfume scent, buying lingerie that you never see her wear, etc... When she starts to tend to her appearance more, chances are it's not for you. Women always want to look their best when starting in a new relationship or an affair.
- Keep an eye out for shopping sprees. If your wife is buying a lot of clothes, sexy clothes at that, then she is trying to impress someone. Again, if she buying a lot of lingerie and she's not wearing it for you, then that is a sure sign that she has taken on a lover.
- If your wife suddenly takes an interest in working out at a gym or at home and she has never expressed interest before and especially has complained about working out. She could possibly be getting her body in shape for her new lover.
- She showers less at home. Yes. You heard it right. If your wife suddenly stops showering at home, especially when she comes home late from "working at the office", chances are that she is showering at her new lover's home... possibly even with him. She has to be showering somewhere, right?
- Smell her. Yes, if she has a hint of men's cologne on her, it may very well be her new lover's scent you are smelling.
All in all, use your good judgment and although seeing any of these signs may just be a coincidence, a combination of signs could very well point to a cheating and unfaithful wife. Go with your instincts, you know your wife better than anyone else!
Chapter 3 - How to Tell if Your Husband Is Cheating
He comes stumbling in late at night smelling of cheap perfume and booze, has he been cheating on you or has he just been hanging out at a bar all night drinking with his buddies? Sometimes one sign is hard to tell. I have listed some sure tell-all signs that your husband may be cheating on you. If you have a gut feeling that he is and you see the signs, chances are your hubby is sowing some wild oats and it's not with you! Go with your women’s intuition.
- You're sitting at home watching a movie with your husband and his cell phone rings and he tells you that he has to take the call in private. Since when did your husband start taking his calls in private? This is the first time he has done this to you. You think nothing of it. The next night around the same time, his cell phone rings and he excuses himself to take the call. Okay, see a pattern here? That just may be his new lover calling him to tell him good night.
- Earlier that day you had texted your husband with a phone number to call for a doctor's appointment. You seem to have misplaced the number for your records and your cell phone in box was full so you had deleted the sent folder. When you check your husband's cell phone, you realize that his texting history is empty. You think nothing of it. But, then you start noticing every day when you check his texts that his texting history is erased every day. Chances are that he is hiding something!
- You go to log in to your e-mail account and notice on the e-mail history that he has a new email account listed and he isn't using the usual password that he always uses for everything. Why would he need to have a secret account? He is definitely hiding something from you. Some more investigating is definitely needed!
- You have made plans to attend a barbecue at your parents’ home the upcoming weekend. The morning of the outing, your husband suddenly tells you that he can't make it because an unexpected something has happened at the office. Which is strange because this has never happened before. You think nothing of it, because there is a first time for everything, right? The following week there is a birthday dinner planned for your mother and at the last minute "something" comes up again where your husband has to go to the office for an undetermined amount of hours. You start to see a pattern of him cancelling on you at the last minute. He just may be spending that time at the office with his new lover.
- You are in the kitchen making breakfast and your husband comes down smelling good and looking clean shaved and announces that he is going to play racquet ball with his new friend he met. Since when does a man smell nice to go play racquet ball? You start to notice that whenever he mentions his "new friend" and an activity that they are going to participate together in, your husband is smelling rather nice and looking good for his new friend, something he has never done with any of his other friends when going to play a sport with them. Who is this new friend? You'd better investigate! Your husband could be cheating on you!
- You start receiving flowers or gifts that he only gives on birthdays and anniversaries. At first you are flattered and grateful and think nothing of it, but it becomes almost a weekly thing several times a day. Time to get suspicious, since when does your husband buy you presidents and send you flowers? Chances are he is feeling guilty about something he has done or is doing. Perhaps infidelity is one of them!
- He comes home late from the office and he smells of a different scent of soap. One that you do not buy. His clothes also smell of a woman's scent of perfume that isn't yours. Alert! More than likely he has been showering at his mistress' place with her brand of soap and that perfume you smell on him, is hers as well!
- You buy some sexy lingerie and get yourself all dolled up and are waiting for him when he gets home. But, he doesn't seem interested in having any intimate encounters with you and is repelling you by coming up with an excuse. Since when do men reject sex? Perhaps when they are getting it elsewhere!
- Take heed! Your husband is suddenly shopping for new clothes, keeping his car cleaner, looks happier and is going out more with his "friends". There just may be someone new in his life that he is looking good for.
- Your husband goes to the gym every night for an hour, but suddenly is now taking two or even three hours now? He tells you that he's started a new workout regimen that takes him longer than before, but you haven't noticed any changes in his body. It isn't at the gym he is working out, chances are he is working out on someone else!
- You never really argued before, but now your hubby seems to be starting arguments and fights with you in order to have an excuse to leave the house, more than likely going to his new lover's house. If this seems to be a recurring event, then investigate on exactly where he is disappearing to!
- Your hubby used to share everything with you, but now he is being really secretive about everything. Before he would tell you everywhere he is going, what he was doing, who he is going to be with, etc... Now it's like pulling teeth to find out information from him. He's definitely hiding something.
- If you detect some emotional changes in your hubby, he is probably more than likely fighting some demons within himself. Infidelity, perhaps is at the top of the list. Watch carefully and notice his mood swings. Is he overly happy when he gets off the phone after talking to a certain someone? When he comes home after being out for a few hours, is he distant from you? Look for these signs.
- Your presence seems to irritate him. He is more critical of you than he had been before or he is starting to become critical of you and he has never been before. Maybe he has become rude towards you and degrading and this is something he has never done before. You don't understand why all of a sudden he is so irate with you. This comes from inside him and he is more than likely angry with himself for his infidelity and maybe he is somehow blaming his guilt on you and trying to justify his affair somehow.
- He is away from home longer periods of time more than usual. He claims he is working more, but when you call his office, he doesn't answer. Either he isn't there, or he is having an office romance and is unable to answer his phone at the time. Has he hired a new secretary? Investigate this more.
- Has your husband suddenly become overly defensive and feels the need to be on the defense with you about everything? There is probably reason why he is on the defensive side. He is feeling guilty about something.
- You've noticed a change in his appearance. Is he buying designer clothes now, whereas before he didn't really care what he wore? He was wearing cotton boxers and is now buying silk boxers, or he is now buying dress shirts, when he was just wearing shirts before? He's dressing up for someone and there is a good chance it isn't you!
- Has your hubby suddenly been taking more business trips or if he hadn't before is now? When you call him when he is on these frequent business trips, is he always in a meeting and you can't reach him? And in the evening when you call him, is he not available because he claims to be at dinner with a colleague? Those business trips may not be business trips at all.
- He wants more "me" time and less "you and he" time. Has he suddenly taken up a new hobby that he is only involved in? Is he participating in more activities without you or not inviting you to join him as he once did before?
Although some of these signs may not be an indication that your husband is cheating in you, there may be a good chance that if you see more than one or two signs present in your marriage, he may have taken on a new lover or a mistress and it is time for you to investigate further. Make sure you have your evidence before making an assumptions and confronting him. Always have your eggs lined up just perfectly in a basket before the chicks begin to hatch!
Chapter 4 – How to Discover the Truth
There are two ways someone gets caught cheating, either by monitoring a spouse or accidental discovery. Most cheating and lying spouses are not found out by their spouse interrogating them. A high percentage of spouses who are caught cheating are found out by mistake.
The truth is found out at most times when a spouse comes home early from work or an outing and walks in on their spouse having sex with another partner. This is more common than not. Other times it's the finding of a receipt for flowers or an expensive dinner or even a hotel room that didn't involve themselves. Even a found parking ticket or unpaid parking ticket can reveal a spouse's time frame of their whereabouts.
If you're going to get down and dirty and partake in spousal monitoring, which in other terms is surveillance, to discover if your spouse is having an extra-marital affair or to catch them lying, there are some things that you need to know.
Some may ask and question themselves wondering if it is ethical to spy on their spouse. It is if they are lying and/or cheating on you. Fight fire with fire, as I always say.
Before you confront your spouse on cheating, just so other problems and issues don't arise, take some precautions and steps in order to cover your bases and be prepared for the confrontation.
- When you are surveying your spouse, always keep a notebook journal of your suspicious reports. Keep, dates, times, people involved, places, where your partner told you they were going to be, anything that will help your case when you are ready to confront your partner or spouse. Keeping also everything that was said to you about where they were going and who they were going to be with will come in handy later on as well, if you happen to find receipts, credit card bills, parking tickets, etc... later on down the road.
- Keep track of all phone calls as well. Whenever your partner or spouse takes a phone call and takes it out of the room or in private, monitor the call. Time it took place, duration, who they claimed they were talking to, etc... Then later on when the phone bill arrives, compare the notes.
- Plan a surprise visit to their work or office to see if they are nervous or with someone. Also, come home unrepentantly throughout the week. You can even tell them you are going to work late, but then come home early to see if you catch them in the act. Create opportunities to catch them.
- Write down their mileage. You know where they work and how many miles it is. If there are unexplained added miles on their car, write down the over mileage. Also track their credit card usage, bank statements (for ATM withdrawals) and other things that you can use later on.
- When you get the phone bill, look to see if there are an unusual amount of calls to and from a phone number. Call that number from a blocked ID and see who answers it.
- Monitor your spouse's computer activities, if they are on the computer a lot at home, by downloading software that monitors their computer usage and what sites they visit. If they are visiting dating sites frequently, that should be a good indication that they are cheating on you.
- When tracking them, use photos or video to also document their suspicious activities.
Once you have all the evidence, unless you caught them in the act at home, make sure you have everything you need to confront them. Keep in mind that more than likely when you do confront them, they will deny everything. That is where all your hard work of gathering evidence will have paid off and you will have them cornered with no other choice but to come clean of their affair. But, be prepared because once you find out, now you have to pick up the pieces and decide what to do about your relationship or marriage.
Resources for Catching a Cheating Partner
- Computer Monitoring Software will allow you to see and monitor everything your partner participates in online. It establishes a record of all their online activities.
- GPS Tracking Devices will track a vehicle's exact location twenty-four hours a day.
- Cell Phone Monitoring Applications will monitor your partner's cell phone activity.
- Google and search for your partner's name and online profiles. Also, if you have photos of them, you can use Google images to see where those photos are located, such as social media, dating sites, etc...
-If you know your partner is on a dating site, sign up for a fake profile and contact them anonymously on the dating site. You can catch them that way as well.