Diary Of A Suicide

 

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Entry 1 – September 1st

Dear Diary,

Why did this happen to me? I hate my new family, the family I have now lived with for 7 years. Ever since my mom and dad got a life sentence in jail for abusing me so badly, I have been trying so hard to cope with it all but my new family remind me of it every day. They never seem to understand that I don’t want to relive the moments of it all again. I constantly tell them to leave me alone but they don’t want to listen they just want to talk about it, like it matters but in reality they don’t even care at all. I know they don’t care, well my step brother made it clear he didn’t care. Everyone just pretends to care about me but all they feel is pity. I don’t need their pity. My mom and dad want me back so that they can beat me up all over again because I called the cops on them when I had enough of them pushing me around like a doll.

I just woke up from my sleep; they all heard me scream in my sleep. I have been doing that recently, since my dad had raped me, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. The fear and pain I had felt. It was the day that my life had been a huge disgrace, and knowing that my foster family know about it makes me feel disgusted. The hunger for my death is clawing it way through my memories. The memory of what I thought I’d be. I am at the bottom trying to climb my way to the top where I can be free. I wish I spent a childhood in a brighter room but I faced a dark room where all my tears have dropped into one place and flowed like a river. I have scars yet to heal. I wish I could pull myself together and hold on. I was a dreamer before you let me down and showed me the nightmares. Life gives me too many reasons to cry and less reason to smile. My real smile has faded forever its gone and won’t come back to me. Wasted tears, open cries, sad lies, unfinished tries, left behind, the memories tie, moments fly, and I realise I’ve been left alone with dying tides.

I just have no idea what to do anymore. I have lost hope in myself. I feel like a let-down and I feel so dirty. I can’t even look at myself without frowning or leaving a bad comment. Everything inside me that was happy had disappeared with the sadness that had built up in my body. I am a person who is half-hidden i have the secrets of a person full of pain. I am a person full of mystery that nobody could see or notice. You might be able to tell if I am sad or hurt but the story behind my feeling is remained silent. There is a reason behind every single one of my tears each full of different meaning. Such meanings that couldn't be told it’s just all full of pain and hurt yet nobody knows. Well now I get to express how I really feel, I feel like a burden on everyone like I don’t even belong, like I am not wanted ever since I had come here I don’t even belong in this family. They are so different from me; they don’t know how I really feel, like I had said it is all pity talk. They don’t know what real pain feels like; they don’t know what being scared for life really feels like.

Every day when I go to school it’s like everyone knows what happened to me, people realise how broken I am. I bet my foster brother Ben told everyone. Some girl called me a slut because I got raped. That doesn’t make me a slut, it makes me a victim but they don’t understand anything. It’s like talking to the dead; they don’t even know anything when they are dead. Talking to complete clueless people. Now I am classed as a slut at school, life is so hard on me it’s like the universe hates me and I blame my real family.

 

 

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Entry 2 – September 2nd

Dear Diary,

It was horrible today, this guy pulled me into a closet at school and did what my dad did, and I ran home and cried so much. My ‘mom and dad’ asked what happened and before I could even answer and tell them exactly what happened, Josh told them that I had sex and the guy left me cause I wasn’t good enough. He fucking raped me and they believed him, I am not like this. They knew how I was scared to even touch let alone look at a guy, yet they believed him. This wasn’t even fair at all. I get raped then I get blamed for it.

People at school found out, they even made a page on Facebook and called it This Slut. They had my picture and number on it. I have been having constant guys calling me and telling me to have sex with them, I refuse but when I come to school they all take turns to rape me. But no one ever believes me because when I tell the principle what is going on, everyone backs up the guys just because I am apparently a slut. I feel so exposed and hurt inside that everyone thinks that treating me like this is ok. I have no friends and my foster family hate me and look at me like I am some cheap whore off the streets with nothing better to do in life and sometimes I feel like agreeing, I am too weak to even fight them off. I look vulnerable to everyone, an easy target.

Being a victim of rape isn’t something I want to live with; I had to constantly take pills to stop myself from becoming pregnant. It was so hard for me in school and out of school too. It was hard for me to be victim of cyber-bullying, bullying, rape and abuse.

 There was a time where I was stupid enough to believe that the schools hottest Jock had fallen in love with me, but he a player. He pretended to love me and he raped me, when I didn’t listen to him he would hurt me physically and leave on the floor crying. He never even glanced at me with love and adoration, it was hate and lust. That is how all the guys looked at me. I guess I fell for it because I was curious to know what it’s like to be loved and cared for, yet I still don’t know what that feels like. I have never gotten the chance to experience what love feels like. He even told people that he was trying to have a solid relationship with me and when he had finally tried to give me love and stop his player ways, I was being a slut and he caught me having sex with his cousin. That never did happen, he raped me and abused me, but when I told people they never believed me. Of course they wouldn’t believe me. I’m a nobody. People named me a ‘slut’ and that is the name I couldn’t escape from either. It was stuck to me like super glue.

No one cared that I had gotten raped I was apparently the biggest slut the school has ever had, I was not even proud of it like actual sluts would be. Why? Because I’m not one at all. I can’t believe that my own foster brother, Ben is letting this happen to me, he doesn’t help me, and he laughs along with the rest. But sometimes I see guilt in his eyes but my eyes may be deceiving me and he probably doesn’t even give a damn about me. I mean like he has never liked me so why would he now. He knew the exact age that I had gotten raped, I was 7 years I was a little girl who couldn’t fight against my dad yet he had told them that I was 13 and I was strong then, but I never was.

A new girl had recently started school; she is following the crowd and already knows the whole story. She doesn’t even get to talk to me and get to know me, she is already prejudging me. I have always thought that being in a foster home would be something better than being constantly beaten up and it really isn’t. I’d rather be beaten up to a point where I can’t even lift a finger, rather than being raped everyday without people here by my side. They invite me to parties because if I don’t they would all hurt me and abuse me, in the end I get used as a sex toy, I never deserved this. Haven’t I suffered enough?  

 

No one will ever help me

No one would ever believe me

No one will ever accept me

People would look at me as a slut

The girl who is weak

The girl no one cares about. 

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Entry 3 – September 7th

Dear Diary,

Today was definitely the best day ever, I didn’t go to school, and however people did say things about me on Facebook. They all thought that I had gotten some kind of disease, or that I had died. Why can’t the world and the people in it just leave me alone? It not like they even care about me, so if they don’t care about me why pick on me anyways? It makes no sense to pick on a person they don’t care about, like if they don’t care then leave me the hell alone. People nowadays are just followers and attention seekers.

But guess what diary this will shock you like it had shocked me too. There was a Facebook page that was on my side and was supporting me, but who would do that for me?  Everyone hates me and now they hate the account too. There were comments like ‘why are you on the sluts side?’ there was no reply except a picture of the guy doing something to a girl; it didn’t show clearly though diary, but the guy didn’t say anything further he just signed off. I never understood why people hated me and now I don’t even know why people want to help me. I’m not used to it, people helping me; it could be a trick because no one loves me, they all know I’m a vulnerable person so they might be doing this as some kind of prank. ‘No one can love you, you’re not a lovable a person’ well that is what Ben said and I do believe it.

When I don’t come to school everyone assumes I’m dead or something happened to me and I am pregnant or I got some kind of disease. Then when I go into school people are sad because I am alive, they call me a monster for killing the ‘apparent’ baby or a walking STD for being a slut. I wish I was dead, I’d be happy, if I could die, I would die happy for once. Be free from the world.

Ben came home from school and he smiled at me, he actually smiled at me diary, but I didn’t smile back at him. He was always mean to me even if I wanted to smile back which I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to I’ve lost my smile, I’ve lost the reason to smile. I smiling isn’t something in life I could see me doing. I was too shocked to even smile at him anyways. He even sat next to me and he wanted to talk, but I got too scared I ran up to my room and locked the door, he chased me. He is still banging on the door. Ben doesn’t want to leave me alone; he might rape me or abuse me. He has been out there for 2 hours; he never cared about me so why would he even want to talk to me. He might want to have sex but for me that would be rape, because I don’t want it. I never wanted to live a life like this, like how I am now I just want some kind of happiness.

John and Diana my foster parents are both cows. They didn’t bother to make me food nor even look at me today. It has been like this. The neighbours had found out about me at school being a slut, so they have been bad mouthing me and that made them embarrassed to even make the slightest contact with me. I have locked myself in my room and I refuse to even leave my room. My wrists sting from the cuts I have made on my wrists. I have been punishing myself for letting people walk over me. I kept cutting myself. I went to my bathroom in my and kept cutting, it was my only resolution, cut myself till I bleed out and die. It’s better this way. I kept cutting all over my body, the body I have hated my whole life, the body that let people rape me. I couldn’t even push them off I am too weak. I cut on my;

  • Wrist
  • Stomach
  • Back
  • Legs
  • Arms

I was disgusted with myself. I was bleeding a lot but I didn’t care the slightest bit I just laid in the bathtub with the water from the shower spraying down on me. It was washing away the blood from my stinging wrists. I remember every bit and here I am 5 days later out of the hospital. I wanted the shower to wash out the pain and drain it down but that didn’t work out. The stinging sensation got rid of my pain, it made me stop thinking about the times I had suffered. It made me feel free from everyone.

But Ben had saved me, he took me to the hospital and by the time I had got there I passed out. I woke up 2 days later the doctors told me I could have died from the loss of blood. Josh looked worried but he knew how badly I wanted to die. I couldn’t remember what happened while I was at the hospital sadly because I passed out. The thing that bothered me was that Ben had seen me in my bra and boxers. I feel like he had violated me by carrying me, I would prefer his dad to carry me, even if I hated them both I would have preferred John over Ben any day to carry me to the hospital.

I had to stay home for a week away from school. The doctor said to my foster parents that they had to look after me because I am suicidal, I wouldn’t have to be suicidal if people actually cared and leave me the fuck alone but that isn’t an option them. Well diary I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you bye diary. Until tomorrow. 

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Entry 4 – September 8th

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Entry 5 – September 9th

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Entry 7 - September 11th

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Entry 6 – September 10th

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Entry 8 - September 25th

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Entry 9 - September 26

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