The Disaster Within Me

 

Tablo reader up chevron

Sinful Nature

 I know you're so wrong

And this shouldn't feel right

Having you running at the end of the night

Fogging the mirrors

Opening the scars

Giving myself

For no reason at all

You make me feel good

In only psychical ways

Emotionally

You could drown me

If I admit you access to pain

I don't run away

Instead I run to

I've already dealt with someone like you

So maybe that's why I seem incredibly enticed

You're playing naughty

While I'm playing nice

You leave me marks

But perhaps that's why I'm always left wanting more

Craving attention

Craving a please

You're right in front while I'm down on my knees

I put in the work

For rounds and rounds

And then you leave

Leave me in town

You hit me up hours after the fact

It's funny you think you're good like that

I see through your lying

I know that you tease

I know your type 

Yet I'm down on my knees

The sexual gratification you give

The mutual understanding when we're only kids

The roughness

The tension

The release 

The pain

The dominance 

And the moans of you calling my name

Giving myself just a little each night

I try to fight 

But I'm submissive each time

I trace your body with the tip of my tongue

Tonight we're enjoying the joy of being young

The scratches 

The pulling

The gasps of our breaths

The workout we give with every step

I know you're forbidden

And I am just Eve

But here I am still

Even though you're not what I need

You reopen stitches and cut open scars

Im a walking disaster 

And you are the cause

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Suicidal Tendencies

 I saw the grief

I saw the disbelief that settled around everyone over me when the news came that you were gone 

I saw the disbelief that came with shock when we learned you died by your own hand

I saw the people around me try so hard to fight to stay strong 

The people around me struggle with pain you only temporarily passed onto other people

I see the hurt in everyone's eyes behind a fake painted on smile

I see them bottling up emotion after emotion and stacking it on the shelf on the wall

I see all the puzzling questions their minds have replayed over and over

Why did you do it

Was there something I could've done

And finally the blame that they pass to themselves 

I should've known

I see your dog anxiously waiting for you to arrive back home but not realizing that you aren't coming back

and I see everyone breaking down at memories that once made them smile and laugh

I see how the ones who loved you more than life itself can barley eat or even sleep

They try to close their eyes but when they're eyelids shut the image of your face immediately comes to mind and they're tossing and turning and finally WAKEUP and realize again that you're gone

Then I see the tears

The tears they're trying to hold back against the huge storm of realization and pain

I see the anger that manifests itself because they think crying is a sign of weakness so those emotions become to much

I see all these people who care and who share so many wonderful things they will miss about you and I wonder if you knew

I've felt the pain

I've been so broken and confused that I just curled up and cried the entire day

I've hated myself so much that I avoided mirrors just so I wouldn't get sick to my stomach at the reflection that looked me back

I've believed all the cruel things anyone's ever said and put myself down for not being good enough for them 

I've took the paper and the pencil and wrote the letter that I surly thought would be my last

I took the entire bottle of pills, and took the rope, I've tried to pull the trigger

I've felt so much pain inside that eventually one day I became numb

I've screamed and yelled at god for putting me here as the tears streamed down my eyes like rivers and demanded to know why I was put here and why my life and suffering seems to be so funny to him

I've felt completely and utterly alone and I've wondered time after time If anyone at all would care if I was gone

I've been in the hospital bed

Being pricked with needle after needle and asked a million questions

Being watched heavily like a lab rat

I've seen the pain behind my mothers eyes and the relief when the doctors said I'll be fine

I've felt the absolutely joy of not being successful

Because I never knew the future that was waiting for me

I've felt and experienced the love of someone who cares 

I've been the cause of so many smiles

and made so many memories that I would've never had

I've experienced the broken heart

I've blamed myself for why you decided you had to leave

I've racked my mind with questions of what if and if I'd only done this

I've been so angry and hurt because such an amazing person felt like they had no choice

I've cried the tears

I couldn't hold it inside

I couldn't take the pain

For months after I planned on taking my life as well

The pain was unbearable

I see the stone

and as I lay here I can only wish that you knew what an impact you had on everyone when you were alive

I can only wish you could've seen how many lives you affected beautifully and known that your future was bright 

I feel the longing EVERYTIME I think of you

So much time has passed yet the pain and confusion still remains

Such a permanent fix to something that seems so trivial now that you aren't coming back

I know you wouldn't want me to be sad

I know you wouldn't want me to carry the blame that I do

But how am I supposed to smile and be guilt free when I feel as though if only I were there that things would be different

That instead of looking at old photos of you and crying my eyes out

You'd be here in front of my eyes and we'd be laughing

That instead of this emptiness I feel

We'd go to the pizza place and it would be replaced because I was only hungry then

I didn't feel the horrible ache and yearn for you that I have now

Maybe instead I could close my eyes and sleep peacefully

Instead of closing them and seeing you as you were and knowing you will never be that way again

They tell me heaven is beautiful and I wish I could ask you,

I just wish I could talk to you one more time,

I just wish you knew

What an important place you held In the lives of those you thought you burdened

And god I’d tell you a million times just how much you’re worthy

You were loved but you couldn’t see

The pain clouded your mind

I can’t blame you for that

But I just wish I knew ahead of time

To this day you amaze me in all things we shared

All the hopes and dreams and wishes

That are no longer there

You live throughout my memory

And I won’t lie sometimes it haunts me

Cause I just choke on the thought of you never coming back 

And god my heart breaks everytime 

The pain I wish I could’ve took

So that you did not feel burdened 

For I would do whatever it takes just to see you one last time

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

The night that changed me

 I wish I could go back to that night and never enter the room


But I was naive and only 14 and unaware of what you would do



I wish with everything I could go back and stop myself from listening to your lies


Or that for once I could look you in the eye and  tell you you can’t run away this time.



I wish I would’ve just stayed in bed and not snuck up those stairs



A piece of my innocence lost within the sheets of your pillowtalk 

That begun a life of hurt and despair


I wish I could scream how much I hate you

But the words won’t escape my lips



How sick it is that a 28 year old man took advantage of a child like this



That song diamonds on the floor replays over and over and it doesn’t stop

I can’t hear that without it taking me back to that spot



I wish I could protect the girl I was that night



You told me you loved me and you’d be the only one

At the time I thought you were right



I wish I could go back and stand up to you for how you made me feel

How it felt to receive that happy birthday note

And to sleep in my bed after the whole ordeal


I wish you could break like you broke me

My birthday was never the same

After what you did to me

I wish I could hold the person I use to be

Tell her it’s alright 

That she’ll continue to fight 

And that she grows stronger from this



I wish I wouldn’t of told her

Because she didn’t believe

She told me it was my fault

I tore my family apart

And sided with you for everything




How sick is it that I felt guilty for what you did to me

A little girl with no protection from the world

Just craving love and intimacy


How wrong you were this entire time 

Because you underestimated me

You thought I would break

And for awhile it did take

But I grew up stronger and more aware



I got news that you’re slowly dying

And god at first it felt so sweet

That sweet revenge kissed you on the lips

And made you suffer for what you did to me


I would be justified in saying I hate you

And wishing you death and hell

But I search for emotion and all I can find

Is sadness with the anger that once lied there.

I regret not taking action 

And making you pay for your crimes

Because what if you did it to someone else

I don’t think I could live with that this time


You took a little girl

And groomed her to fit your wants

You stole the last piece of innocence and did what many did before

And violated her trust in everyone



I wish I could go back that night

And stop myself from walking up those stairs

For what awaited me in my room was cold and cruel

And I was never the same from there.

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

A father that was never there

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Homicidal tendencies

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

hat was never ther

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Chaotic emotions

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Growing pains

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Hippie love

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Sexual abuse

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

I was touched without permission

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

A heart that’s beaten

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Our memories

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

You are not alone

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Father figure

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Bad relationships

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Missing you

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

A heart once broken

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

sion is bac

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

My depression is back

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Chaotic storm

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Chaotic Storms

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Binge eating

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Mentally unwell

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...

Mentally unwell

Comment Log in or Join Tablo to comment on this chapter...
~

You might like Haley Marie Duke's other books...