Everyone tells me funerals help with grieving process, but I think those people are full of crap. If anything, they make you more depressed than you already are.
I stare at my brothers casket as we gather around the gravesite. A few inches of snow covers the ground around us and I shiver at the cold breeze biting at my skin. Dad blows his nose and I glance over and see mom crying into the shoulder of his coat. I’m not sure how she even has tears left.
I know I’m supposed to feel something. Anything. Relief that Lukas is out of pain. Anger that he was taken so early from us. Sadness that I’ll never hear his laugh or see his smiling face again.
Instead I feel only a hollow emptiness inside my chest. He took part of me with him. I can already feel the hole he left behind, waiting for someone to fill it. But I know no one can ever take place of my best friend.
Mom grabs myself arm and gives it a squeeze. She holds out a tissue but I don’t take it. I haven’t cried since the night at the hospital. The night he left us. I know so much emotion is built up inside of me, looking for a chance to escape, but for some reason I can’t, no, won’t let it out. Something’s wrong with me.
Dad wraps an arm around around my waist. I don’t move. My arms are like weights at my side. Lifeless. Like Lukas.
Mom says something to me and presses a long stemmed rose into my hand. I stare at it and say nothing. I’ve always hated flowers at funerals. They’re supposed to make you feel happy. Not depressed.
People move by me one by one toward the casket and place their roses on top. As I watch then, my fist closes and I crush the delicate petals of my flower onto my palm. The maimed rose slides from my fingers and drops to the ground.
I can’t handle this. Everyone is so sad. Red faces, puffy eyes. The world seems to move I slow motion as dad places his rose on the casket. Mom does the same. My breath catches as I notice everyone staring at me, waiting for me to do something. Anything.
Dad urges me coward to take my turn, but my feet defuse to move. He keeps his hand on my back and I take a deep breath before I look up at him. His eyes are sad as the fall in the pieces of rose at my feet. He doesn’t say anything about it, just grabbed my hand and meets my gaze, but the look he gives me while his eyes fill with tears is more that I can handle. I have to get out of here I step away from him, take on last look at the casket, and turn around.
“Oakley? Where are you going?” Dad asks.
I don’t answer just push past him and move through the crowd as my heart hammers in my chest. Mom calls my name. Dad called for me, too. I keep walking and don’t look back.
My parents are arguing again. Mom quit her job at the bank. It didn’t go over very well with Dad, who has thrown himself into his job like a madman. I know they’re both grieving in their own ways but they should talk to each other about it, not fight. Fighting gets you nowhere.
I listen to their raised voices for a moment and put on my headphones when Mom starts crying. I can’t handle hearing her son all night again, so I turn my iPod on and music blast in my ears. Nothing like a bunch of of guitars and screaming to drown out my parents and my own thoughts. If I can’t hear them, they’re not there.
I lie on my bed and stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars that light up the ceiling. Lukas bought them for me for my sixteenth birthday. He even made his own constellation out of them and called it Luka Major. Stupid, but funny. It makes me miss him even more.
The light flips on and I turn my head to see Mom standing in the doorway. I pause my music and sit up.
“Sorry,” she says. “I knocked but you didn’t answer.”
I shrug. “It’s fine.” My voice is hoarse. It was hard for me to say those two words. I haven’t spoken since the funeral three days ago, and no one’s really spoken to me either.
She hesitates in the doorway it finally comes to sit on the edge of my bed. “Oakley,” she starts. She takes a deep breath and reaches out to tuck my dark hair behind my ear. I pull away from her touch. After all the time and energy she’s spent on my brother the past few years, it’s foreign to me. “Your father and I have been talking. I’ve decided to go and live with Aunt Jo for a while. Maybe just till summer. I need some time . . .” She swallows and blinks back the moisture in her eyes. “I need some time away from here for a while.”
“Okay . . .” I say. Great. She’s abandoning me. First Lukas, now her. I breathe in and out. I still don’t feel much. Just empty.
“I wanted to see if . . . well . . .” She smoothes my hair down, and though I consider protesting, I let her. “Honey, I want you to come with me.”
My heart races. “You’re not getting divorced, are you?” I pray she says no. I can handle anything else going wrong. Not now. Not when I need at least some normalcy in my life.
She shakes her head. “No. Your father and I are fine. We just . . . grieve differently.” The way she says it confirms that they are not fine. She takes a shaky breath. “Anyway, just think about coming with me, okay? You don’t have to be in school since you graduated early, and you don’t have a job or anything. I think it could be good for you to get away from everything.”
I think about her offer. Even though I’ll miss Dad, I’d love to get away. I could leave my depressing life behind for the spring and maybe heal a little before I have to decide what to do with my life. College and all that crap. I’ll leave my house and put all the memories of Lukas and my old friends and their whispers behind my back. It would be nice to get away from it all. Away from the uncomfortable silence whenever I see anyone who knows me. I know they aren’t sure what to say; I mean what do you say to someone who jut lost her brother. Even if they have something to say, I’m not sure I’d want to hear it anyway.
“Remember, Jo lives in California now, if that makes a difference. Huntington Beach. She has a really nice house with room to spare.”
I crack a smile. It feels strange on my lips but it’s a start. If I go with Mom, I could use my camera again. The thought of taking pictures comforts me. Just a little. I turn toward her and meet her eyes. “Okay,” I whisper.
She puts her arms around me in a awkward hug. I’m not sure what to do with my own arms, so I lift one and softly pat her back. Physical contact has been nonexistent with her for a while now. She’s not the touchy-feels type. We get along well enough, but for her to hug me . . . I’m sure it takes a lot.
“We’re going to be okay, she says. It sounds like she’s trying to reassure herself more than me. She pulls away, pats my leg, and stands. “We’re leaving tomorrow morning, so you’d better start packing. I’ve already booked the flights.”
I frown. That doesn’t surprise me at all. “So . . . you were going to drag me there whether I wanted to go or not?”
She shrugs. “I think it will me good for you. For us.”
I want to say something else but I don’t have enough energy as thoughts of Lukas pop into my head. Instead, I swallow the lump in my throat, give her a quick nod, and she leaves me alone.
Spending the next few months with Aunt Jo might be a good thing. She’s a marine biologist or veterinarian or something, so maybe she will distract me with some of her work. And I’ve never been to a real beach before since our family doesn’t really leave the state of Utah. The only beach place I’ve been to is Antelope Island. This tiny island in the middle of the Great Salt Lake that’s covered with mosquitoes, flies, and brine shrimp. As for animals, I’m sure there are a few antelope here and there, but I’ve never seen any. Just a whole lot of buffalo. Antelope Island . . . covered in buffalo. Go figure.
A real beach. The thought sounds amazing. I’ve only seen pictures of Aunt Join the ocean. I’d love to have some photos of my own to hang on my wall. I climb off my bed and go look for a suitcase. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough.
My ears pop as we land in California. Mom grabs her carry-on from the overhead compartment and passes me my guitar. I already have my backpack on my lap. We both keep our jumbled thoughts to ourselves. When the line starts to move, I stand, and we follow the crowd and exit the stuffy plane.
Aunt Jo is waiting for us at baggage claim. She runs to Mom and they hug forever, even though they saw each other at the funeral four days ago. Everyone around us is staring, so I move away from them and wait for our suitcases to come down the chute and into the turnstile. I don’t want to talk about Lukas, so I let them have a moment to themselves.
“How are you doing, Oakley? You hangin’ in there?”
I flinch at Jo’s hand on my shoulder. “I’m good.” I grab my suitcase as she lets go. I don’t miss the look she gives Mom.
They’re worried about me. They can see through the fake smile I put on for everyone who asks how I’m doing. I don’t know why I pretend everything’s okay when clearly it’s not. Lukas is gone. How can anything be okay when he’s not here? He was the only person in my life that I could count on.
“Oakley, honey, you ready?” Mom looks over at me with a sad but hopeful smile.
“Yes.” I throw my backpack over my shoulder and my guitar over the other and follow them to the car, dragging my suitcase behind me.
The drive to Jo’s house is quiet. I study her and my mom for a while. It’s weird that there even sisters. They look nothing alike. Mom’s short dark hair is neat and straight , while Jo’s is long with light wild curls. Mom is pale with soft skin, and Jo is tan and rough-looking from being outside all the time. I look at Mom. Dark hair and pale skin. Sort of like death.
There’re so different. Their lives especially. Mom married Dad when she was only nineteen. They were high school sweethearts. Obviously it isn’t working out to well. I wonder why Jo never married, but I don’t ask. I’m not in the mood for conversation.
Jo’s house is beautiful. It’s right across the street from the beach. There are windows everywhere. Huge rectangular windows that face the ocean. I’ve always dreamed of living in a house like this. It seems so peaceful. Safe from whispers and gossip. Just what I need.
“You like it?” Jo asks.
I meet her eyes in the rearview mirror and smile. “It’s perfect.”
She puts the car in park and glances at Mom for a second befor looking at me again. “I fixed one of the guest rooms up for you so you’ll have some privacy while you’re here. I remember what it was like being a teenager. And your mom told me you like your space. Hopefully you can call it your home away from home for a while.” She gives me a wink before she gets out.
I open the door and step outside as well, breathing in the salty air. It’s strange and different from what I’m used to back home, but right and wonderful at the same time. This is where I’m supposed to be right now and I’m so happy I came.
Palm trees peak around the edge of the house and I have the sudden disorder to climb one. I breathe in the ocean air again and grin. For some reason I feel lighter than before. Like all my troubles will magically melt away the moment I step into that beautiful house. But as memories of the past few weeks slam into me again, I realize the depressing fact that fantasy never wins over reality. Even when it should.
We unload our bags and I follow Jo and Mom up the front steps. Jo opens the door and Mom steps back so I can go in first. My jaw drops as I look around.
The inside is gougeous. Sunlight spills in through the windows, making is almost as bright as outside. The rooms are open. Not stuffy or crowded, but roomy. I’m surprised by Jo’s color choice. The furniture is white, with yellow flowers and throw pillows at accent the living room. A perfect choice for a house like this.
I drop my bags near the door for a moment and take my time walking around the ground room, admiring the little seashells accenting the tables. Of course there’re not plastic. They’re very real, and that makes me happy.
Moms heels click on the white tile floor and echos through the house. She turns around and smiles. “Jo, I live it,” she says. “It’s amazing.”
“Thanks. It was a bunch of work fixing it up, but I think it turned out nicely.” Jo smiles and turned to me. “Your room is the last one on the left if you want to check it out.”
I grab my bags as I make my way down the hall and open my bedroom door. My eyes widen as I see how big it is. A bed dominates most of the room, with a dresser and mirror across from it. The same sort of decoration are in here as well. Seashells on the glass nightstand near the bed and a few pictures of the ocean hung up on the walls. I throw my backpack on the ground and set my guitar on the bed. My fingers skim the pretty white bedspread. It’s not quite my style, since my room back home is decorated with orange, pink, and lime green, but it works.
I glance around and notice a walk-in closet. Nice. Not that I have a ton of clothes, but still. My favorite part of the room is the French doors that lead outside to a small covered patio. I peek out the window and grin. There’s a hammock and lounge chair and a huge swimming pool. It’s nice and blue. Clean. I wonder it Jo has a pool man, since she obviously makes a ton of money to live in a place like this.
I walk around for a while and go through the fence to the front yard. It’s surreal to be so close to the ocean. My feet start walking in their own and I cross the street and head toward the sand and waves. My first time ever at a beach, and I’ve heard Huntington is really nice.
My flip-flops are covered I sand so I slip them off. I smile at the feel of the sand between my toes. Again, I feel safe. Free. Ready for a new beginning.
The beach is different than I imagined. In all the pictures I’ve seen, there are always a ton of people lying on the sand, tanning. I look around. There aren’t a lot of people out at all. At least not today. An older couple sits a few yards away under big umbrellas. The lady is reading a book and the man I assume is her husband I’d tsking a nap. A few people are playing volleyball further down the beach and there are some surfers bobbing in the water.
It’s like heaven. I walk until I feel the icy ocean watch touch my feet. It sends a little shock through my body, but I don’t care. It’s awesome. After a few minutes of watching the tiny waves roll up around my ankles while my feet sink into the mud, I walk back up the beach and sit down in the sand. It’s warm, but a cool breeze carcasses my skin. Fascinated, I watch the waves crash into the beach and the surfers riding them so effortlessly.
I sink my toes deeper into the sand and smile. I think I’m going to like it here.