ragged beauty

 

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PART I: UN DIA A LA VEZ

Where were we were going that day on the freeway? I had no idea. All I know is I was languishing in the car which seemed like an ambulance stuck in traffic. My mom tried consoling me by singing, “Un día a la vez, Dios mío/ es lo que pido de ti/ dáme la fuerza para vivir/ un día a la vez./ Ayer ya pasó, Dios mío/ mañana quizas no vendrá/ dáme la fuerza para vivir/ un día a la vez."

Knowing I had only to live un dia a la vez, one day at a time, and not a drag of an existence, alleviated part of my suffering; my mom's singing was not in vain. 

 

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Hell on Earth

I felt hell had come to Earth 

I felt like Jesus was going down to hell again to rescue the souls that belonged to Him, including me. I felt like the whole world was suffering spiritually, and that I especially was being preyed upon by the Enemy of souls for some reason.

I wasn't hungry yet ate as if I had to eat for the poor children of the world, "Eat for your Great-grandmother in Honduras who loves you so much," Mom coaxed me to drink and eat and Horchata and half a hamburger.

I saw a great eagle out there in the arid mountains. This dark eagle was to my left. To my right, I imagined a great white eagle: it was the battle between evil and the Light; I was caught in between.

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BACK DOOR

As we waited for a doctor in the check-up room at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.

My Dad massaged my back for a while, in the check-up room at Harbor because I was tense from hardly ever sleeping. My Dad’s hands soothed me as if he had secret powers. After the massage, my Dad revealed something wrapped up in a white napkin, from his cap with his keys, pen, and cell phone. It was the half of some kind of sandwich. It was for me. It was so good, I ate slowly to not waste it. I told my mom this was the best food I had ever tasted, and really I meant it. My mom remarked to my dad about how much I loved him that even this simple salami with Swiss cheese sandwich was the best thing ever for me.

Finally a doctor came. He asked me questions I could not answer as I was in a daze, so my parents answered for me. As the doctor with nice blue eyes drew blood from my left arm, I hallucinated a lion with wings in my blood and other things, floating beneath my skin. They were testing my blood to see if I had any drugs in my system. I knew I didn't. What I had was on a spiritual level, and not on a tangible one. I can still recall the moment the needle was poked beneath my skin. This pain was nothing compared to the pain I had had to endure on those sleepless paranoid nights back at the apartment on Vernon Street. My muscles were rigid, my neck tight, overall my body was stiff. I literally felt like there were demons inside my bones, ever since that old medicine-woman said, “she has the Devil,” and didn’t let me inside her house through the front door. 

 

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E=MC SQUARED

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DINING AT HARBOR-UCLA MEDICAL CENTER

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AM I THE VIRGIN?

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LETTUCE ANGELS

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A letter my Mom wrote to God for me

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A LETTER from my older sister while at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center

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SWEATING COLD

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Roses, red roses, my mother hated me drawing them

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DIVINA JUSTICIA

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LOS QUIERO MUCHO

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INSIDE ROOM 811

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NIGHTINGALE ELVIS

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HATH-A-RA-HASHARA

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GABRIEL'S SONG

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LEAVING AND BLOOMING

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PART II: PARANOIA

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LAST TRAIN HOME

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The Ice Queen

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Accordion Therapy & FROZEN

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a u t o b i o g r a p h y (anagram)

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EVERYONE HAS A NUMBER

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PART III: THIS AWAKENING

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PART IV: READY TO BE ME

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MY WORST YEAR

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IT WAS A TIME WHEN I WASN'T MYSELF

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WHAT COUNTS

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I WAS THE GIRL WHO WANTED A PHOENIX TATTOO

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RAGGED BEAUTY

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MY FATHER BELIEVES IN ME

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MOTHER AS TEACHER

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SISTER OF POETRY, MOTHER OF LIFE

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i wish no one was ever called "crazy"

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LOS ANGELES CRYING

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From the Tomb to the Wind, I rise

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~

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