DEDICATED TO WOMEN LIKE ME WHO THOUGHT NO-ONE WOULD READ
WHAT THEY WROTE
SIT DOWN AND START WRITING TODAY
Sarah read the letter and gasped.
She had wanted to fail this.
"Change!” I swivel abruptly to catch it, laughing at me, but it is positive.
Pregnant! At 45? More chance of being run over, or collapsing of a heart attack, which, if I do not relax could happen.
How do I tell him? He is stressed if he cannot find his charger, has a breakdown if we have no milk. We do it once a month if I am lucky. I have a low libido,his is lower, and he pulls out for Christ’s sake. He stops a rhythm just to do the rhythm method. This cracks me up, I laugh hysterically. I calm myself. I have to pay for ‘it’. ‘IT’ what a word, this will never be an ‘it ’to me and if ‘it’ had come years ago I'd have been delighted. However, it did not, I can hardly move on a good day.We are too old.
One more look, no, still the same. I will go to the doc tomorrow he will have a laugh since last month he tested to see if I was menopausal, hang on,that’s 'it', a false reading, changing hormones. Alarm bells stop pealing. What is this? That face in the mirror. Bloody tears, silly cow, you are too old, stop dreaming. I hide it, wipe my eyes, and plaster a smile on my face.
I only looked every half hour even though I want to stare relentlessly. Rang the doc’s the earliest appointment I can get is six tomorrow. That is a long time staying quiet.
Only getting around to the other fella now my 26 year old, what is he going to think? I joked that I would wait until he was old enough to babysit but this is mortifying. His dad died when he was a baby and for so long it was the two of us until the hubby.
The hubby, he is new, only two years now. I waited until middle age,think I made a mistake.Probably my mid-life crisis, cracks are showing and now this...this is not the plastering needed. Suddenly, decision is made, if I am pregnant, I am leaving. Going somewhere new, just disappearing. I do not want pitying smiles, 'at her age' nods. I will tell the men in my life, my son is still not working he might enjoy pastures new. The hubby? Well it will be up to him. I love him, but how long will that last, he is unhappy these days. He can get up and leave for hours on trips to his married friend, who I know he has not seen in months. He is chasing his own demons.
I stumble and protectively place a hand on my stomach. What a turnaround, if I sneak up on it now, I would hope it is positive.
My hubby will be a good dad, his first. I am not ready for the menopause, I smile knowingly, and the doc’s test is now a foregone conclusion. ‘It’ is going to beloved, and if needs must I have been a single parent before, I can do it again, with more patience this time.
Ah I loves me aul bike gets me from a to b and keeps me old bones moving. I especially love cycling down to the beach especially on days like today when I need my coat and shawl. This weather tests your mettle, it will show what your made of as it will be almost deserted except for other brave souls or fools depends on your point of view.
It must be the Piscean in me I adore anything to do with the sea, soothes my inner being. My mam must have know I would and again showed the sense of humor she was famed for when she called me LunaSea. Some would say that in the old days I lived up to that name many a time. There’s nothing to match the calmness that enters my head space when I'm down here, although the chill probably isn’t doing my arthritis any good but one must try and find a balance so me doc says anyways.
I wonder if my aul pal Charlie will be there today, I always go the butchers on me way and get a bone for him, that’s some use for the basket. These days everything has to have a use or my daughter will throw it out. Its a test of my endurance and mettle that I haven't went for her and got myself thrown out long ago.
Oh yes, Mathilda, in my opinion she needs to come down here and let the wind blow her hair. Tight as the purse-string of a miser she is. I bet I’d move more in the bed than she does, even with my wrecked knees and hips. Ah, still I mustn't forget the three adorable grand-kids, the loves of me life, that she’s giving me, so she has a use after all.